大学英语四级作文范文讲评

作文题目： “Women in the Modern World”

提纲：

1. Women are playing an increasingly important part in society today.____________

2. With the changes in their social role, women’s position in the family has been improved as well. ___________________

3. In spite of these changes, the liberation of women has not been completely realized.

___________________________　　

例1． （2分段）

Women are playing an increasingly important part in society today. Long age, women only did something in the kitchen or at home. Now many of them have serious jobs to serve for people. What men can do so can women.

With the changes in their social role, women’s position in the family has been improved as well. Today in the family, the wife often lots her husband to do something at home bat ago, only women did something. Men are foned of doing something at home.

In spite of these changes, the liberation of women has not been completely realized. Sometimes, the matter, the husband hitting has welf, often happened. In the factory the wonmen to as much as the men, but they are paid less than the men. Some people have not completely realized the liberation of women.

东方教育点评：条理不清，思路紊乱，大部分句子均有错误，有的甚至影响理解。

具体问题剖析：(1)缺乏逻辑，东一句西一句，没有围绕中心论述，如第一段就没有展开论述妇女社会角色的转变，说得太笼统而缺乏说服力。

（2）用汉语思维，句子有明显的汉语痕迹，如“What men can do so can women.”，应改为“Women can do what men can do”。

（3）衔接不自然，没有用适当的关联词，如“Sometimes, the matter, the husband hitting has welf, often happened”，应改为“The case that husband hits his wife often happens. ”

（4）拼写错误很多，大部分句子均有错误。

例2．（5分段 ）

Women are playing an increasingly important part in society today. In today, many women have a work. They worked as well as men playing an important part in factories. There are many women in government also. They lead other people country, and make out plans. There are many scientist slso. They event new things to improve our life.

With the changes in their social role, women’s position in the family has been improved as well. In ancient, women’s position in family is pity. They had to looks after their children, did every how husband ordered her to do. But now it is changed. They are equal to her husband. They have the right of speaking of idea, discussion thing with her husband, do what she wants to do.

In spite of these changes, the liberation of women has not been completely realized. We also should realize, women’ likerty are limited. For example, many factories want men become its workers but the chance of women is less than men. Everyone should do their best to change this condition. I’m sure, the liberation of women would be increased.

东方教育点评：基本切题。但表达思想不清楚，连贯性差。有较多的严重语言错误。

具体问题剖析：（1）各段围绕中心句论述不深入，没有说服力。

（2）衔接不自然，没有用适当的关联词，如第一段几个句子之间可以用一些“besides”、“on the other hand”、“furthermore”、“in addition”等。

（3）语言错误较多，很多句子不通顺，如“In today, many women have a work.”应改为“Today, many women get a job.”(滥用介词)；“In ancient, women’s position in family is pity”中pity应改为pitiful（词形误用）；“They had to looks after their children, did every how husband ordered her to do.”中every 改为everything，how改为what（代词错误）；“They have the right of speaking of idea, discussion thing with her husband, do what she wants to do.”应改为“They have the right to express ideas, discuss things with their respective husband, and do what they want to.”(人称代词前后不一致)。

例3．（8分段）

Women are playing an increasingly important part in society today. Many Women today are playing an important part at works that was thought only could be done by the men before. For an example. Some women are not secrtary in the office, instead, they become manager of a company.

With the changes in their social role, women’s position in the family has been improved as well. In the world today, more and more women have their own job. They get their own salary, and become more independent from their husband. With the economic situation improved, their family position is improving.

In spite of these changes, the liberation of women has not been completely realized. Many husbands only want his wife to stay at home, and do house works or do some shopping. They only want their wife to be a housewife, but not a manager of a company.

东方教育点评：基本切题。有些地方表达思想不够清楚，文字勉强连贯；语言错误相当多，其中有一些是严重错误。　

具体问题剖析：（1）论证不够深入，缺少事例，缺少说服力。

（2）文字缺连贯、且显累赘，如第二段可以把各句再改得简练一点并且有适当的转承词。（3）语言错误相当多，如“For an example”，“Some women are not secrtary in the office, instead, they become manager of a company.”应改为“Some women are on longer secretaries in the office, instead, they become managers of the companies.”（单复数）

例4．（11分段）

Women are playing an increasingly important part in society today. More and more women go to work to earn money instead of keeping the house or looking after the children. Women have entered many fields of society including scientific field. As we know, many women sports teams have won the world’s champions such as Chinese women’s Volleyball Team.

