克瑞斯阿巴尼:人性的冥思

My search is always to find ways to chronicle, to share and to document stories about people, just everyday people. Stories that offer transformation, that lean into transcendence, but that are never sentimental, that never look away from the darkest things about us. Because I really believe that we're never more beautiful than when we're most ugly. Because that's really the moment we really know what we're made of. As Chris said, I grew up in Nigeria with a whole generation -- in the '80s -- of students who were protesting a military dictatorship which has finally ended. So it wasn't just me, there was a whole generation of us.

无论我干什么，我总是想办法记下来。 我愿意分享和记录人们的故事，就是普普通通老百姓的故事。 这些故事给人们带来改变，这种改变又引导人们走向卓越， 但是从来都不伤感。 我也从来不会忘记我们生命中最黑暗的时光。 因为我相信我们人生中的黑暗 永远比人生中的光明更加动人。 因为在黑暗中我们才真正知道我们的内心世界。 就像克里斯说的那样，我生长在尼日利亚， 我出生在上世纪 80年代， 我们这一代人，学生反对如今已经结束的军事独裁。 不仅仅是我，我们这一代人都是如此。

But what I've come to learn is that the world is never saved in grand messianic gestures, but in the simple accumulation of gentle, soft, almost invisible acts of compassion, everyday acts of compassion. In South Africa they have a phrase called ubuntu. Ubuntu comes out of a philosophy that says, the only way for me to be human is for you to reflect my humanity back at me. But if you're like me, my humanity is more like a window. I don't really see it, I don't pay attention to it until there's a, you know, like a bug that's dead on the window. Then suddenly I see it, and usually, it's never good. It's usually when I'm cussing in traffic at someone who is trying to drive their car and drink coffee and send emails and make notes. So what ubuntu really says is that there is no way for us to be human without other people. It's really very simple, but really very complicated.

但是我从中学到的 是世界从来不会因为摆出了一副救世主的姿态得救， 而是因为点点滴滴温和柔软，甚至看不到的出于同情的行动的积累， 每天出于同情的行动。 南非语有一个词叫乌班图， 乌班图来源于哲学， 对于我来说它的意思就是我之所以成为人，唯一的解释是 你们将我人性的光辉重新折射在我的身上。 但是如果你们像我一样，我的人性更像一扇窗。 我并没有看到人性，我也没有注意到， 直到……打个比方吧……有一只虫的尸体粘在窗子上面。 忽然间我就看到了窗子，这种感觉并不好。 通常堵车的时候，我就会咒骂 骂那些想法设法开车，喝咖啡， 发邮件和记笔记的人。 实际上乌班图的意思是 没有别人，我们也就没法成为人。 这很简单，但是事实上非常复杂。

So, I thought I should start with some stories. I should tell you some stories about remarkable people, so I thought I'd start with my mother. (Laughter) And she was dark, too. My mother was English. My parents met in Oxford in the '50s, and my mother moved to Nigeria and lived there. She was five foot two, very feisty and very English. This is how English my mother is -- or was, she just passed. She came out to California to Los Angeles to visit me, and we went to Malibu, which she thought was very disappointing. (Laughter) And then we went to a fish restaurant, and we had Chad the surfer dude serving us, and he came up and my mother said, "Do you have any specials, young man?" And Chad says, "Sure, like, we have this like, salmon, that's like rolled in this like, wasabi like, crust. It's totally rad." And my mother turned to me and said, "What language is he speaking?" (Laughter) I said, "English, Mum." And she shook her head and said, "Oh, these Americans, we gave them a language. Why don't they use it?" (Laughter)

我想我应该用故事开头。 我想给大家讲讲一些伟人的故事。 那么我就说说我的妈妈吧。 （笑） 她也是黑人。 我的妈妈是个英国人。 我的父母50 年代在牛津相遇， 然后我妈搬到了尼日利亚，并且在那儿定居。 她只有5.2 英尺高（约158厘米），她精力很旺盛而且英国味十足。 给大家讲一个故事你们就知道了——但她最近才过世。 她来到加州来到洛杉矶来看我， 我们去马里布，她认为这家餐馆很令人失望。 （笑） 然后我们又去一家海鲜餐厅， 一个叫查德的服务生，也是一个冲浪好手来给我们点菜， 他走过来，我妈妈问到， “小伙子，你们有什么特色菜吗？” 服务生说， “当然了，我们有大马哈鱼，” 卷起来吃，山葵还有面包。 这简直酷毙了。” 我妈转过来对我说， “他说的是什么话？” （笑） 我说，“妈，是英语。” 她摇摇头说， “天哪，这些美国人，我们把英语都给他们了。 他们为什么不用呢？” （笑）

