急诊医生见过哪些辣眼睛的事？憋住别笑！

ER Doctors Rereal the Craziest Things They've Seen at Work
急诊医生见过的那些辣眼睛的事

Think you've had a stressful day at your job? Try helping a screaming patient with a foreign object stuck up his rectum, terrified that it will never be retrieved.
你管你今天的工作叫“有压力”？那你来试试对付这个尖叫的病人吧，而且他直肠里还卡了个奇怪的东西，再而且他还吓得要死以为这东西永远拿不出来了。

This is just a taste (gross) of what it's like being an emergency room doctor, the medical professionals whose job it is to stay calm and keep a straight face, even in the most dangerous or bizarre circumstances.
这只是简单呈现了一个急诊室医生平时的工作状态，医疗专业人员的工作就是即使遇到了危险和离奇的情况，也要保持冷静，而且得憋住不要笑出声。

To give you a better idea of just how bizarre those circumstances can be, ER doctors revealed the wildest situations they've encountered on the job. Spoiler alert: People love putting stuff up their own butts.
为了让你更好地了解这些情况到底有多么奇怪，几位急诊医生告诉了我们他们在工作中遇到的那些最狂放的事。剧透警告：人们喜欢把东西放在自己的屁股里。

1. Well, that's one use for a candle...
嗯，这也是蜡烛的一种用法…

"As an ER doctor, we see a lot all the time. There's not a single shift I work where I am not asking myself, 'How in the world did they do that?' This day was no different when a male patient walked in with his wife and said, 'It's stuck! It's stuck!' The nurse and I asked him, 'What's stuck, sir?' He replied, 'I put a candle in my butthole and can't get it out!' All sorts of things were running through our minds, and we were hoping the candle was a votive kind, not the ones still with glass containers.
“作为一个急诊科医生，每天活久见的事情太多了。工作时我没有一次轮班的时候不问自己，‘他们到底是怎么做到的？于是，当一个男病人在他妻子额陪同下走进来，还不停说“卡住了！卡住了！”的时候，我也会这么问自己。当时护士和我问他，“先生，什么卡住了？”他回答道，“我在屁眼里插了一根蜡烛，现在拿不出来了！” 听完这个回答，我们的大脑顿时混乱了，我们只希望那根蜡烛是根普通蜡烛，而不是那种还带着玻璃烛台的。”

"But we knew the first thing we had to do was take a look at his bottom and get an X-ray, because most X-rays will reveal foreign bodies. There was nothing I could see by just examining his buttocks. But sure enough, the X-ray showed that it was a round candle that was still in the glass container! It was one of those standard 3-4in round candles in containers that most convenience stores sell. The patient had stuck it far up and had no way to retrieve it! He felt stupid. He felt embarrassed. Ultimately, he had to go to surgery immediately so the surgeon could carefully dilate his rectum and get the candle out.
“但我们知道第一件要做的事是拍一张X光片来看看他的屁股，因为做X光通常能够查出里面奇怪的东西。光是检查他的菊花并不能看到什么，但能够确定的是，X光片显示出来是个圆形的蜡烛，而且真的有个玻璃烛台！这是标准的3-4英寸圆形蜡烛，放在容器里，大部分便利店都有售。病人已经塞了很大一截进去，而且完全没有办法取出它。他觉得自己很蠢，而且很尴尬。最后，他不得不立即去做手术，这样外科医生才得以小心地扩张他的直肠然后取出蜡烛。”

"It was painful for the patient. I had to ask him before discharge, 'Did you light the candle before sticking it up your butt or no?' He just laughed to try and console himself through the pain. Moral of the story: Don't put anything into your body out of your reach that you can't retrieve back easily." -- Anonymous board-certified ER physician
“这对病人来说很痛苦。我不得不在出院前问他，‘你在把蜡烛放进你屁股前有没有点燃过蜡烛？’他只是笑了笑，试图缓解自己的痛苦。这个故事告诉我们一个道理：不要把任何你取不出的东西放进你体内。”---来自一位委员会认证的匿名急诊科医生的叙述

2. Fishing for flesh
一钩一个准的鱼钩

"Thankfully, a patient had a sense of humor when things go wrong while fishing. His fish hook didn't grab any fish in Lake Michigan this day, but instead decided to grab a big piece of his scalp! He came into the ER with a big fish hook lodged in the right side of his head. As an ER doctor, the first thing I think of is how the scalp can bleed very easily and profusely and thankfully, the hook was controlling the bleeding where it was stuck.
“要庆幸的是，这个病人在钓鱼出现问题的时候还能保持幽默感。在钓鱼这天，他的鱼钩没有钓到密歇根湖的任何鱼，而是勾住了他的一大块头皮！他来急诊室的时候，一个大鱼钩勾在他的右边头皮上。作为一个急诊室医生，我想的第一件事是如何控制头皮的大出血，令人高兴的是，鱼钩正好控制住了出血点。”

"But once I removed it, I needed to prepare for the amount of blood that would be released. The difficulty with fish hooks is their rigged shape. They have a circular curve with a barb and gap, which causes them to do real damage on what should be fish (not humans). Fishers rip them off after they capture fish, but there was no way I could just rip it off his scalp.
“但我一旦移动了它，就需要准备和流出的血一样多的血量。鱼钩最麻烦的地方是他们的形状，他们有一个圆形曲线，有倒钩和间隙，这导致它们能对鱼造成很大的伤害（好吧，通常是鱼）。渔民在捕获鱼之后会直接把它们摘下来，但是我没有办法把它从头皮上直接拿下来。”