With the changes in their social role, women’s position in the family has been improved as well. Husbands are not the masters of wives in many places. Husbands and wives are equal now. They join together to overcome difficulties and share happiness.

In spite of these changes, the liberation of women has not been completely realized. Also in some places. Women are considered being “thing” belong to men. They have little chance to find jobs. They don’t get equal pay for equal job. This is a problem must be solved not only by society but also by women themselves.

东方教育点评：切题。表达思想清楚，文字连贯，用词比较准确，但有少量语言错误，如“Also in some places. Women are considered being “thing” belong to men”，应改为“Also in some places，women are considered being the “things”that belong to men”

例5．（14分段）

Women are playing an increasingly important part in society today. In Many countries, more and more women are acting as workers, farmers, scientists and even leaders. We can say that almost all jobs which men can do are done perfectly by women. Women are no longer looked down upon by society.

With the changes in their social role, women’s position in the family has been improved as well. Husband and wife are now equal in the family. They cope with problems of daily life together, and share happiness with each ther. Also, you can hardly find out that in today’s families, women are being busy with dinners, whereas men comfortably sitting in armchairs, reading newspapers.

In spite of these changes, the liberation of women has not been completely realized. In spite of these changes, the liberation of women has not been completely realized. A number of men still jealously guard their rights, and regard women as incapable creature. Few women are allowed to attend important international meetings dominated by men. That’s really the problems we should solve immediately.

东方教育点评：切题。论证充分，有说服力，论证手段丰富（举例、正反）表达思想清楚，语言流畅，词汇丰富，连贯性好。用词准确，仅有个别小错误。

p.s. 由于一些例文错误较多，点评中只是列举了部分的典型错误，而且为了保持原文面貌，编辑没有做过多的改动，所以欢迎大家一起来挑错，有问题和小水一起讨论。

2003年9月考试四级作文题：The Day My Classmate Fell Ill (or Got Injured)
提纲：
1.简单叙述一下这位同学生病（或受伤）的情况
2.同学、老师和我是如何帮助他/她的
3.人与人之间的这种相互关爱给我的感受是……

例1． （2分段）
One day, we are all in classroom. Wang fang said, Oh! We all see her and found that she was crying! Teacher turned to ask her what was wrong. She said, I do got a fever, my head is very hot! Feng Gang sent she to hospital, we all followed they. In the hospital, doctor Wang give a inject to her, she gradually calm and not hot as before. We all thanked the doctor.

东方教育点评：未能按照题目要求写，没有着重写同学、老师和我是如何帮助他/她的 人与人之间的这种相互关爱给我的感受是……。条理不清，思路紊乱，大部分句子均有错误，有的甚至影响理解。
原文修改后：
One day, when we were all in classroom., Wang fang Suddenly cried,, Oh! We all looked at her and found that she was groaning. Teacher turned to ask her what was wrong. She said, I have got a fever, my head is very hot!
Immediately, our teacher sent her to hospital, and we all followed them. In the hospital, we asked doctor Wang to give an injection to her, and she gradually became calm and not as hot as before. We all thanked the doctor.
The day has passed, but it is clearly in my mind. I think if we can do things like that in the incident, the society will be better, and the relationship between people will be better as well!

例2．（5分段）
Last week, li ning and I studied in classroom. Suddenly, lining said to me that he had a headache .I asked he to see doctor. he said it was not bad. After 5 miniuts, lining sai to me his headache very serious. So I helped him go to hosptial.

Students and teacher heard lining went to hosptial, all of them went to the hosptial. Some teacher asked lining dont worry, it will be good .Some students asked lining take care of himself. lining said that he was very moved.
Thought this things, I think a lot .The world is beautiful, because the love filled in it .people can help each other when who are in trouble.

