恋爱婚姻家庭:婚姻咨询师不希望你知道的小秘密

Things Your Marriage Counselor Doesn’t Want You to Know
婚姻咨询师不希望你知道的小秘密

If you knew these things, you wouldn’t need a marriage counselor, would you? Those words comes from a few famous psychologists, psychotherapists and doctors of marrige and family counseling.
如果你了解了以下内容, 就用不着婚姻咨询师了。以下是来自几位在婚姻家庭咨询方面非常著名的心理学者、专家的话。

1) I love couples who fight in the waiting room. At least they still care about each other. If one or both of you seem indifferent, my job is a lot harder.
我喜欢看到在客厅吵架的夫妻。起码这表示他们还在乎对方。如果其中一方或双方都对对方漠不关心，情况就更加棘手了。

2) When you say your feelings “just aren’t there anymore,” I know you’re probably cheating.
如果你说，你已经对对方没有感觉了。我知道你很可能在说谎

3) Sometimes I’ll tell a couple “no sex until the next session. Don’t touch each other, period.” What I’m really hoping is that they’ll fail and feel a sense of unity from their mutual rebellion.
有时，我会告诉一对夫妻：“这个阶段就别同房，别碰对方了，就这样。”但其实我希望他们做不到，希望他们一起违背这个建议，拥有一种凝聚的感觉。

4) It may make you feel better to talk about your marriage issues with a good friend, but it will just make things worse. Never talk to outsiders about things in your marriage that you haven’t already talked about with your spouse.
你可能觉得跟密友讨论婚姻问题会舒服些。但是这只会使情况更糟。别跟局外人谈论你还没跟另一半谈论的事情。

5) Yes, you should go to bed angry. If you try to resolve everything before you hit the sack, you’ll both be sleep-deprived and cranky the next day. Instead, get a good night’s sleep and talk once you’re rested.
没错，你就该在生气的时候去睡觉。如果你想在睡觉前把所有问题都解决掉，第二天，你会因睡眠不足而变得脾气暴躁。所以，好好地睡一觉，醒来再讨论问题。

6) I’ve seen couples I thought didn’t stand a chance end up staying together. Often it’s because they’re both willing to try. But sometimes it’s just that they are too dysfunctional to leave each other.
通常有一种我认为婚姻不可能会长久的夫妻。通常是因为他们在“努力”去维持婚姻的长久。但是，他们生活得太不和谐了，最终还是分开了。

7) The big thing most women don’t understand: Men are not mind readers. If you don’t tell him how you feel, he’s not going to know. The big thing most men don’t understand: If you hardly acknowledge your wife all day, she’s not going to want to get intimate with you at night.
大多数女人都不明白的一个重要的事实：男人不会读心术。如果你不告诉他你心里在想什么，他是绝对不会知道的。大多数男人都不明白的是：如果你白天不搭理你妻子，就别想着晚上她来搭理你。

8) If I ask you how long you’ve had problems and your answer is “ten years,” you’re not going to change things in ten minutes or ten sessions.
如果我问你，你们之间的问题已经存在多久了？你的回答是“十年”。那么你就别想着在10分钟或是10次就把问题解决掉。

This insider info comes from psychologist Karen Sherman and from psychotherapist Wendy Allen, Ph.D., author of How to Survive the Crisis of an Affair.
这些内部资料是由《如何解决婚姻危机》这本书的两位作者——心理学家凯伦·谢尔曼博士和温蒂·艾伦博士——提供的。

Sixty-nine percent of all arguments between you and your partner will never be resolved. So don’t try so hard.
你和另一半的所有矛盾中，有69%是永远无法解决的，所以，就别白费力气了。

A couple that doesn’t fight is in trouble.
从不吵架的夫妻必定存在大问题。

Having a “good enough” marriage is the most couples can expect and is actually quite an accomplishment.
每对夫妇都希望能有一段“还不错”的婚姻，但这并不容易做到。

Letting go is sometimes better than discussing everything to death.
对于一些问题，放下有时比纠结更合适。

Respect, not sex or money, is the most important factor in a happy marriage.
幸福的婚姻重在尊重，而非性或是金钱。

There are marital breaches worse than an affair.
婚姻出现裂痕比婚外情更严重。