新托福作文评改之肯定观点立论法

To Build a Community Shopping Center – YES
 
I.     Essay
 
Topic: It has recently been announced that a large shopping center may be built in your neighborhood. Do you support or oppose this plan? Why? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.
 
For those people, who are living far away from the downtown area, it is very essential to build a shopping center, which closes home. (For those people, who are living far away from the downtown area, it is essential to build a shopping center close to home.) As far as I am concerned, there is a long distance between their homes and the shopping center, so a inside community shopping center appear important. (As far as I know, current shopping centers are far from their homes, so a community shopping center would be important.) (1) (“As far as I know”) (A)
 
The reasons are quite clear. Firstly, it is reasonable for people to expect saving time from unnecessary things. For instance, the time I spend on the way to shopping, is more than an hour. (For instance, it takes me over an hour to get to the shopping center.) (2)Sometimes it is even worse, when confront the public holidays. (Sometimes it is even worse, especially during public holidays.) Shopping originally was an enjoyable thing for most people. However in this kind of situation, on the contract, shopping became a trouble. (However, in this case, on the contrary, shopping is a lot of trouble.) (“in this case”) (B) (“on the contrary”) (C) Just imagine what it would be like if it took such a long time to go shopping. People will easy agree to vote to build a close shopping center. (People would readily agree to build a community shopping center.)
 
Secondly, shopping near home not only saves time, but also saves money and energy. That is all, it could supply person with more convenience. (It would provide people with much more convenience.) Most of the citizens in my city can't afford a car. So public transportation is the major means by which to go shopping. Every time after shopping, people will face two options: bus or taxi. (People always face two options after they go shopping: bus or taxi.) If decide to take the bus, it will cost a lot of energy to take all their stuffs to rush into the packed bus, and when they can't find a seat they have to stand for a long time. (If they decide to take a bus, then they will have to take all their bags and rush into a packed bus, and if they can’t find a seat, they’ll have to stand for the whole ride.) However on the other hand, if decide to order a taxi, it will cost money.  (On the other hand, if they decide to take a taxi, then it will be expensive.) Therefore, the best solution will be shopping at a place close to home.
 
Admittedly, to build a shopping center close home will take some noise at the beginning construction, but as the community numbers, we have to look forward for the further convenience. (Admittedly, the construction of a shopping center will make considerable noise, particularly at the beginning, but as a community, each citizen will have future convenience to look forward to.) (3) After careful consideration, it is not hard to draw the conclusion to welcome building a shopping center close to home.
 
II.   Editorial Comments
 
1.       Original: As far as I am concerned, there is a long distance between their homes and the shopping center, so a inside community shopping center appear important. Revised: As far as I know, the current shopping center is far from their homes, so a community shopping center would be important.
 
“As far as I am concerned”应该是“考虑到……”，而这里作者的原意是“据我所知”，所以用这个短语并不确切。appear important用在这里很奇怪。Appear一般是指表面上看起来是那样，但实际上并不是那样，用在这里意思刚好相反。
 
2.       Original: For instance, the time I spend on the way to shopping, is more than an hour. Revised: For instance, it takes me over an hour to get to the shopping center.
 
当表达花多少时间做某事的时候，通常使用it takes…to do…的形式。一般不直接说the time… is more than an hour.
 
3.       Original: Admittedly, to build a shopping center close home will take some noise at the beginning construction, but as the community numbers, we have to look forward for the further convenience. Revised: Admittedly, building a shopping center close to home will make some noise, particularly at the beginning of the construction, but as a community, each citizen will have the future convenience to look forward to.
 
close后面跟名词，必须用介词to联接。
noise一词不可以用take作动词
 
III.  Alternative Expressions
 
A.    The expression “as far as I know” indicates the speaker has an opinion or view based on limited knowledge. Example: As far as I know, his parents are paying for his education. Other ways to express this meaning:
(i)   “based on what I know” – Example: Based on what I know, eating processed meat is unhealthy.
(ii) “to my knowledge” – Example: To my knowledge, it is better to sleep well before a big exam than to stay up all night studying.
(iii) “It is my understanding that” – Example: It is my understanding that Americans like to eat sandwiches for lunch.
 
B.   The expression “in this case” refers to a situation that is different from one mentioned before. Other ways to express such a meaning:
(i)  “under such conditions” – Example: C’mon, you don’t expect to be ready for the marathon. You haven’t been running for one month and are out of shape. Under such conditions, you won’t be able to finish.
(ii)  “in this scenario” – Example: I do not agree withyourproposal and I would like to submit my own proposal for the president’s review. My proposal maps out a new plan. In this scenario, the company will certainly succeed.
 
C.    The expression “on the contrary” signals an opposing idea from one mentioned before. Example: His straight A’s made him overconfident that he would be admitted into his choice university. On the contrary, however, he painfully found out that grades alone do not guarantee college admission.
(i)  on the other hand - Example: On the other hand, I am not allowed to stay out past 1:00 a.m.
(ii)  when in fact - Example: He thought he had passed the test, when in fact he had failed.