真相与圣诞节

I believe in making my father proud;

I believe in my father's verge;

I believe in the blessing your work;

Over the years as I grown to the title of dad, I began to learn something about myself;

I'm a better father more empathetic and have different priorities;

I now believe that becoming a parent is a gift you make to the universe and that the universe makes to you.

This I Believe: The ideal father is both strong and gentle, resolute and forgiving, all-knowing and quick to admit when he's wrong. The ideal father might not exist, but that doesn't stop us fathers from trying as This I Believe essayist Corey Harbaugh found out, you never know when your kid might walk up and ask one of the most difficult questions in life.

I believe our lives are condense into moments like this one. My son Tucker approached me at the grill where I was focused on fire and dinner, unaware that the eight-year-mind was struggling for the right words to fit around a question. Finally he spoke, “Dad, if I asked you if it was you who brought presents at Christmas instead of Santa, would you tell me?”

I heard questions within questions: Is there a Santa Clause? What is Christmas if there isn't and most important, can I trust you to tell me the truth dad? At the heart of each questions I heard my son asking, if he could still believe what he had believed all his life. I couldn't answer him just then,  because his six-year-old sister and five-year-old soon-to-be stepbrother were playing nearby in the yard, and also because I couldn't turn from the grill to look fully into his eyes like I wanted to for as long as it took both of us to understand.

How we answers these questions matters and though we spend hours and days and weeks and years trying to figure out the answers. We only get to live them out in small moments. This was one of those moments for both of us. All of my life, I've tried to put my words around the questions about what I believe and have found that the answers to make biggest questions have no words. They have moments, like noticing the nun who wept while she prayed in St. Peter's Basilica, an island of quiet faith surrounded a sea of noisy tourists. Like the upwelling of the pride and fear when my daughter took to her bike for the first time, her legs pumping her steady and steadily away from me. Like burying my grandfather on the same day my son was born. Like sitting around a coffee table with my children and her mother two year prior, watching their faces come short of comprehending the word “divorce”.

That night after dinner, I took Tuck for a bike ride and we sat on the grassy hill, drinking a soda watching the orange sun sink behind the line of trees. I brought up his question from the grill, “Tuck, earlier you asked me about Santa”, he stopped me, “Don't answer me dad, I think I know the answer and right now I just want something to believe in.” I turned to my son and was able to finally look into his big eyes. “Tucker, your question was if you ask me about Santa, would I tell you. And my answer is yes. If you asked, I would tell you.” He considered some moment, smiled and before he drank the last swallow of soda pop he told me easily, then I am not going to ask. That was good enough for both of us. For now, there will be other questions like this to come, no doubt. They too will have their moments.

Corey Harbaugh is a high school English teacher in Michigan. His essay was produced by Dan Headman and John Gregory for This I Believe Inc. and it appears in the new book This I Believe on Fatherhood. Next week, the Siren Song of Small Town Life. If you'd like to write an essay about the core belief that guide your life and submit it to our series, go to the website This I Believe.org.