揭穿:大家想做却不说的7件事

1. “What if I just got naked and started screaming at people?”
1、“如果我全身脱光并对人们大声尖叫，结果会如何？”

Although the details always change slightly, there is undeniably this incredibly weird little voice which lives inside each of us, coming out always in the most professional/formal/inappropriate moments, and longs only to see everything be ruined. Who hasn’t been sitting in a business meeting or particularly boring lecture and become overwhelmed with the desire to do something absolutely insane, such as light your neighbor’s beard on fire, or flash your genitals and wave them around a bit, or scream “penis” at the top of your lungs? There is just something almost… itchy about being in reserved, organized, quiet social situations which brings out the disgusting animal in each of us who wants chaos and loud noises and life-ruining behavior. I suppose we now have to work on channeling our inner Steve-O into a little voice which wants us to clean our shower, or file our taxes, or call our grandmother. At least put all that impulsiveness into positive behavior.
尽管在细节上会有轻微的不同，但是无可否认的是这种难以置信的怪异小心声却存在于我们每个人心里，通常在最为专业、最为正式或最不恰当的时刻浮现，无非是为了看到一切都被搞砸。谁没有在商务会谈或特别乏味的演讲时，被某种绝对疯狂的念头所征服，比如把邻居的胡子点着火，或者展示生殖器并四处甩动一会儿，或者用尽全力喊“鸡巴”？总有一种可以称为……冲动的东西，让我们在保守的、组织化的、平静的社会状态下放出置身于我们每人心中的野兽，我们希望混乱、噪声和生命毁灭的行为。我认为我们现在必须将内心的史蒂芬·格里斯特·格罗佛（一著名小丑演员，译注）调成另外的小心思，比如清洁浴池、清理税务、打电话给祖母之类。至少，将所有那些冲动转向积极的行为。

2. “I want to punch that baby.”
2、“我想揍那个小婴儿。”

When it’s just screaming endlessly, and no one’s doing anything about it, and you’re just trying to enjoy your meal, and you know that your rage would be much better directed to the spineless parent who is allowing this to carry on, but you just can’t even think about them with the screaming in your ear — sometimes you just want to punch the baby. It is ruining your day, and being such an asshole, and even if you spend 99 percent of your time being a Mary Poppins figure who hands out dandelions to round-cheeked toddlers and whistling showtunes, you are not immune to the baby-punching. Just one swift uppercut to the face and they’d be quiet for a while, and you could finish your meal in peace. We are all terrible.
如果他不停歇地尖叫人们却无动于衷，而你就等着享用饭菜，你也知道你的愤怒最好是向让这一切发生的懦弱父母发泄，但是，你却没有考虑过他们，而是在你的耳朵里面尖叫——有时你只想打这个小孩一拳。这将毁掉你的生活，并会如此糟糕，即使你花费99%的时间去扮演《欢乐满人间》的角色，向圆脸庞的婴儿撒出蒲公英，吹着金曲，你还是想着拳击小孩。只需要向脸上来上一记上勾拳，他们就会安静一会儿，你就可以平静地吃完饭。我们都挺坏的。

3. “Does this person make more money than me?”
3、“这个人比我挣钱多？”

How much are your coworkers making? How about your friends? Your frenemies? Your cousins? Where are they geting that nice new blazer, and those fancy throw pillows? What kind of money are they making? They should be paying for my drinks with all this money they’re throwing around. If you could just get, like, an estimate within a 5,000-dollar range, that would be perfect. Just enough to know that you shouldn’t be seething with jealousy.
你的同事挣多少钱？朋友呢？竞争性伙伴呢？堂兄弟姐妹呢？他们在哪里买到的新法兰绒衣服，还有那些奇妙的抱枕？他们挣的是什么钱？他们应当用他们甩出来的钱为我的饮料付帐。如果你能够挣，比如，估计5000美元之内（可能是说差距吧，译注），那非常理想。刚好使你不会充满忌妒。