超越恐惧

我无法正常工作--远远不能。但儿子的治疗挨过了一个月又一个月，他可以出院在外待较长时间了。我和我丈夫仍然轮流去门诊所或是医院。幸运的是，我的家人和保姆也能减轻我的负担，所以儿子一直有人陪着。

There were still long stretches when I needed to drop everything to be with him. But to my surprise, I found that going to work when I could eased my sense of helplessness. I could be distracted: there were phone calls and deadlines and a rhythm to be swept into. I could be in control of something.

虽然是这样，可仍有很长一段时间我得抛开一切事情陪在他身边。但让我吃惊的是，我发现只有在工作的时候才能减轻我的无助感。我可以分散注意力，因为有那么多电话要处理，那么多紧急的和日常的工作要去做。我还能够管理某些事情。

I felt guilty at first about the solace I took from work.I often wondered what the other mothers thought of me──taking my work clothes to the hospital, showering in the parents' stall after a long night in which we'd heard the cries of all our children.

 

刚开始我觉得从工作中获得安慰有一种内疚感。我常常想到别的母亲会怎么看我--我把上班穿的衣服带到医院，熬了长长的一晚听够孩子们的哭闹后在家长单间里冲澡。

Eventually, I realized that getting away was good not only for me but for my son and daughter. When my son first became sick, the doctors told me I had to be strong for him. I could not show fear. Somehow I also had to convey confidence to my daughter, to help her endure what had befallen us.

最后，我意识到离开不仅对我而且对我儿子女儿都有好处。儿子刚开始生病的时候，医生就对我说，为了他我得坚强起来。我不能把恐惧显露出来。我还得设法把信心传递给女儿，帮她忍受降临在我们身上的事情。

Although I feared that working might be selfish,I could see that it actually seemed reassuring to my children,a sign that we could,for moments at least,return to our routines. Working was a pledge that life could go on.It was a statement of hope.

尽管我也担心我去工作可能自私了一些，但我知道实际上这消除了孩子们的疑虑，这标志着我们至少有时可以回到常规的生活中去。工作意味着生活能继续。工作也说明有希望。

Once again, as I had so often realized since I had become a mother, I understood how dangerous are the " shoulds" of motherhood, how destructive is society's insistence on one right way to be a good mother. Too many experts tell us that good mothers do not abandon their children to baby sitters. Good mothers prove their devotion by never leaving their children. Yet such rules ignore the truth that mothers are not all alike, that there are many ways to give children what they need and deserve. The rules tell mothers how to act without taking into account how mothers feel and how those feelings will affect their children.

我再一次认识到--自从做了母亲后我已多次意识到--做母亲的"该做些什么"这样的想法有多危险，而社会坚持如何做好母亲的惟一标准又有多大的毁灭性。有那么多专家告诉我们，好母亲不会把孩子留给保姆。好母亲的爱心就是从不把孩子独自留下。然而这些规则都忽略了这样一个事实：并不是所有的母亲都一样，而且满足孩子的需要和他们该得到的有方式很多。这些规则没有考虑到母亲的感觉，以及这种感觉会对孩子有何影响。

If I had followed the rules, I would have succumbed to terror and failed my children. In the end, this ordeal eased my guilt about leaving my son's side at times. I realized that I, like many others who care for sick people, needed somewhere else to go once in a while to draw breath and find meaning before returning to the work of nursing.For me, my job was that place.For others, it might be someplace else.

如果我也遵循了这些规则，我也许就向恐惧投降了，也会使我的孩子失望。这种严峻的考验最终减轻了我因为时不时离开儿子而产生的负疚感。我认识到，像其他照顾患者的人一样，我也需要不时地去其他地方歇一歇，找到生活的意义，然后再回去照料病人。对我而言，工作就是这样一个换换气的地方。对别人来说，可能是其他地方。

My son is recovering now, but I am still too close to his illness to understand fully what lessons I can learn, what meaning I can wrest, from this experience. All I can say is that working when my child was so sick might look wrong from the outside, but on the inside, it helped keep me sane. I grew less intimidated by the other mothers. I allowed myself to see that I was no less dedicated. We were all caring for our children, each in our own way.

我儿子现在正在恢复，但我仍很担心他的病情，以致于不完全知道从这次经历中我能吸取什么教训、得出什么结论。我能说的只是孩子生病我还工作，在外人看来这似乎是不对的。但实际上，这样做帮助我保持理智。我不再因为其他母亲的行动而感到恐惧不安。我自己也看到我跟其他母亲一样乐于献身。我们都很关心孩子，只是每个人都有自己的方式。