东方教育点评：本文基本切题。语句衔接不自然，简单句使用得太多，有些表达不太准确，有明显的中文痕迹。要加强衔接词的运用，单复句的转换，句式的多样化，还有语言基本功的训练。
原文修改后：
Last week, Li ning and I studied in classroom. Suddenly, lining told me that he had a headache. I asked him to see the doctor. he said it was not so serious. After 5 minutes, Lining told me that his headache became worse. So I helped him go to hospital.
When Students and teachers heard that Lining had gone to hospital, all of them went to the hospital. Some teachers asked Lining not to worry and to take care of himself. Lining said that he was very moved.
Throught this, I think a lot.The world is beautiful because it was filled in love--people help each other in trouble.

例3．（8分段）
One day there is a student who was isolated for infectious disease. We and our teachers are concerting about his situation. But he must be isolated from us for relivesing measure.
In this important period, we telephoned to him, we also told him that he had a good rest time. we suggested that he call up his friends who were not kept in touch because of burden study and read some books which he enjoys but have no time to read .At last we told him that he must get over this fell .
I think we should love each other .when somebody needs help we should lend our one hand to him.

东方教育点评：本文基本切题，也有必要的细节描述。但有的地方表达不清楚。有比较多的语言错误。要注意连接词的使用和句式多样化，长短句可以间隔使用，使用长句时注意语法、力求表达清楚。　
具体问题剖析：(1)全文时态不统一（举例略）。
（2）第二段语句衔接不自然，句式重复，且长句组织起来显得有点凌乱，语法错误相当多。在原文基础上修改如下：In this important period, we telephoned him, and told him to have a good rest.Besides, we advised him to call up his friends who were not kept in touch because of burdensome study ,on the other hand, to read some books which he enjoyed but had no time to read. At last we told him that he must overcome this ill.

例4．（11分段）
In 1 April 2003, one of my classmates was get serious cold. First day when he came to school, we found that his eyes were red and his sound was rough. The second day, his cold was too bad that he couldnt go to school.
At that time, there was a serious ill called SARS in our country. Its just like badly cold and can infected others easily. But our classmates didnt go away from him. They seemed more close to him. Our classmates helped him to take back breakfast. Our teacher came to see him with his notes book. He helped him to study in order that he didnt drop behind my classmates For he was my best friend, I just sat on his bed and do my best to comfort him.

Althought there was SARS around us, but I felt very warm from this thing. It told me that the love from true heart can help come across any difficult. We are so lucky that we live in a big warmth family. And not very long, my classmate was getting healthy and could come to school again. How happy we were!

东方教育点评：本文切题，表达思想清楚，文字比较连贯, 但有一些语法错误。
具体问题剖析：全文有一些语法、语言错误，如In 1 April 2003, one of my classmates was get serious cold.应改为In 1 April 2003,one of my classmates got serious cold.（时态）；First day when he came to school,应改为The first day when he came to school,（介词遗漏）；his sound was rough.应改为his voice was rough.（用词）；Althought there was SARS around us, I felt very warm from this thing.应把but去掉（连词）； It told me that the love from true heart can help come across any difficult.应改为It told me that the love from true heart could help come across any difficulties.（时态、词性错误）；We are so lucky that we live in a big warmth family.应改为We are so lucky that we live in a big warm family.（词性）。

例5．（14分段）
During the SARS period in this spring, the year of 2003, one of my classmates, Li ming, was struck down by the virus and was immediately sent to hospital.
The news spread quickly on campus. At first, we were terrified and wondered if we were infected too. However, through our governments publicity on mass media, we gradually conquered the fear and set out to try out best to help her. Some teachers provided darly necessities while some students recorded the English class contents for him so that Li ming could not be left behind. With our care and concern, Li ming recovered quickly.
Such an incident teaches us a good moral. Our society is full of love, warm and peaceful, in which people-from man to woman, from individual to individual-lend others a hand. Just like a famous song goes, the world will turn itto heaven only if everyone contributes a little. and I do believe that its my great honor to live in this love-filled paradise!

东方教育点评：本文切题，论证丰富生动，表达思想清楚，文字通顺，连贯性较好。基本上无大的语言错误，仅有个别小错误。

p.s. 由于一些例文错误较多，点评中只是列举了部分的典型错误，而且为了保持原文面貌，编辑没有做过多的改动，所以欢迎大家一起来挑错，有问题和小水一起讨论。

2003年9月六级考试作文题：
图表作文，关于一个美国大学图书馆的图书流动量（pop fiction, general nonfiction, science, art等），给出他们的流动比例对比，说明原因，并说明你自己喜欢阅读什么样的书。

例1． （2分段）

此分段标准为条理不清，思路紊乱，大部分句子均有严重错误。

（为了不影响市容，给大家造成负面影响，故此处略去100字……）

例2．（5分段）

From the novel, we can see that the students like read(reading) novel, at the same time, only (a) small part of students like read(reading) science and art.