So, this woman, who converted from the Church of England to Catholicism when she married my father -- and there's no one more rabid than a Catholic convert -- decided to teach in the rural areas in Nigeria, particularly among Igbo women, the Billings ovulation method, which was the only approved birth control by the Catholic Church. But her Igbo wasn't too good. So she took me along to translate. I was seven. (Laughter) So, here are these women who never discuss their period with their husbands, and here I am telling them, "Well, how often do you get your period?" (Laughter) And, do you notice any discharges? (Laughter) And, how swollen is your vulva? (Laughter) She never would have thought of herself as a feminist, my mother, but she always used to say, "Anything a man can do, I can fix." (Applause) And when my father complained about this situation, where she's taking a seven-year-old boy to teach this birth control, you know, he used to say, "Oh, you're turning him into, you're teaching him how to be a woman." My mother said, "Someone has to." (Laughter)

哎，我妈原本信仰英国国教， 但她嫁给了我爸以后，她就改信仰天主教了—— 没有任何人会比一个天主教的皈依者更急进的了—— 她决定在尼日利亚的农村地区普及知识， 特别是在伊博女人中间， 普及的知识是比林斯排卵法。 天主教只允许用这种方法来控制生育。 她的伊博语不好。 所以她拉上我帮她翻译。 那时我才7 岁。 （笑） 这些女人 从来不和他们的丈夫讨论月经， 所以只有我去问他们，“额，你月经多久来一次？” （笑） 你看到什么液体了吗？ （笑） 你的阴户有多肿？ （笑） 她从来不把自己当成一个女权主义者， 但是她总是说， “男人能做的任何事，我都能搞定。” （鼓掌） 我爸对此发过牢骚， 她居然带一个 7岁大的男孩 去普及节育知识， 他总是说， “我的天，你在把他变成” 不对，你在教他如何做一个女人。” 我妈说，“总有人要牺牲。” （笑）

This woman -- during the Biafran war, we were caught in the war. It was my mother with five little children. It takes her one year, through refugee camp after refugee camp, to make her way to an airstrip where we can fly out of the country. At every single refugee camp, she has to face off soldiers who want to take my elder brother Mark, who was nine, and make him a boy soldier. Can you imagine this five foot two woman, standing up to men with guns who want to kill us? All through that one year, my mother never cried one time, not once. But when we were in Lisbon, in the airport, about to fly to England, this woman saw my mother wearing this dress, which had been washed so many times it was basically see through, with five really hungry-looking kids, came over and asked her what had happened. And she told this woman. And so this woman emptied out her suitcase and gave all of her clothes to my mother, and to us, and the toys of her kids, who didn't like that very much, but -- (Laughter) That was the only time she cried. And I remember years later, I was writing about my mother, and I asked her, "Why did you cry then?" And she said, "You know, you can steel your heart against any kind of trouble, any kind of horror. But the simple act of kindness from a complete stranger will unstitch you."

在比亚法拉战争中，我妈 和她的子女都被捕。 我妈妈当时带着五个孩子。 一年当中，她从一个难民营到另一个难民营， 最后终于到了机场，我们最终逃离了这个国家。 在每一个难民营，她都不得不和士兵周旋， 这些士兵想把我的哥哥马克带走，他当时才9岁， 让他去当童子兵。 你能想象这个 5.2英尺的女人 是如何对抗那些拿着枪想置我们于死地的士兵的吗？ 那一年， 我妈从没哭过，一次也没有。 我们后来到了里斯本的机场， 准备飞到英国， 一个女人看到我妈妈穿着一条 洗得发白发透的裙子， 还拖着5个面黄肌瘦的孩子时， 她走过来问我妈发生了什么。 我妈把这一切都告诉了她。 这个女人紧接着就掏空了她的旅行箱 把她所有的衣服给了我的妈妈 然后又给我们她孩子不喜欢的玩具，但是——½ （笑） 那是她第一次哭。 我记得几年后，我写到我妈的时候， 我问她，“当时你为什么哭？” 她说，“在面对任何困难和恐惧时，你可以 把你的心铸成铁。 但是陌生人任何一点善举却能让你瞬间融化。”

The old women in my father's village, after this war had happened, memorized the names of every dead person, and they would sing these dirges, made up of these names. Dirges so melancholic that they would scorch you. And they would sing them only when they planted the rice, as though they were seeding the hearts of the dead into the rice. But when it came for harvest time, they would sing these joyful songs, that were made up of the names of every child who had been born that year. And then the next planting season, when they sang the dirge, they would remove as many names of the dead, that equaled as many people that were born. And in this way, these women enacted a lot of transformation, beautiful transformation.

