GRE写作讲义(二)－习作评改1
修改范例
In deed, astrology, fortune-telling and psychic readings can sometimes provide comfort when we are feeling sad, enliven our lives when we are bored, and spark hope when we are depressed. But these pursuits are ultimately based on falsehood and their benefits are short-lived and illusionary. Science remains the most reliable source for self-understanding and solutions to practical problems.
这段的最后一句话就是对全文的综述，让读者了解后面的内容大致是什么样子的。后面内容中大量的证据是用来说明科学是用来了解自身以及解决实际问题的最可靠的手段。这样的开头段做到了语言简洁，内容充实，结构清晰。
原稿（第二段） | 语言修改 |
Although called[6] nonmainstream areas, we should not ignore that to some extent, these areas such as astrology play an active role in society. We can see that in various festivals, no matter[7] Chinese (such as Spring Festival) or Western (such as Valentine's Day), people are willing to resort to astrology, mostly hoping to meet good luck[8]. This kind of activity always meets[9] their needs, because the equivalent nature of astrology destines[10] it will not dampen people's enthusiasm and hope. With these nonmainstream areas people's life becomes more colorful. | Although they are called nonmainstream, we should admit that to some extent, beliefs such as astrology play an active role in society. We can see that in various holidays, whether Chinese or Western, people are willing to resort to nonmainstream ideas. These kinds of activities meet our needs because they encourage enthusiasm and hope and make people’s lives more colorful. |
内容点评及修改
这是习作的第二段，作者进一步展开论述，提出尽管迷信是非主流的，但是我们不能忽略它，因为它在这个社会上的确是有些作用的，有些积极因素。同时还举了些例子，如在中国和西方的节日中，人们都使用占星术，因为大多数人都希望有好运气。这样的活动满足了人们的需求，因为它没有削减人们的热情和希望。正因为有了这些非主流的追求，人们的生活才变得更加丰富多彩。
这一段大致的内容没有问题。但是在细微的地方，在内容和语言上都有值得改进之处。语言问题请参见脚注。这里主要谈一下内容方面的问题。
本文中的例子不足以支持论点。情人节与占星术无关，人们也不会希望过情人节能带来好运。中国春节习俗在中国是非常主流的文化内容，不能算是非主流的。同样，国外源于宗教的节日都不能归类于非主流。作者说的论点是非主流的信仰能够丰富人们的生活，就一定要用具体的实例来说明这些信仰如何丰富了人们的生活。
其实，在这段中可以说明一下非科学的信仰满足了人们什么方面的需求，在接下来的段落中对比说明科学又能给人们带来什么不同的或更多的好处。
另外，同学们的习作中较少使用插入语和短语，其实英语文章中常用一个逗号相隔，然后把短语放进去，这样可以调节读者在阅读时的呼吸，增加写作的节奏感。
对于考生来说找例证似乎很难，其实也不尽然。让我们来看看下面的段落是怎么阐述的。
修改范例1
Although they are called nonmainstream, we should admit that to some extent, beliefs such as astrology play an active role in society. A glance at the astrology column in different newspapers and magazines reveals do’s and don’ts that contain more encouragement than warning. Frequently there are phrases like: “Aquarius should cease feeling depressed or exerting pressures on yourself”, or “Chances are good that Leo will get a promotion this week, so keep moving on and show your talent to your boss”, or “Things may go astray for Virgo this week, yet just wait to see the silver lining next week.” These nonmainstream contributions meet a need because they foster enthusiasm and hope and make our lives colorful.
