待到非吵不可时,孩子面前怎样吵架

Parents should use their kids' reaction during a fight as a guide, experts say. A crying child is an obvious sign to end an argument. But there are more subtle cues that a kid is distressed, Dr. Davies says. 'When they start freezing, they are stuck still for a few seconds, that is a really negative sign that they feel like they are in extreme danger, ' he says. Other kids tend to 'slump over, lethargic, and look like they are sort of depressed.'
专家说，父母在争吵期间应当以孩子的反应为指引。孩子哭泣，是明白无误地说明应该要停止争吵。但戴维斯博士说，有些更加细微的迹象也说明孩子情绪不好。他说：“当他们开始发愣，愣上几秒钟，那其实是一种负面征兆，说明他们觉得自己是处在一种极度的危险之中。”他说，另一些孩子往往是“没精打采地一屁股坐下，像是有些抑郁一样”。

Some kids misbehave to try to distract parents from the conflict. Other children attempt to insert themselves and try to mediate or take sides. All of these are signs that an argument needs to be put on hold, Dr. Davies says.
有些孩子通过胡作非为来转移父母注意力以结束冲突。有些孩子则是试图介入争吵，希望调解或站队。戴维斯博士说，这些都说明争吵应当暂停。

It is not OK to drag kids into a parental fight or encourage them to take sides, Dr. Cullen Sharma says. And don't be fooled if a teen appears nonchalant about his parents' below-the-belt fighting: 'They roll their eyes, but that does not make it less painful, ' says Alan E. Kazdin, director of the Yale Parenting Center and a professor of psychology and child psychiatry at Yale University.
卡伦·夏尔玛博士说，把孩子拖入父母的争吵当中或鼓励他们站队，都是不可以的。另外，在十几岁的孩子看上去对父母亲的过火争吵显得漠不关心的时候，不要被表象蒙蔽了。耶鲁大学(Yale University)心理学与儿童精神病学教授、耶鲁育儿研究中心(Yale Parenting Center)主任艾伦·卡兹丁(Alan E. Kazdin)说：“他们翻白眼，但这样做并不能减轻痛苦。”

Making sure kids see some kind of resolution to the argument is crucial, Dr. Kazdin says. 'Is there a nice makeup period and mundane chatter? Routine kind of banter will greatly alleviate the child's anxiety, ' he says. This doesn't mean that the conflict has to be solved. You may just decide to settle it later or agree to disagree. And even more critical, Dr. Kazdin says, is what goes on in the marital relationship during non-conflict times. 'The proportion of fighting to affectionate talk is the issue, ' he says.
卡兹丁博士说，确保让孩子看到争论得到了某种形式的解决，是至关重要的。他说：“有没有一个很好的和好时间段，有没有拉家常？有个固定的说笑和解程序将会大大减轻孩子的焦虑感。”这并不是说冲突一定要解决，你们完全可以决定以后解决或求同存异。卡兹丁博士说，更加重要的是非冲突时期的婚姻关系。他说：“关键在于争吵相对于温馨谈话的比例。”

Georgi and Rick Silverman have decided not to hide arguments -- often about the division of household labor or Mr. Silverman's weekend sports viewing -- from their kids, ages 9 and 3. But they also make sure the children see them make up. 'We'll hold hands and he'll hug me and we'll say we love each other, ' says Ms. Silverman, a stay-at-home mother in Houston. 'Even if I'm a little upset, I want the kids to know, 'I still love your Mom and I'm not going anywhere, ' ' says Mr. Silverman, the chief financial officer of a facilities-maintenance business, whose parents divorced when he was 13.
休斯敦的杰奥尔吉·西尔弗曼(Georgi Silverman)和里克·西尔弗曼(Rick Silverman)已经决定不对九岁、三岁的两个孩子隐瞒争吵（常常是关于谁做家务或里克周末看体育比赛的事情）。但他们也会确保孩子们看到他们和好。杰奥尔吉是一位全职母亲，里克是一家设备维修公司的首席财务长，13岁的时候父母就离婚了。杰奥尔吉说：“我们会手拉手，他会拥抱我，我们会说我们爱着对方。”里克说：“我即使有些不高兴，也要让孩子知道‘我仍然爱着你们的妈妈，哪里也不会去’。”

Bottling up anger and giving a spouse the cold shoulder when the kids are around can end up making things worse. The silent treatment is actually more distressing for kids than a healthy argument, Dr. Davies says. 'Kids pick up on that. But they don't know what is going on, ' he says, adding that children may think the fight -- and its potential consequences -- are much worse than they actually are.
在孩子面前压住怒火给配偶冷脸，可能会使情况变得更糟。戴维斯博士说，打冷战实际上比合理争吵更让孩子不安。他说，“孩子们会注意到，只是不知道是怎么回事。”他还说，这样的话，孩子们对争吵及其潜在后果的判断可能比实际情况严重得多。