雅思学生作文精彩点评

　题目：Nowadays, the young people are leaving school and unable to find a job. What are the individual and social reasons for this phenomenon? What measures can be taken to solve this problem?
　　Unemployment seems to be a popular word in young people's life
　　currently. Young people from colleges and universities would like to describe their situations in an interesting, but yet realisticreal, way:
　　Graduation is equal to unemployment.
　　Broadly speaking, two aspects of reasons may contribute to this problem.
　　As With a the macro environment of employment young people living inin a slump, the society is argued as the primary cause of this problem. Influencing factors stemming from the society are the higher recruitment requirements of organizations and their distrust on of young people' ability, both technically and morally. Along with the economic development, more corporations need employees with high standard of practical skills and advanced knowledge s toward one particular area. Moreover, mastery of interpersonal skills is also required by the majority of companies today. However, young people seem to be lack of these requirements. On the other hand, some organizations are likely to put impose their distrust on young people due to their unfavorable ability and inadequate business ethics recognition. As a result of the arguments above, young people are likely to suffer from unemployment after leaving school.
　　Apart from social reasons, young people themselves should be responsible for this problem. They should admit that the majority of them are ambitious. However, the ambitious but unrealistic young people may bring serious problems to their employer. They may solve problems on the basis of their dreams, which is unacceptable by most organizations since they do not want to take risks and pay for young students' mistakes. Also, the majority of young people are lack of practical skills. They may write excellent research papers but probobaly maybe unable to figure out one problem in real work situation. (Exemiplifying may add luster to your writing, which will absolutely strengthen your persuasiveness.)For example, ……
　　Thus it can be alleged that the unemployment problem roots in the society and young students, who, however, do hold the solution in their hands. The society should play a more vital role in solving addressing this problem by establishing organizations to help young people obtain real work skills. Australian government has done a program called Professional Year which does provide a great help to young students to fins find jobs and develop their working skills. However, at the same time, young students should make themselves active to learn how to balance their dream and the reality.
　　Comments:
　　1.Excellent work you’ve done. Your writing is decent as a whole. Yet some details still leave a little to be desired. Namely, vocabulary diversity and sentence structure diversity are supposed to be strengthened, i.e. you should replace some words with their synonyms in order to avoid repetition of the same word.
　　2.idea←reasons←examples
　　Reasons support your idea, and examples uphold the reasons. As a result, your view will will be built on the firm rocks of examples, which will be rather convincing and power overwhelming. Hence, exemplification is fairly a good way to help you to make a good composition.
　　3.Eliminate the minor mistakes!
　　4.Keep up the good work. More practice is indispensable.
　　5.Grades: 6.5