"Coaching the patient through the process so he could relax, I numbed the area and had to create a bit of a wide incision around the entry of the fish hook, and rotate and wiggle it out. Because I used a little epinephrine, I was able to minimize the amount of bleeding after removal. I then repaired the wound with sutures. When there is a foreign body stuck anywhere on your body, it's important to leave it stuck until you seek medical attention. Removing it without assistance could cause further damage." -- Anonymous board-certified ER physician
“我在手术过程中指导病人放松放松，并且麻醉了受伤的区域，然后鱼钩的嵌入口周围切开一个宽宽的切口，通过旋转和摆动把它取了出来。因为我使用了一点肾上腺素，所以才能够在取出鱼钩后，最大限度地减少出血量，然后用缝线修复伤口。当有任何异物卡在身上时，记住一定要在寻求医疗帮助前保持它的原状态。在没有医生的帮助下随意拿下它会导致严重的后果。” --- 来自一位委员会认证的匿名急诊科医生的叙述

3. Never trust a plastic surgeon from a hardware store
不要相信来自五金店的整形医生

"In 2009, there was a patient presented to the emergency room in Rhode Island. She had had some form of 'HydroGel' (she called it that) injected in large volume, approximately 2 liters (which is a very large quantity), one into each buttock. I believe by 'HydroGel,' she meant some sort of silicone-based product like silicone bathroom caulk. The patient said that she was injected by someone in Miami who claimed to be a nurse, and who performed the procedure in their home.
“2009年，有一个病人被送到罗得岛的急诊室，她往她的臀部注射了大量的 “水凝胶”（她是这么称呼它的），而且将近有2升（这是一个非常大的量）。我相信“水凝胶”在她想表达的意思中是某种硅酮基产品，如硅胶浴室填缝剂。该病人说，一个在迈阿密声称自己是一名护士的人给她注射的，并在他们的家里完成了这一注射过程。”
"When she came to the ER, she had a high fever and was draining pus on both buttocks, which were red. We took her to the operating room, and because the external substance was so integrated into the tissue within and around the fat cells, we had to make multiple large incisions on both buttocks' fat. Afterwards, her buttocks looked like she had been attacked by a bear. The only way to get rid of the infection was to fully remove the external substance.
“当她来到急诊室时，她发着高烧，两瓣屁股都发红了，而且还在流脓。我们带她到手术室，然后因为这些外来物质已经和她的组织还有脂肪细胞结合得很紧密了，我们不得不在两瓣屁股的肥肉上都切了很多大口子。之后，她的臀部看起来像被熊袭击过一样。让她摆脱感染的唯一方式只有完全清除这些外来物质。”

"She was on IV antibiotics for nearly a week with daily dressing changes in the hospital before leaving against medical advice and disappearing. She ultimately went on Tyra Banks' talk show."
“之后，她接受了近一个星期的IV抗生素治疗。每天在医院换药，直到可以离开药物治疗并且感染症状消失。后来她去参加了泰拉银行的脱口秀。”

4. The not-so-great escape
一次不怎么成功的逃脱

"A daring young man who was high on meth decided to plan his great escape from the ER. He was able to climb into the drop ceiling, and was making his way out of the room... until he fell through the ceiling. He landed on the floor at the foot of the stretcher and ended up breaking his arm."
“有一个嗑药嗑high了的勇敢年轻人，他计划从急诊室逃跑。他成功地爬进了天花板的吊顶，然后开始逃离这个房间...直到他从天花板上摔了下来。他摔落在地板上，倒在担架的抬手上，最后摔坏了他的胳膊。”

5. That's not how plungers work
活塞不是这么用的

"A young man was experiencing constipation and decided he needed a plunger. He grabbed for the toilet bowl brush and used the handle to insert into his rectum. The plastic hand had a curved hook on it, which got snagged on his anus. He was unable to remove it without horrific pain. EMS was called, and he was transported to the ER. With the help of his new wife comforting him on one side of the stretcher and moderate sedation, the doctor worked from the other end to dis-impact the toilet brush from his rectum."
“有一个年轻人便秘了，他觉得自己需要一个活塞。于是他抓起了马桶疏通器（就是头上有个大塑胶吸盘的那东西），然后把手柄插入了菊花。但塑料手柄上有一个弯曲的钩状物，结果它卡在了肛门里。但他没有办法在不造成剧烈疼痛的前提下把它拔出来。于是他打电话叫了120，然后被紧急送往了急诊室。他的妻子在担架一旁不断安慰他，同时我们也给他注射了适量的镇定剂，因此医生才得以从另一端将疏通器从他的直肠里取出来。”

6. One vodka rectum, please
请给我来一个能装下伏特加酒瓶的直肠

"I had a patient once who had a 1-liter bottle of vodka inserted into his rectum while he was under the influence. We had to put him on laxatives and use a type of enema to try to lubricate the area and avoid pain. He was in so much pain when he arrived, he was unable to walk. We thought surgery might be required, but he was able to pass the bottle through on his own." -- Aditi G Jha, MD, head of the doctor's panel at JustDoc
“我有一个病人曾经在喝醉的时候把一个1升的伏特加酒瓶插入了菊花。我们不得不让他吃泻药，并用一种灌肠剂来润滑那一块以减轻疼痛。当他到达医院时，已经疼痛到走不了路了。我们当时以为他需要做手术，但他最终却自己使这个瓶子出来了。”