名师点评学生BEC作文2
2010-06-25来源:和谐英语
作文解析：
BEC中级的大作文题型一般以写报告、书信为主，因此，这些必考问题的具体格式必须掌握。英文商务报告的格式有五个部分组成，其中包括报告的Subject, Introduction (This report aims/sets out to……)，Findings (it was found that)， Conclusions(It was decided/agreed/felt that……)， Recommendations (It is suggested that…..) 括号中是每段开头固定的表达方式，考生不宜自己去创造。同样写信也有格式化的表达方式，再此恕不展开。 和第一部分一样，大作文的写作审题是第一步，所有给出的已知条件必须用足。
本文中：
1.考生的习文字数恰当。但没有把报告应有的四个部分写完整，这将导致大量失分。 在以上的习文中，考生表现出了不错的语言驾驭能力。
2.在审题上还有一些欠缺，比如 Another reason for more staff is that we will have fewer delays. 在题目中给出的已知条件中，有一份客户的投诉信件，应当作为佐证被引用，否则order should be on time无从谈起。
3.除了没有按照报告的固定格式外，考生语言太随意。比如说，our sales department has announced a big new order，没有出处，而根据文章中给出的已知条件，这是公司Newsletter所通告的，那么根据报告的要求，应该指出信息来源。
4.中国学生还普遍特别敏感的就是企业的信誉，因此经常会看到学生动辄就是喊口号的语言，比如说文中We should save our company’s reputation. 这样空洞无物的话应该避免。
5.还有就是细节处理，句子和段落之间连接忽略了。比如说，It will bring us much more workload. And the annual holiday increased to 5 weeks per year. 以及最后一句话And the workflow will be improved.其中的and 这个词用在这里显随意了些，可以考虑用Meanwhile 有“祸不单行”的意思。后面的And 应该删除。That means that we have more workload 这里两个that离的太近，可以考虑把后面一个去掉，同时时态应该是we will have。
范文：
Report on: More staff in our department
Date: 27.03.2004
Introduction
This report aims to explain why our department needs more staff.
Findings
Statistics show that there exists a big gap between the number of staff in our department and staff workload. While the number of ordered units grew up from only 200000 to 400000 in 2 years, the number of staff grew only by 5 people. According to the Staff Newsletter dated February 2004, we have won a big new order from an international company. That will bring us more work. At the same time, annual holiday has been increased to 5 weeks per year, meaning there won’t be enough staff for all the work. Our customer service department recently received a complaint from one of our clients about a tremendous delay in our delivery.
Conclusion
There are many reasons which explain the need of more staff. It is especially important for reducing the number of delays in delivery and to optimize the workflow.
Recommendations
More staff does not only mean more costs, it also means improved customer satisfaction.
BEC中级的大作文题型一般以写报告、书信为主，因此，这些必考问题的具体格式必须掌握。英文商务报告的格式有五个部分组成，其中包括报告的Subject, Introduction (This report aims/sets out to……)，Findings (it was found that)， Conclusions(It was decided/agreed/felt that……)， Recommendations (It is suggested that…..) 括号中是每段开头固定的表达方式，考生不宜自己去创造。同样写信也有格式化的表达方式，再此恕不展开。 和第一部分一样，大作文的写作审题是第一步，所有给出的已知条件必须用足。
本文中：
1.考生的习文字数恰当。但没有把报告应有的四个部分写完整，这将导致大量失分。 在以上的习文中，考生表现出了不错的语言驾驭能力。
2.在审题上还有一些欠缺，比如 Another reason for more staff is that we will have fewer delays. 在题目中给出的已知条件中，有一份客户的投诉信件，应当作为佐证被引用，否则order should be on time无从谈起。
3.除了没有按照报告的固定格式外，考生语言太随意。比如说，our sales department has announced a big new order，没有出处，而根据文章中给出的已知条件，这是公司Newsletter所通告的，那么根据报告的要求，应该指出信息来源。
4.中国学生还普遍特别敏感的就是企业的信誉，因此经常会看到学生动辄就是喊口号的语言，比如说文中We should save our company’s reputation. 这样空洞无物的话应该避免。
5.还有就是细节处理，句子和段落之间连接忽略了。比如说，It will bring us much more workload. And the annual holiday increased to 5 weeks per year. 以及最后一句话And the workflow will be improved.其中的and 这个词用在这里显随意了些，可以考虑用Meanwhile 有“祸不单行”的意思。后面的And 应该删除。That means that we have more workload 这里两个that离的太近，可以考虑把后面一个去掉，同时时态应该是we will have。
范文：
Report on: More staff in our department
Date: 27.03.2004
Introduction
This report aims to explain why our department needs more staff.
Findings
Statistics show that there exists a big gap between the number of staff in our department and staff workload. While the number of ordered units grew up from only 200000 to 400000 in 2 years, the number of staff grew only by 5 people. According to the Staff Newsletter dated February 2004, we have won a big new order from an international company. That will bring us more work. At the same time, annual holiday has been increased to 5 weeks per year, meaning there won’t be enough staff for all the work. Our customer service department recently received a complaint from one of our clients about a tremendous delay in our delivery.
Conclusion
There are many reasons which explain the need of more staff. It is especially important for reducing the number of delays in delivery and to optimize the workflow.
Recommendations
More staff does not only mean more costs, it also means improved customer satisfaction.
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