夫妻之间越吵架越恩爱?

If you fought with your sweetheart last night, does that mean that your relationship is on the rocks?

Maybe. Maybe not.

Research shows it's how we fight -- where, when, what tone of voice and words we use, whether we hear each other out fairly -- that's critical. If we argue poorly, we may end up headed for divorce court. Yet if we argue well, experts say, we actually may improve our relationship.

Esther and Bill Bleuel learned to change the way they fight. A few years ago, they had a serious spat while driving down Interstate 5 in California. The topic was a sore one: His adult daughters from his first marriage. Ms. Bleuel felt her husband paid more attention to them than to her.

Suddenly, Ms. Bleuel, who was driving, saw red lights flashing behind her. Glancing quickly at her speedometer, she realized she was traveling 96 miles per hour in 65 mph zone. She pulled over, and a policeman approached the car. Before she had a chance to speak, though, her husband said: 'Officer, it is my fault. I was arguing with my wife and she got upset.'

Ms. Bleuel, a 64-year-old psychotherapist from Westlake Village, Calif., says that the policeman looked stunned, then replied: 'Oh boy, I know what it's like -- I'm married, too. But please, in the future, try to go easy on her.'

It's great advice for everyone, right? But how do we do it? How can we learn to keep our cool when we're upset? How long should we let a disagreement go on? Is there always a 'winner'?

'All couples disagree -- it's how they disagree that makes the difference,' says Howard Markman, professor of psychology at the University of Denver and co-director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies. For 30 years, Dr. Markman has conducted research that looks at how couples deal with conflict. A key finding: Couples who argue well are happier. Or, as Dr. Markman says, 'You can get angry, but it's important to talk without fighting.'

The latest findings from his research, published in June in the 'Journal of Family Psychology,' show that couples who reported they had negative communication before marriage -- criticizing each other's opinions, rolling their eyes, leaving the room -- were more likely to end up divorcing.

Although research shows that the biggest issues couples argue about are money, sex, work, kids and housework, we all know the possibilities for conflict are endless. I've been asking couples what they argue about and have heard about plenty of fights over home renovations, plus sports cars, mini-skirts, how to a pack and whether to buy mayonnaise or Miracle Whip. One man said he and his girlfriend argue over whether to argue.

Diana Miller, a 65-year-old financial advisor from San Diego, once fought with a former boyfriend over Trout Amandine. She had spent more than an hour preparing it one evening. Her boyfriend loved the dinner, she says, but he became upset when she tossed the leftover wrapper and fish skin in the trash.

'I couldn't believe how unhappy he became about a potential fish stench when I had just cooked this great meal,' she says. 'I felt underappreciated and furious.' Ms. Miller responded by stomping her foot and telling her boyfriend that she was going for a walk -- and they could discuss the issue when she returned.

It may be helpful to note that the experts make no distinction between arguing, fighting, bickering or even nagging (I was horrified to learn). They're all ways of expressing disagreement with another person that often become destructive, with one or both people using insults, clamming up or storming off.

Why do we do this? For starters, many of us learned by watching our parents have destructive arguments -- or bottle up their anger and give each other the silent treatment. We've also been raised to believe that success means winning -- and if one side wins, the other must lose.

Now, here's the good news: It's possible to learn to argue in a much healthier way. The first thing you have to do is talk to the other person. 'The longer a conflict stews, the more likely we are going to get into catastrophe mode,' says Jennifer Samp, associate professor in the speech communication department at the University of Georgia and a fellow at the Institute for Behavioral Research.

'We are mulling it and thinking about it and it will become bigger and scarier and more threatening than if we are able to talk about it if it just comes up,' she says.

Dr. Markman has developed a method, for helping couples settle disputes, called the 'speaker-listener technique,' which he details in a newly-revised edition of a book he wrote with several colleagues: 'Fighting for Your Marriage.'

He says that couples who have a disagreement should call a 'couple's meeting' to discuss the issue without looking for a solution -- and set a time limit of 15 minutes. They may flip a coin to see who speaks first.

The person who wins the toss, let's say it's the wife, should explain her position in two to three statements. Her husband should listen, then repeat what he heard, to show that he understood. The wife should then speak again, further explaining her position. And, again, the husband should listen and repeat her points.

They then reverse roles and repeat those same steps.

'A lot of times, all you need is to be listened to,' says Dr. Markman, who tells couples that by the end of this exercise, it's likely that an answer to their problem will be evident. If it is not, they may then have another meeting specifically to brainstorm solutions.

The Bleuels, of the speeding incident, fight differently today. (The officer never did give them a ticket.) Subsequently, Ms. Bleuel earned a master's degree in conflict resolution at Pepperdine. It was there, she says, that she learned how to argue, including how to set a time limit and other rules.

One recent weekend, she and her husband sat down at their kitchen table and politely discussed some home renovations, which they disagreed upon.

'The best thing was that at the end of it all, he was comfortable and so was I,' says Ms. Bleuel. 'It's a much easier way to live.'