我与布里塔尼的故事

One day, Brittany bribed a classmate to ask me to the school dance. I wasn't allowed to go, and I told him so, but I was flattered. I felt elite and accepted by those around me. I told myself, though I am alone, I am desired and that is good enough for me. I blended in the most perfect way: well enough to fit in and not nerdy enough to stand out. Then Brittany told me during science class that she had put him up to it. She asked in front of everyone, "Why would anyone even want you?" And I believed her.

一天，布里塔尼贿赂了一位同学，让他邀请我参加学校的舞会。尽管我告诉他家里人不允许我去，但这件事却仍让我觉得受宠若惊。原来，自己也是优秀的，我觉得身边的人接纳了自己。我对自己说，虽然我总是孤零零的一个人，可还是有人喜欢我的，这就够了。我以最理想的方式融入了他们当中：既能与他们相处融洽，也没有出尽风头招人讨厌。后来在自然课上，布里塔尼告诉我，是她唆使那个人邀请我的。她当着全班同学的面反问我：“别人怎么会要你这样的？”我把她的这句话当真了。

I went home and cried, questioning whether I was an alien. I told myself over and over that she would amount to nothing while I still had time to grow. She would become a middle-aged trailer park renter in Northern California, with lots of kids with her same bucktoothed smile, while I would somehow turn into a high school social butterfly and move to New York City, Chicago, or Washington D.C., cosmopolitan and sophisticated. We would never be in the same league.

回到家后，我哭了一场，怀疑自己是不是一个异类。我一遍遍地告诉自己，她将一事无成，而我还有时间成长。她将人到中年，带着一大群孩子在加州北部租住活动屋；她的孩子们笑起来和她一样，龅牙外露。而我将成为高中的交际花，会迁居至纽约、芝加哥或华盛顿特区，成为一个见多识广而又成熟老练的人。我们永远也不会成为同一种人。

Secretly, I emulated her. Through everything that she did to me, I wanted to be 20 times better. Although she was seemingly perfect in everyone's eyes, I wanted to be everything she wasn't and yet a million times more perfect. Where she was loud and mocking, I wanted to be reserved and coy. She wore tight pants that exposed her chubby stomach, but I wanted to be thin and muscular. Brittany was intimidating and violent, but I wanted to be, and was then, serene and not at all confrontational. I wanted to be the polar opposite of her, showing how much better I was than her.

私底下，我暗暗与她较劲。就凭她对我做的这一切，我就要比她好一百倍。尽管她在每个人眼里似乎都完美无缺，我却要处处跟她唱反调，做一个与她完全相反的人，但却要比她更加完美。当她扯着嗓门冷嘲热讽时，我就要含蓄内敛矜持腼腆。她穿紧身裤露出她丰腴的腹部，而我则要变得修长健美。布里塔尼气势汹汹叫人害怕，而我却想文静安详不与人争吵冲撞(那时的我就是这样的)。我想和她完全相反，以此证明我比她要优秀得多。