The reason to(for) this is novel is intereting(interesting), students like reading it. Most of the students read too much(many) major books when they have classes, so they want to read some(something) interesting (when) they have time. Novel can let them relax(relaxed). So they choose novel.

I like read(reading) novel, by reading it I know a lot of things, I also relax my brains. So I choose the novel.

东方教育点评：(1)基本切题。

(2)表达思想不清楚，连贯性差。

(3)有较多的严重语言错误。

（4）字数不够，要酌情扣分。

例3．（8分段）

We can know from the picture that most of students like reading popular novel instead of reading science, poetry. From this we can know different people have different addiction to(preferences for) books.

Different people have different addiction to(preferences for) books. They read different books just to meet their different needs. Because different people have different meets to read the different kinds of books. From this we can also see that different people have different intentions and notions. So they choose the different things to meet their needs in every facet in life.

I like reading poetry because I think poetry can make me calm, pleased, comfort(comforted), (and) I can see many beautiful thing(things) in the poetry.

东方教育点评：(1)基本切题。

(2)第二段表达有点乱。

（3）语言错误相当多，其中有一些是严重错误。　

例4．（11分段）

Book is the source of life. When we read a book, we should not only linger on the surface of a book, but also we should(删掉) master its intrinsic. As is charted in the blank, we can see clearly that a majority of the university students in America are addictet(addicted) to the popular fiction, and a minority of student like reading the science, poetry.

Why do they like reading popular novels? In my opinion, popular novel books are usually interesting, earthly, close to our lives. In contrast, science, poetry books are usually serious, dull and difficult. Therefore, most of the students prefer the popular novels.

I like reading the since book（science books）. For one thing, it can make me enhance my speciality knoweledy(specialized knowledge); In addition, it can help me know the frontier about my speciality and master the newest things in since(science); thirdly, it can give a good chance to know a lot and can help me to study the useful subject when I graduate from the university.

东方教育点评：（1）本文基本切题，表达思想清楚。

（2）文字连贯，语言通顺。

（3）有一些语言错误。

例5．（14分段）

It can be discerned that the American students prefer to read the popular novel rather than other kind of books, such as the nonpopular (unpopular) novel, the books of technology, poem and so on. The percentage of the popular novel current(currently) is about 68.2%. Other kind of novels current(currently) is, reletively (relatively), about 16.8%, 8.3%, and 5.2%.

It is not hard to think out why the popular novels can attract so many students. The popular novel is interesting, and not so abstract as books that full of the mathmatic formulate(mathematic formulae). However, as university students, study is the first task for us to do. So we should pay more attention to the books about our major. Fictions may color our life, but it can not be the key part of our studying life.
Personally, I would like to spend my free time in reading books about my major, such as technology digests, computer newspaper... Because I want do to(删掉) a good job in my subjects. Fortunately, my dreams come true, meanwhile, I ve gained other things--I found（have founded） a solid basic knowledge about my major(加破折号)make me feel easy to contrive the electronic circuit which have to be done during our bachelor years. Thanks to those books!

东方教育点评：（1）切题。

（2）论证比较有力，表达思想清楚。

（3）文字通顺，连贯性较好，但有个别语言错误。

注： 文中划线部分为原文的一些明显语言错误，括号里的为修改建议，为保持原文面貌，对于结构没有做过多改动。
2003年6月考试四级作文题：An Eye-Witness Account of a Traffic Accident
假设你在某日某时某地目击一起车祸，就此写一份见证书。
见证书须包括以下几点：
1、车祸发生的时间及地点；
2、你所见到的车祸情况；
3、你对车祸原因的分析。

例1． （2分段）

At 9:00, Jan. 20, 2003, I eye-witness a traffic accident in Dongfang Street.

I see that a（an） old people is hitted (hit)by a car.

In my opinion, the rapid driver is the main reason, but the old people also has his error.