和前面的范例相比，这段中的例子非常具体，它直接引用了报纸上星座命理栏目中的话。如宝瓶座不要感到沮丧，不要给自己太多的压力。狮子座的人这个星期能得到提拔，所以要加油干，让老板知道你的才干。处女座的人这个星期可能情况不太好，但是下个星期希望就出现了。由此可见，只要开动的脑筋，发挥想象力，例子，例证是比较容易写的，能够充分证明这个观点的例证还很多。
比如我们可以从这样一个角度论述，很多人并不是靠迷信或求助于非科学的信仰来安排他们的生活的。很多人在科学无法解释的情况下才有可能求助于这些非主流的东西。然后列举下面的事实。例如，一个死去妻子的人可能在梦见跟他的妻子说话。心理学可能解释这是因为他的潜意识的愿望。但是这位失去妻子的丈夫愿意相信他的妻子是在阴间跟他说话。一个孩子被绑架了的父亲在警察不能帮他找到孩子的下落的情况下就会相信巫术可以发现告诉他孩子藏身于何处。好像人们是愿意相信科学的，但在科学无法解释而人们又有极大的需求的情况下，他们就有可能走向非科学的解释。有了这些贴切的例证，然后再用地道的英文阐述出来，我们的作文就成功了。请看修改范例2。
修改范例2
Most people do not order their lives according to the paranormal, many would be willing to consider them as explanations when science fails or a possibility in the background of what is real. A husband who has lost his wife might have very vivid dreams in which he talks to her. Psychology may say that this resulted from his own subconscious wishes, but the husband may find himself believing that his wife has spoken from the dead. A father whose child has been kidnapped might consult a psychic for visions of where the child has been taken if the police investigations have failed. It seems that people can trust in science, but are willing to consider other possibilities when scientific explanations fail them.
上面的这一段中的例子可以启发我们想起更多的相关事实，其实这些都是我们日常生活中所经历的。我相信下面这些例子，听起来肯定也不陌生。当那些悲伤的遗属极度想要与他们去世的亲人见面的时候，他们可能就相信巫婆能够帮助活人和死人进行交流。比如白居易的《长恨歌》中就写道因唐明皇在杨贵妃死后过于思念她，于是就有人推荐“临邛道士鸿都客，能以精诚致魂魄。”，而唐明皇本人也相信并希望“天上人间会相见”。有些人对自己的职业或自己的前途感到担忧、不确定的时候，他们就求计于看手相或是算命的。那些感到地球是宇宙中一个非常孤独的所在的人就会相信在宇宙当中一定还有别的造福人类的生命存在。的确，巫术、占星术、以及其他的非主流精神现象在许多文化当中都存在。人们用这些办法来解释宇宙，来获得力量，否则的话在这个世界当中很多人就会觉得很无助。请看修改范例
修改范例3
Grieving family members seeking to contact their lost relatives find comfort in believing that mediums can contact the dead. Some people who are worried about their jobs or facing difficult decisions feel more assured about the future when they consult a palm-reader or fortune-teller. Those who lack power or feel that the earth is a lonely place in the vast universe may find a more acceptable perspective in believing that other benevolent beings exist. Witchcraft, astrology, and psychic phenomenon can be found in most cultures as man’s attempt to explain the universe, or to gain power over a world in which humans are otherwise helpless.
在真正的GRE考试中是不用把这上面举例的三段都放上去，写两段，甚至一段就足够了。因为在这篇文章当中作者更倾向于主流的科学，而否定这些非主流的精神追求。这里列出这么多就是为了提醒大家这些例证是万万缺不得的。而且，根据这些例子还要告诉大家，举出恰当贴切的例证并非如想象的那么难，只要多思考，平时多积累就可以在写作考试时信手拈来。
[1] “It is…”的句型使用不当，因为这里没有强调的必要。这个句型经常被滥用，使用时应注意避免。
[2] and the like在正式的写作中不应当出现这样的语汇。
[3]第一句话中的more引出了很大的问题，它曲解了题目原意, 即nonmainstream的作用比mainstream enquiry的作用还要重要。而题目原意是 “play a vital role”, 并不是 a “pivotal,” or “central” role.
[4] always的语序位置不对，应该是the mainstream science always…
[5] “燃起希望”可以写成sparked a hope, kindled a hope。“light up”在这里用错了，这个词组的意思是给人带来兴奋和快乐，如：The shining report cards lit up Father’s face. 优异的成绩单让父亲脸上流露出快乐。/The funny cartoon picture lit up the children's eyes. 这有趣的卡通画报让孩子们的眼中流露出快乐。
[6]第一句话语法错误，主语应该是”these areas”, 但是现在的主语成了“We”.
[7] “No matter”应改为“whether”。
[8] “meet good luck”，“有好运气”不是标准的英语表达。
[9] “This kind”后面应该是复数，后面的谓语不应当是meets。
[10] “destine”一词表示“一定”，通常是用作形容词：He was destined for an important career in the Church of England. 他注定在英国的教堂中担任重要职务。/By family tradition he was destined for a career as a regular army officer.因为家庭传统，他肯定要当一个军官。
手机网站