教育好孩子,把握好分寸很重要

Exaggerated praise can do harm, according to a study of 313 children ages 8 to 13 published this month in the Journal of Experimental Psychology. Parents who noticed that their children felt bad about themselves tended to pump up the praise when working with them, saying things like, 'You're so smart,' or, 'You're such a good artist,' researchers found.
今年2月份发表于《实验心理学杂志》(Journal of Experimental Psychology)上的一份研究报告称，一项由荷兰乌特勒支大学(Utrecht University)的研究人员所主导、针对313名年龄在八岁到13岁的儿童所进行的研究表明，过分夸大的褒扬有可能造成伤害。研究人员发现，当父母们在与自己的孩子合作完成一项任务时，若发现孩子的自我感觉不佳，往往会说诸如“你真聪明”或是“你真是个了不起的艺术家”这样赞扬的话来给孩子打气。

But those children felt ashamed when they were defeated later in a simulated computer game; other children who received more realistic praise that focused on their effort or behavior didn't feel any shame, according to the study led by researchers at Utrecht University in the Netherlands. Well-meaning adults 'may foster in children with low self-esteem the very emotional vulnerability they are trying to prevent,' the study says. A better path is to praise children for the effort they invest, an element they can control, the study says.
但是，这项研究发现，当这些孩子之后在模拟的电脑游戏中被打败时，他们会感到羞耻；而其他那些得到的评价更为现实、且所得评价只集中于他们的努力或是表现的孩子，则不会感到任何羞耻。研究报告中写道，那些善意的成年人“或许恰恰在孩子心中种下了他们试图避免的那种脆弱情感──较低的自我认可”。研究报告称，较好的方式是对孩子所付出的努力──这一他们能够自己控制的因素──予以表扬。

Children who have a realistic understanding of how they are seen by others tend to be more resilient. In a 2010 study, 333 preteens played an online version of 'Survivor,' posting personal profiles and receiving peer ratings on their likability. All the kids who received low ratings experienced a drop in self-esteem, gauged via scores on a scale including such items as, 'I feel good about who I am right now.' But those who started the game with grandiose views of themselves and inflated feelings of superiority suffered the biggest declines in self-esteem, says the study in Child Development.
那些对于他人对自己持何看法有更现实认知的孩子，往往更能适应环境。在2010年的一项研究中，333名九至13岁的孩子在网上参与一个类似真人秀节目《幸存者》(Survivor)的游戏，孩子们在网上公布他们的个人简介，然后其他人会根据对这些孩子的喜爱程度给他们打分。所有得到较低评分的孩子，自信程度都有所下降，他们的自信程度是通过他们针对诸如“我对于现在的自我感觉良好”这样的问题打分来决定的。不过，这份发表于《儿童发展》的研究报告指出，那些在游戏开始前对自己有不切实际的过高评价、并有过高优越感的孩子，自信心下降得最为严重。

When researchers tried to lift the grades of struggling college students by raising their self-esteem, the students' grades got worse, according to a 2007 study of 86 students published in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology. Showering them with messages aimed at making them feel good about themselves may have instilled 'a cavalier, defensive attitude,' causing them to study less, the study says.
而根据2007年发表于《社会与临床心理学杂志》(Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology)的一份研究报告，针对86名大学学生进行的一项研究发现，当研究者试图通过提高自信来帮助这些学习有些吃力的学生提高成绩时，他们的成绩反而变得更差。研究报告写道，向他们灌输大量旨在让他们自我感觉良好的信息，这种做法或许给他们培养出了“一种傲慢的、自我防卫的态度，”使得他们用于学习的时间更少了。

Laural and Jim O'Dowd's 11-year-old son Cole is getting straight As in accelerated seventh-grade math classes, even though he's only in fifth grade. 'It's hard not to say, 'That's awesome,' ' and to congratulate him on his grades, says Ms. O'Dowd, an attorney who lives in Boulder, Colo. 'But if we praise him constantly, his self-esteem becomes centered on always being very smart and being the best and being perfect. And when you get out in the real world, you're not necessarily No. 1.'
劳雷尔??奥多德(Laural O'Dowd)和吉姆??奥多德(Jim O'Dowd)夫妇今年11岁的儿子科尔(Cole)在提前上的七年级数学课上，成绩总是A，而实际上科尔现在只是五年级的学生。他的母亲说：“这让我很难不去夸奖他‘这太棒了’”、或是祝贺他拿到了这么好的成绩。“不过如果我们总在夸奖他，他的自我认知会变得只关注于永远要做最聪明的、最好的、最完美的。而当你进入现实世界时，你不一定总要做第一名。”劳雷尔是一位律师，他们一家住在科罗拉多的博尔德(Boulder)。

Instead, she encourages behaviors he is able to sustain: 'It's awesome that you're working so hard on your homework.'
这位母亲换了个做法，她对于科尔能够坚持下来的行为予以了鼓励：“你的功课这么努力，这太棒了。”

The O'Dowds also invite their kids to see themselves as others might see them. Cole often has trouble waking up in the morning and tends to be cranky with his three siblings, says Mr. O'Dowd, an at-home father and former engineer. When he lingered in bed recently and snapped at his 9-year-old brother Luke for no good reason, Mr. O'Dowd asked him: 'So you want to be that person who nobody wants to talk to in the morning, because you can't be nice? Even if nobody says anything bad to you?' Mr. O'Dowd says. 'You could hear the tires screeching in his world. He stopped moving. He stopped breathing. He looked at me for a very long moment. Then he hung his head, said, 'OK,' and went about getting ready for school.'
奥多德夫妇还会提醒孩子们站在别人的角度，了解他人眼中的自己。早先任工程师、如今全职在家带孩子的吉姆说，科尔早上经常起不来，而且喜欢对他的三个兄弟姐妹发脾气。最近有一次，他又赖在床上不起来，还无缘无故地对他九岁的弟弟卢克(Luke)恶声恶气地说话，吉姆问科尔：“难道你愿意成为那种因为自己不会好好说话、所以早上没有人愿意搭理你的人吗？就算是没有人会冲你说什么坏话？”这位父亲说：“你可以听得到他的世界里传来急刹车的声音。他呆住了，连大气都不出。他看着我，过了很久，然后垂下头说‘好吧’，之后就去准备上学了。”

'I try to teach my kids how to be considerate of other people,' he says, 'not just because it's nice, but because it makes your life better if you understand those around you.'
他说：“我试图教会我的孩子如何去体贴他人。不只是因为这样做很友善，而是因为如果你能够更了解周围的人对你自己的看法，那么你的生活会变得越好。”