战争开始后，我爸爸村子里年老的女人 记住了每个逝者的名字， 她们唱挽歌，挽歌是由这些名字组成的。 挽歌非常忧沉，会将你灼伤。 她们只有在播种粮食的时候才唱， 就好像她们将逝者的心 植入了粮食。 但是等到收获的时节， 她们又会唱一些愉快的歌， 歌词是由当年出生的 每个孩子的名字组成的。 到了下一次播种的时候，她们也会唱挽歌， 当然她们去掉了很多逝者的名字， 去掉名字的数量等于新生儿出生的数量。 通过这种方式，这些女人转变了许多， 这是一种美丽的转变。

Did you know, that before the genocide in Rwanda the word for rape and the word for marriage was the same one? But today women are rebuilding Rwanda. Did you also know that after apartheid, when the new government went into the parliament houses, there were no female toilets in the building? Which would seem to suggest that apartheid was entirely the business of men. All of this to say that despite the horror, and despite the death, women are never really counted. Their humanity never seems to matter very much to us.

大家知道吗，在卢旺达种族灭绝发生以前，他们的语言里 强奸和婚姻 是同一个单词？ 但是今天妇女在重振卢旺达。 大家知道吗，在种族隔离以后， 新政府进入国会大楼以后， 发现大楼里没有女厕所。 这似乎也暗示了种族隔离 完全是男人弄出的事。 这些都说明了，除了恐怖，除了死亡， 妇女都被排斥开。 她们的人性似乎对我们来说从未有太大的影响。

When I was growing up in Nigeria -- and I shouldn't say Nigeria, because that's too general, but in Urhobo, the Igbo part of the country where I'm from, there were always rites of passage for young men. Men were taught to be men in the ways in which we are not women, that's essentially what it is. And a lot of rituals involved killing, killing little animals, progressing along, so when I turned 13 -- and, I mean, it made sense, it was an agrarian community, somebody had to kill the animals, there was no Whole Foods you could go and get kangaroo steak at -- so when I turned 13, it was my turn now to kill a goat. And I was this weird, sensitive kid, who couldn't really do it, but I had to do it. And I was supposed to do this alone. But a friend of mine, called Emmanuel, who was significantly older than me, who'd been a boy soldier during the Biafran war, decided to come with me. Which sort of made me feel good, because he'd seen a lot of things. Now, when I was growing up, he used to tell me stories about how he used to bayonet people, and their intestines would fall out, but they would keep running. So this guy comes with me, and I don't know if you've ever heard a goat, or seen one -- they sound like human beings, that's why we call tragedies "a song of a goat." My friend Brad Kessler says that we didn't become human until we started keeping goats. Anyway, a goat's eyes are like a child's eyes. So when I tried to kill this goat and I couldn't, Emmanuel bent down, he puts his hand over the mouth of the goat, covers its eyes, so I don't have to look into them, while I kill the goat. It didn't seem like a lot, for this guy who'd seen so much, and who -- to whom the killing of a goat must have seemed such a quotidian experience, still found it in himself to try to protect me. I was a wimp. I cried for a very long time. And afterwards, he didn't say a word, he just sat there watching me cry for an hour. And then afterwards he said to me, it will always be difficult, but if you cry like this every time, you will die of heartbreak. Just know, that it is enough sometimes to know that it is difficult. Of course, talking about goats makes me think of sheep, and not in good ways. (Laughter)

