英语四级写作考前突击 Let’s give ourselves a break
2008-12-15来源:和谐英语
夏老师的点评
这篇作文写得比较好，内容丰富，说理清楚，作者词汇量比较大，表达也比较自如。不足的是文章组织不够缜密，有些地方连贯性不够理想。少数地方句子结构有错，用词不确切，词语搭配不当，说明文字的基本功还不够扎实。另外，如果作为考试，文章的篇幅过长。建议考试时不要超过200词，剩下一点时间用于加工修改，以取得更好的成绩。下面是几点具体的修改建议，供习作者参考。
1. 第一段第三句中的 entertainment plays a major role in our daily lives 建议改为entertainment plays an important role in our daily lives。Major 虽有“重要的(important)”的意思，但其基本意思是“主要的(main, principal)”，用在这里在意思上有一点过了。
2. 第一段第四句中的 …covering from online computer games to lovely picnics, aiming at meeting the needs of all different groups 应改为 …– from online computer games to lovely picnics – that meet the needs of different groups of people。这里covering 是多余的，另外，语法有错，因为cover是接物动词，后面应接直接宾语。aiming at meeting 改为that meet更为直截了当。还有，different groups意思不清楚，加上of people意思就明确了。
3. 第二段第二句It can help us relax, have fun, divert ourselves from stress, etc. 宜改为 It can help us relax, have fun, and relieve stress. 原句语法没有错，但改过后，读起来节奏感更强，去掉etc.也使文章更为简洁有力。
4. 第二段第三句 I believe there is no better a thing than just relaxing and enjoying your favorite amusement when you’re free or stressed. 建议改为 In fact, I believe there is no better way to get exercise and relieve stress than to take an active part in recreational activities。原句中的there is no better a thing语法有错，不定冠词“a” 应去掉。从内容上讲，改过后，更加确切。
5. 第二段倒数第三句 it may also waste us a lot of time, thereby being just the opposite of what we really want建议改为 it will numb our mind and destroy our creativity, which is exactly the opposite of what we really want。which使文章的意思更好理解。
6. 第二段最后一句中的watching TV also has its advantages and disadvantages. 应改为and watching TV is no exception，使句子更简洁。
7. 第三段第二句和第三句After all, a proper balance between work and rest is the best. But this doesn’t mean we can choose whatever we like.建议改为But this doesn’t mean we can take up whatever recreational activities are available. Instead, we should strike a balance between work and rest。原句语法上没有错，但是内容组织得不好，句子间的连贯性差。
8. 第三段最后一句I believe in this case only, entertainment can bring its functions into full play and we can also truly understand the essence of life建议改为I believe moderate recreational activities will benefit us in many ways and help us live a full meaningful life。原句语法上没有错，但是this case不知所指，entertainment can bring its functions into full play这个句子内在逻辑上也有问题。
这篇作文写得比较好，内容丰富，说理清楚，作者词汇量比较大，表达也比较自如。不足的是文章组织不够缜密，有些地方连贯性不够理想。少数地方句子结构有错，用词不确切，词语搭配不当，说明文字的基本功还不够扎实。另外，如果作为考试，文章的篇幅过长。建议考试时不要超过200词，剩下一点时间用于加工修改，以取得更好的成绩。下面是几点具体的修改建议，供习作者参考。
1. 第一段第三句中的 entertainment plays a major role in our daily lives 建议改为entertainment plays an important role in our daily lives。Major 虽有“重要的(important)”的意思，但其基本意思是“主要的(main, principal)”，用在这里在意思上有一点过了。
2. 第一段第四句中的 …covering from online computer games to lovely picnics, aiming at meeting the needs of all different groups 应改为 …– from online computer games to lovely picnics – that meet the needs of different groups of people。这里covering 是多余的，另外，语法有错，因为cover是接物动词，后面应接直接宾语。aiming at meeting 改为that meet更为直截了当。还有，different groups意思不清楚，加上of people意思就明确了。
3. 第二段第二句It can help us relax, have fun, divert ourselves from stress, etc. 宜改为 It can help us relax, have fun, and relieve stress. 原句语法没有错，但改过后，读起来节奏感更强，去掉etc.也使文章更为简洁有力。
4. 第二段第三句 I believe there is no better a thing than just relaxing and enjoying your favorite amusement when you’re free or stressed. 建议改为 In fact, I believe there is no better way to get exercise and relieve stress than to take an active part in recreational activities。原句中的there is no better a thing语法有错，不定冠词“a” 应去掉。从内容上讲，改过后，更加确切。
5. 第二段倒数第三句 it may also waste us a lot of time, thereby being just the opposite of what we really want建议改为 it will numb our mind and destroy our creativity, which is exactly the opposite of what we really want。which使文章的意思更好理解。
6. 第二段最后一句中的watching TV also has its advantages and disadvantages. 应改为and watching TV is no exception，使句子更简洁。
7. 第三段第二句和第三句After all, a proper balance between work and rest is the best. But this doesn’t mean we can choose whatever we like.建议改为But this doesn’t mean we can take up whatever recreational activities are available. Instead, we should strike a balance between work and rest。原句语法上没有错，但是内容组织得不好，句子间的连贯性差。
8. 第三段最后一句I believe in this case only, entertainment can bring its functions into full play and we can also truly understand the essence of life建议改为I believe moderate recreational activities will benefit us in many ways and help us live a full meaningful life。原句语法上没有错，但是this case不知所指，entertainment can bring its functions into full play这个句子内在逻辑上也有问题。
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