约会时如何优雅如厕

Ever wondered how to navigate the etiquette of going to the loo on a date or, even worse, in bed? This new book tackles the last taboo in dating.

When navigating the dating terrain, the potential minefields are endless. When do you make the first move? Is it too early to meet the parents?

But judging by the popularity of a new book, we're often preoccupied with explosive issues of a different kind. ‘How to Poo on a First Date’, has become an Amazon sensation, and is dedicated solely to issues of the heart and bowels.

The £5 dating bible, published by Prion, promises to solve all your toilet conundrums, from what to do if the urge arises at an awkward moment to how best to cover up any unromantic odours.

The authors, credited only as Mats and Enzo, spent five years researching this work of lavatory-related genius.

‘One of the secrets of seduction (and this goes as much for a first date as for the rest of the relationship) is to stay faultless at all times,’ the relationship scholars write in the book’s intro.

‘However, you are made of flesh and bone and this means that yes, sometimes you have to go to the loo.

'This vital human requirement remains strangely taboo in modern society, and it can ruin a blooming or well-established relationship in an instant.’

To illustrate the point the book kicks off with a cautionary tale. So confident in his relationship was Tom, a friend of the authors, that he started talking to his girlfriend with the toilet door open.

Needless to say, Tom’s ‘monumental error of judgement’ means he's now single.

‘We could no longer allow something as banal as going to the toilet to continue to destroy millions of perfectly good relationships,’ the authors explain, thus ‘How to Poo...’ was squeezed out between them.

The authors acknowledge that women are much more advanced in their toilet behaviour than men and have successfully perpetuated the myth that they never do number twos or let off wind.

With that in mind Mats and Enzo have been chivalrous enough to write the part of the toilet perpetrator as a male throughout the 144-page guide. But they do point out that the gender is interchangeable in all examples.

The book, which is the third in the ‘How to Poo...’ trilogy, (hot on the heels of ‘How to Poo at Work’ and ‘How to Poo on Holiday’,) covers what to do if you need the loo in scenarios including a cocktail party, in a Gondola or on an aeroplane.

But if you’re hoping their five years of research has unearthed some game-changing advice, don’t cross your, erm, legs.

The book's advice on how to nip to the loo without alerting your date that you have any unsavoury biological requirements, is convoluted to say the least.

If you have a pressing predicament while on an aeroplane for a romantic weekend away the advice reads as follows:

'Come closer to her [or him]. Slide one hand under the thigh and squeeze very strongly at the knee. The pain will make them scream and they will jump up in their seat.'

Still following? The idea is to then jump up with your date and spill as much of your meal as you can to give you the perfect alibi for needed a loo-stop.

At a cocktail party, the book suggests excusing oneself by using one of following: ‘I’ll just pop for a refill’,

‘I’m going to pick up some petits fours’ or ‘Excuse me, I must have a word with...'

If you find your date in awkward position when the urge to 'left off steam' arises, don't panic -- simply turn to page 113 in your manual.

And it’s at pains to point out that ensuring nobody sees you leaving the loo is as important as going incognito as you enter – a common mistake of the party poo-er.

The advice goes from the sublime to the ridiculous when covering empty bog-roll emergencies, by suggesting one rips off wallpaper from behind the radiator.

To overcome an unattractive odour? ‘Quickly find a bottle of perfume and spray yourself with it. Use generously. Find and embrace your date, holding them close to you. Let go only when the air is decontaminated.’

And what happens if at the critical moment ‘you feel the need to decorate the toilet in the worst possible way’? The authors suggest coming over all 50 Shades of Grey and ducking to the loo in the pretence of grabbing the paper for some fantasy loo-roll-play.

But in truth, the classic, 'I'm off to powder my nose,' would probably suffice.

So could this new dating bible be the next Amazon number one? Judging by the frenzied interest, potentially, yes. But we think...

it’s more like a number two.