我在尼日利亚的时候—— 我不应该说尼日利亚的，因为这个概念太宽泛， 应该是乌尔霍伯，是伊博的一个村庄，我来自那里。 每个小伙子成人时都要举行成人典礼。 教导男人成为男人的方法是要我们知道我们不是女人， 这是问题的关键。 很多仪式和杀有关，就是杀死小动物， 贯穿整个仪式，我满13岁的时候—— 恩……这是一个农业社会， 必须有人来捕杀动物， 那里没有全食市场你可以去烤袋鼠—— 我满13岁的时候，该我来杀一只山羊。 我当时是一个非常古怪、敏感的孩子，根本无法做到， 但是我不得不做到。 而且我还必须一个人完成。 但是我的一个朋友叫伊曼纽尔， 比我大得不多， 他在比亚法拉战争中当过童子兵。 他决定和我去。 这让我松了一口气， 因为他见多识广。 他原来总是告诉我 他怎么去刺别人， 那些人的肠子掉出来了都还在跑。 他当时就陪着我。 我不知道你们有人听过羊叫或者是看到过羊没有—— 他们叫起来就像人一样， 这也就是为什么我们把灾难叫做“羊之歌”。 我的朋友布拉德．凯斯勒说直到我们开始养羊 我们才成为人。 不管怎么说，一只羊的眼睛就像一个孩子的眼睛。 我尽力去杀这只羊，但是我做不到， 伊曼纽尔弯下身，他把手放到羊的嘴上， 蒙上它的眼睛，所以我不用看它们。 这些都是在我杀这只羊的时候他做的。 对于这样一个见多识广的人来说，这是小菜一碟， 杀一只羊简直 是家常便饭， 但是我发现他内心上想保护我。 我是个窝囊废。 我哭了很久。 我哭的时候他没说一句话， 他只是坐在那里看我哭了一个小时。 哭完了他对我说， 这确实很难，但是如果你每次都像这样哭的话， 你会因心碎而死。 有时候知道难 就够了。 当然了，说到山羊让我想到了绵羊， 是不好的联想。 （笑）

So, I was born two days after Christmas. So growing up, you know, I had a cake and everything, but I never got any presents, because -- born two days after Christmas. So, I was about nine, and my uncle had just come back from Germany, and we had the Catholic priest over, my mother was entertaining him with tea, and my uncle suddenly says, "Where are Chris' presents?" And my mother said, "Don't talk about that in front of guests." But he was desperate to show that he'd just come back, so he summoned me up, and he said, "Go into the bedroom, my bedroom. Take anything you want out of the suitcase. It's your birthday present." I'm sure he thought I'd take a book or a shirt, but I found an inflatable sheep. (Laughter) So I blew it up and ran into the living room, my finger where it shouldn't have been, I was waving this buzzing sheep around, and my mother looked like she was going to die of shock. (Laughter) And Father McGetrick was completely unflustered, just stirred his tea and looked at my mother and said, "It's all right Daphne, I'm Scottish." (Laughter) (Applause)

我的生日是在圣诞节后的两天。 每年我都有蛋糕和其他所有的东西， 但我从来没得到过生日礼物，就因为我出生在圣诞节后两天。 大约在我九岁那年，我舅舅从德国回来， 天主教的神父当时也在家里， 我的母亲给他上茶的时候， 我的舅舅忽然问道，“克瑞斯的礼物呢？” 我妈妈说， “别在客人面前提礼物。” 但是他很绝望地显示出他刚刚回来， 所以他喊我过去对我说， “到我的卧室里。 打开行李箱，想拿什么拿什么。 就当作你的生日礼物。” 我肯定他以为我拿了一本书或者是一件衬衣， 但是我发现了一只充气绵羊。 （笑） 我吹好气，跑进客厅， 我的手指放到了不应该放的地方， 我把这只羊到处晃来晃去， 我妈当时看起来要被我雷死了。 （笑） 神父 McGetric却很镇静， 只是搅拌下他的茶，看着我妈说， “没事，达芙妮，我是苏格兰人。” （笑） （鼓掌）

My last days in prison, the last 18 months, my cellmate -- for the last year, the first year of the last 18 months -- My cellmate was 14 years old. The name was John James, and in those days if a family member committed a crime, the military would hold you as ransom till your family turned themselves in. So, here was this 14-year-old kid on death row. And not everybody on death row was a political prisoner -- there were some really bad people there. And he had smuggled in two comics, two comic books -- Spiderman and X-men. He was obsessed. And when he got tired of reading them, he started to teach the men in death row how to read with these comic books. And so, I remember night after night, you'd hear all these men, these really hardened criminals, huddled around John James, reciting, "Take that, Spidey!" (Laughter) It's incredible. I was really worried. He didn't know what death row meant. I'd been there twice, and I was terribly afraid that I was going to die. And he would always laugh, and say, "Come on man, we'll make it out." Then I'd say, "How do you know?" And he said, "Oh, I heard it on the grapevine." They killed him. They handcuffed him to a chair, and they tacked his penis to a table with a six-inch nail. Then left him there to bleed to death. That's how I ended up in solitary, because I let my feelings be known. All around us, everywhere, there are people like this.

