多么痛的领悟：自己做饭和四六级裸考一样危险

做饭好心累，不如点外卖。下面这些“不会做饭星人”的心声，说的就是你本人。

For some people, the prospect of placing a raw protein or vegetable in a pan over an open flame for an extended period of time is so daunting that it literally makes them flop sweat. These people subsist on cereal and frozen dinners, they know their local food delivery workers by name, and they may or may not use their oven for shoe storage.

有些人就是单单把蛋白质原料或者蔬菜放到平底锅上，开火烹饪一会儿就能吓得他们汗流浃背。这种人啊，一般就靠谷物麦片和速冻晚餐过活，他们认识当地的外卖小哥，知道人家的名字，他们甚至还可能把烤箱用来存放鞋子。

 Here are some jokes for all the folks out there who would rather eat sandwiches into infinity than attempt to boil, bake, roast or braise a single food item. Because, in the paraphrased words of Maria Bamford, “People always talk about how easy cooking is … but it is not as easy as not cooking.”

下面描述的这些囧样儿讲的就是那些宁愿吃三明治吃到地老天荒也不愿意煮东西、烘焙食物、烤或者炖任何一种食材的人。因为，Maria Bamford就说过：“人们总说做菜很简单……但是总归没有不做菜简单。”

✰ You know that your future partner needs to be able to cook or else your children will starve.

你清楚地知道你未来的伴侣得会烧菜，不然你俩的小孩就得饿“死”。

✰ Grocery shopping is a continuous cycle of picking something up, wondering if you can cook it, putting it back down, and then leaving with only frozen dumplings.

出门买菜就是个不变的循环，拿起某样食材——思考一下自己会不会做——放回去——走的时候拿着速冻饺子。

✰ You have a soft spot in your heart for fast-food places. You know they're not healthy, and you should probably avoid them. But when it's late at night, you have no food in your fridge and you are getting hangry, it's a better option than attempting to cook something and failing miserably. Fast food is there for you when your cooking skills aren't.

你在心里为快餐留了一处柔软之地。你知道吃快餐不健康，应该尽量别吃。但是，大半夜冰箱里没吃的，你碰巧又“饿怒症”的时候，比起试着烧个什么菜最后做崩，吃快餐还是好得多。毕竟当你的厨艺不在线的时候，快餐在。

✰ Owning cookbooks but not using them.

买了一堆食谱菜谱，但从来不用。

✰ Accidentally lighting something on fire.

不小心把什么东西给点着了。

✰ People who can cook tell you that it's soooo easy and judge you hardcore for not being able to do it.

做饭好吃的人老是跟你说做菜多么多么简单，然后说你不会做咋地咋地。

✰ Billion dollar idea：A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I'm just cooking!

致富点子：当你咆哮“我在做饭！”之后就不响了的烟雾报警器。

✰ Don't call the firefighter, I'm cooking.

别报警，我只是在煮意面。

 Notes

protein: n 蛋白质

daunting: adj 令人胆怯的

cereal: n 谷物

subsist: v （尤指靠有限的食物或钱）维持生活；度日

braise: v 炖

hangry: adj 饿怒的 (hungry + angry)

recipe: n 食谱