你写我改：商务英语名师评点网友作文(4)
2008-09-16来源:
本期作文题目：
You are the office manager at an insurance company. You have arranged for contractors to upgrade your computer system. This means the system will be shut down for a full day.
Write a memo of 40-50 words:
informing staff of the shutdown
telling them when it will happen
asking them to prepare alternative work for the day.
老师提示：
商务写作中遵循的原则是：简洁，精确，礼貌。在考试中或者工作中，格式基本已经给出，所以只需要我们写正文即可。正文中我们写作要做到选词精当，一针见血，语法正确，不出低级错误的句子。备忘录属于半正式的文体写作，所以在句子选择上可以适当放宽，不必太正式。
网友作文一：
MEMORANDUM
from : Tom TO : all staff
date : 25/8
Because our computor system will be upgraded by the contractors on 28 AUGUEST, so the system will be shut down for a full day on that day[1], i ask for you prepare alternative work for the[2] day. and the work don't use computer system .
i think you can give a good performance to me to pass the accident. [3]
TOM
_________________________________________
1.Business writing 中尽量少使用because....so... 这样的结构，看起来不够专业，改为：As we plan to upgrade.....
2.有中式英文的痕迹：我要求你们。。。。改为：please prepare alternative work if you have to use the computer.
3.这不能算作accident, 既然已经计划好了。整句去掉。换成thank you.
网友作文二：
From: office manager
To: all staff
Subject: the company system
I would like to notify you that [1]the computer system of our company's will be shut down on this Tuesday for a whole day long [2]on account of the system needs a upgrade.[3]Therefore, please taking notice of this event in advance, in case of some potential inconveniences and troubles on Tuesday, yet prepare alternative work for that day. [4]
Thank you.[5]
_________________________________________
[1]去掉这个开头，直接用被动语态开头。
[2]去掉，多余了。
[3]如果你不能保证用长复句可以表达清楚，那么建议换成短句吧。拆成几个短句也许表达更贴切呢。
[4]这句话看起来非常不清楚，主语在哪里？please 的后面是吗？改成：please make sure that you have prepared alternative work.
[5]另换一行
You are the office manager at an insurance company. You have arranged for contractors to upgrade your computer system. This means the system will be shut down for a full day.
Write a memo of 40-50 words:
informing staff of the shutdown
telling them when it will happen
asking them to prepare alternative work for the day.
老师提示：
商务写作中遵循的原则是：简洁，精确，礼貌。在考试中或者工作中，格式基本已经给出，所以只需要我们写正文即可。正文中我们写作要做到选词精当，一针见血，语法正确，不出低级错误的句子。备忘录属于半正式的文体写作，所以在句子选择上可以适当放宽，不必太正式。
网友作文一：
MEMORANDUM
from : Tom TO : all staff
date : 25/8
Because our computor system will be upgraded by the contractors on 28 AUGUEST, so the system will be shut down for a full day on that day[1], i ask for you prepare alternative work for the[2] day. and the work don't use computer system .
i think you can give a good performance to me to pass the accident. [3]
TOM
_________________________________________
1.Business writing 中尽量少使用because....so... 这样的结构，看起来不够专业，改为：As we plan to upgrade.....
2.有中式英文的痕迹：我要求你们。。。。改为：please prepare alternative work if you have to use the computer.
3.这不能算作accident, 既然已经计划好了。整句去掉。换成thank you.
网友作文二：
From: office manager
To: all staff
Subject: the company system
I would like to notify you that [1]the computer system of our company's will be shut down on this Tuesday for a whole day long [2]on account of the system needs a upgrade.[3]Therefore, please taking notice of this event in advance, in case of some potential inconveniences and troubles on Tuesday, yet prepare alternative work for that day. [4]
Thank you.[5]
_________________________________________
[1]去掉这个开头，直接用被动语态开头。
[2]去掉，多余了。
[3]如果你不能保证用长复句可以表达清楚，那么建议换成短句吧。拆成几个短句也许表达更贴切呢。
[4]这句话看起来非常不清楚，主语在哪里？please 的后面是吗？改成：please make sure that you have prepared alternative work.
[5]另换一行
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