我在监狱的最后的日子，一年半吧， 我的狱友—— 最后一年，一年半的第一年—— 我的狱友只有 14岁。 他的名字是约翰．詹姆斯 那时候如果家里面一个人犯罪， 军方会把你当人质关押起来 直到你的家人进监狱。 当时这个14 岁的男孩在死囚区。 并不是死囚区的每个人都是政治犯—— 上面当然也有真的很坏的人。 他走私了两本漫画书—— 蜘蛛侠和X战警。 他很着迷。 当他读厌的时候， 他开始教死囚区里的那些人来读 这些漫画书。 我还记得夜复一夜， 都可以听到那些人，那些刀枪不入的罪犯， 挤在约翰．詹姆斯的周围，说，“蜘蛛侠，拿着！” （笑） 这太不可思议了。 我当时很担心。 他不知道死囚区意味着什么。 我去过那儿两次， 我非常害怕我会死。 他总是笑笑说， “来吧，我们会出去的。” 我说，“你怎么知道的？” 他说，“我打听来的小道消息。” 他们还是杀了他。 他们把他铐在伊个椅子上， 他们将他的生殖器用六英寸长的钉子钉在桌子上。 他们就让他慢慢流血而死。 于是我就被单独拘禁了，因为我公开表达我的不满。 在我们周围，无论何处，都有像这样的人。

The Igbo used to say that they built their own gods. They would come together as a community, and they would express a wish. And their wish would then be brought to a priest who would find a ritual object, and the appropriate sacrifices would be made, and the shrine would be built for the god. But if the god became unruly and began to ask for human sacrifice, the Igbos would destroy the god. They would knock down the shrine, and they would stop saying the god's name. This is how they came to reclaim their humanity. Every day, all of us here, we're building gods that have gone rampant, and it's time we started knocking them down and forgetting their names. It doesn't require a tremendous thing. All it requires is to recognize among us, every day, the few of us that can see, are surrounded by people like the ones I've told you.

伊博人过去总是说他们创造了自己的神。 他们会聚集起来成为一个社区， 他们会集体许愿。 牧师会为他们的愿望 举行一个宗教仪式， 会供上合适的祭品， 会修一个供奉神的庙宇。 但是如果神开始专制，而且开始要人来当祭品， 伊博人会毁掉神。 他们会砸掉神庙， 他们不再说神的名字。 这就是他们如何宣扬他们的人性。 每天，我们每一个人， 都在创造飞扬跋扈的神， 现在我们应该推翻他们 忘记他们的名字。 这不需要轰轰烈烈的壮举。 需要的只是看到我们每天身边出现的， 很少人能看到的事， 就像我告诉你们的故事。

There are some of you in this room, amazing people, who offer all of us the mirror to our own humanity. I want to end with a poem by an American poet called Lucille Clifton. The poem is called "Libation," and it's for my friend Vusi who is in the audience here somewhere. "Libation," North Carolina, 1999. "I offer to this ground, this gin. I imagine an old man crying here, out of the sight of the overseer. He pushes his tongue through a hole where his tooth would be, if he were whole. It aches in that space where his tooth would be, where his land would be, his house, his wife, his son, his beautiful daughter. He wipes sorrow from his face, and puts his thirsty finger to his thirsty tongue, and tastes the salt. I call a name that could be his, this is for you, old man. This gin, this salty earth." Thank you. (Applause)

在座的各位有些是非常卓越的人， 你们给我们提供了一面人性的镜子。 我想以美国诗人露西尔 克利夫顿的诗来结尾。 这首诗叫"奠酒"，写给我的朋友西， 他也来到了现场。 “奠酒，” 1999年，北卡罗来拿。 我走向大地，端着杜松子酒。 冥冥中一个老人在这里哭泣， 监工看不到这里的一切。 他将自己的舌头塞进 嘴中的窟窿，仿佛他还依然完整。 牙齿本应填满窟窿，可如今却剧痛无比， 还有他的土地， 他的房子，他的妻子，他的儿子，以及他漂亮的女儿。 他拭去了脸上的痛苦， 把他干枯的手指放到干涸的舌头上， 品尝到了咸。 我轻唤他的名字，不知是真是假， 献给你，老人。 这杯杜松子酒，这咸咸的土地。” 谢谢。 （掌声）