东方教育点评：（1）字数明显不够，尽管都点题了，但只有三句话。
（2）有语法错误。

例2．（5分段）

In my opinion, the driver of Benz auto should be blamed on(for) the traffic accident. It was his drunk driving that resulted in this accident.

It is not(no) doubt that the traffic accident is a high(hot) topic in the modern(modern) society, different people have different attitude (attitudes) to this.

When it come(comes) to the accident, people think it responsible for the driver. But last Sunday I see(saw) a(an) accident. A woman crossed a street when a car turn(turned at) the crossing .it is too late to stop the car ,The women was bad(badly) hurt. The people who was walking along the street took the woman to hospital, (and) the driver came with them.

As far as （I am） concerned, the both sides have responsibility for this, begin（at the beginning）, the woman shouldnot cross the street. Forthemore, the driver should pay more attention. Last. we should take proper measure .Only (when) we take the measure and we （become） more careful can we have a colorful （life） tomorrow.

东方教育点评：(1)本文基本切题。
（2）但有的地方表达思想不清楚，层次不够清楚。如第二段把描述车祸情况和发生原因混为一谈，而最后一段的总结又很牵强。
（3）全文有比较多的语言错误，而且有些是严重的错误。

例3．（8分段）

At 9:00am October 25st(25th) 2003, I saw a traffic accident on Daxue Road. At that time, I was on my way to school.

When I turned right on the corner, a motorbike knocked into a small car. The motorbike was red, and there are(were) two persons on the motorbike. The car was yellow. The motorbike fell down, and the two persons on the motorbike were slight injured. The (car) driver came out of the car at once, and asked about the two persons. As soon as I saw that, I made a telephone call to 110.The traffic police arrived in a short time.

According to what I saw, I thought there may be one reason leading to the accident. That was the motorbike kept too short （a） distant from the car. When the car slowed down, the motorbike couldnt slow down in time. So the accident took place.

东方教育点评：（1）基本切题。
（2）文字连贯性不强，尤其是第二段，缺少一些必要的衔接词。
（3）简单句太多，可以考虑把一些合并成复合句。
（4）有些地方人称指代不明（如司机），容易引起误解
（5）有一些基本的时态、语法错误。

例4．（11分段）

Last Friday afternoon, when I was on my way home, a traffic accident took place at the crossing of Shanghai Road.

A pupil was knocked down by a black car when he was walking across the street. His legs were badly hurt. Sever(Several) minutes later an ambulance came, and the driver of the black car sent the pupil to the hospital immediately.

In my eyes, this accident was due to that the pupil broke the traffic rules. That is to say, the pupil walked across the street when the traffic lights were red. As soon as the driver saw the pupil, he stopped the car, however, it was too late. In my opinion, it was necessary to advocate people to confirm to the traffic rules. If the pupil hadnt broken the traffic rules, the accident might not have happened.

东方教育点评：(1)本文比较切题，表达思想清楚。
（2）语句比较通顺，但有少量语言错误。

例5．（14分段）

My name is Liming. I am studying at college. A week ago I saw a traffic accident , which is still vivid in my mind.

It was at about 9:00 on Saturday morning, June 15th, when I went out of the university to visit a friend of mine at another university. I was walking leisurely on the sidewalk when I heard a loud crash of two vehicles just at the T-junction about 10 meters away. Two taxis crashed together. It was a traffic accident.

I went up and found that the two taxis were badly damaged. Both hoofs were out of shape. One door of a car was knocked off and lying on the road. One driver was blooding and another was shut in the taxi. Some people were trying to help the driver get out of the damaged car. One man was calling to the traffic policeman station. A lot of cars were jammed on the road.

From the stopping track on the road, it is clear that the two taxis were driving too fast. But it is just one of the reasons. In my opinion, the taxi drivers are eager to take more passengers and make a little more money. On the other hand, both drivers dont show concern for one another. Both of them wanted to run in front of another. Therefore, the accident is inevitable. So far, we should let the drivers keep it in their mind that a little slower, a little safer. Taking care of others lives means taking care of your own life.

东方教育点评：（1）切题。
（2）表达清楚，描述详细生动。
（3）文字通顺，连贯性较好。
（4）基本上无大的语言错误，仅有个别小错误。

注： 文中划线部分为原文的一些明显语言错误，括号里的为修改建议，为保持原文面貌，对于结构没有做过多改动。

2003年6月考试六级作文题：Changes of Ownership of Houses in China
图表作文，图表内容是1990，1995，2000的公房和私房变化柱状表，趋势是公房越来越少，私房越来越多。
提纲：1.简单描述一下图表内容
2.变化原因
3.这个变化对个人和社会的影响

例1． （2分段）
此分段标准为条理不清，思路紊乱，大部分句子均有严重错误。
为了不影响市容，给大家造成负面影响，故此处略去100字……

例2．（5分段）

It is descerned that（删掉）the number of pirate（private） houses had been on a（an） increase from 1990 to 2000.In 1990, it was about 20 percent; In 1995 it was 40 percent; In 2000, it was 80 percent.

There were some reasons for this fact. One of them was the improvement of peoples living conditions（condition）, all people wanted to own pirate houses.

On the other hand, peoples income was on a（an） increase, they could afford to buy pirate houses!

Obviously, there were some good things resulted from this fact. Such as it could improve Chinese economy. But there were also some bad things, such as it took much time to go to work!

东方教育点评：（1）本文基本切题。
（2）字数不够，要酌情扣分。
（2）第一段描述图表不应该单列举出数字，而是应该重点描写变化趋势 ；第二段说明理由不够充分；第三段说明影响有点牵强。
（4）全文语言错误较多。

例3．（8分段）

From the graph it is clear that the percentage of the state owned house in china in a city has decreased greatly from 75% in 1990 to 20% in 2000, while the private house has increased sharply. what has caused these changes?

There are, I think, at least two main reasons for these changes. to begin with, with the development of the technology and science, peoples living standard has improved greatly and they can afford to buy high-graded things such as TV, computer and even house. Secondly it is due to the mind people hold and the ecomonic policy. As is known to all, the price of house is often very high, and people must (used to) save their money (for) many years, （however,）as their minds changed, they went to the bank to borrow money and the ecomonic policy also encouraged them to do so. There may be some other reasons, but the above mentiond are commonly acceptable.

To conclude, the ownership of houses reflect the development of our country and people are enjoying a better life, I am firmly sure that the productivity of the society will keep improving and people will enjoy a more affluent life in the near future.

东方教育点评：（1）本文基本切题，语句基本通顺
（2）第一段描述图表太简单，第二段有些地方表达思想不够清楚，第三段太简单。
（3）不少语言错误。

例4．（11分段）

As is shown by the bar chart, we can see that great changes have been taken place in a big city in China during the year from 1990 to 2000. The number of stated-owned houses is on the decline, while the private houses are（is） on the rise.

To get the sourse(source) of this changes, it is nature for us to come up with the following reasons. In the first place, owning to the advance in peoples living standard ,people are better off today, and they have more money to buy a house .In the second place , with the development of society and economy, some achievements have been maken(made) in housing construction. Last but not least, thanks to the increasing consciousness of confortable(comfortable) life, people are in favor of buying a house. All this results in the boom of private housing.

Benefits of this(these) changes are obvious. It is advantage to both people and society. For one thing, with house, people can enjoy their confortable(comfortable) life. For another, this(these) changes can stimulate our nations economic development.

东方教育点评：(1)切题。
（2）表达思想清楚，语句通顺。
（3）但有少量语言错误。

例5．（14分段）

It can be obviously seen from the chart above that our modern society has experienced a great change, and in the last decade, from 1990 to 2000, more and more people prefer private houses to state-owned ones.

There are a lot of reasons for it. First of all, state-owned houses lack the individualized characteristics, which are highly advocated in the modern society today. In addition, The declining prices of the private houses, with the skyrocketing income of people in recent years, contribute to the increase of purchases of private houses because, after all, economy is the most basic factor each family or individual can decide on. At last, the purchases of private houses can entitle consumers to a more flexible selection in terms of location, house type and even the relevant service than that of its state-owned counterpart.

This phenomenon, in my opinion, has not only upgraded the quality and standard of life of people , but also improved the ＆#118alue of consumption of our modern society. And it is more significant that the phenomenon has formed a social atmosphere in our life in which everyone strives harder and harder for the sake of his life and future.