分析托福写作常见错误

　　我们先来看一道题目：

　　Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: For future success, relating well to others is more important than studying hard at school.

　　某学员的观点为studying hard is more important for future success，并完成了以下的段落：

　　[Topic Sentence]First of all, studying hard at school can lay a good foundation. [Explanation] Medicine and law are both need long time to study’s subject. People should learn at least three years to have a basic recognition. [Example]For example, one day a man goes to the hospital. And the doctor who is curing the man says that I may not bring you a healthy body because I can get this job result from my friend. Actually I am not good at it. So I have a question is if you meet a doctor just like this, what would you do? And what would you think about it? This type of people cannot be allowed to appear in the society. It is an opposite instance.

　　虽然此段的结构很清晰，但是在内容层面，还是有很多常见的托福写作错误发生：

　　1. 解释与主题句逻辑联系不紧密。解释的精髓在于将主题句的抽象概念进行第一层次的具体化，并起到把主题与例子联系起来的桥梁作用。但是，以上文段当中问题比较明显。首先，主题句中的要点在于hard，而解释的部分却表达了long time. 时间长跟努不努力没有关系。

　　Problematic: Medicine and law are both need long time to study’s subject. People should learn at least three years to have a basic recognition.

　　Revised: The success of many elites in different fields[埋下伏笔，为例子做铺垫] is the result of unrelenting efforts[同义改写，呼应主题句] in their school days.

　　2. 例证欠缺说服力差。例子需要围绕主题句和解释部分的逻辑展开，比如这道题，最核心的逻辑链条便是由studying hard带来的success。作者想用一个反例来说明如果不好好学习，能力不够是没法在社会上生存的。但是在表达方式上过于口语化，而且语言质量不高。

　　Problematic: For example, one day a man goes to the hospital. And the doctor who is curing the man says that I may not bring you a healthy body because I can get this job result from my friend. Actually I am not good at it. So I have a question is if you meet a doctor just like this, what would you do? And what would you think about it? This type of people cannot be allowed to appear in the society. It is an opposite instance.

　　Revised: Doctors serve as an excellent example. [正例]In order to become successful doctors, medical students must read thousands of professional books and papers at school, take numerous tests and spend long hours in the laboratory. No one can deny that hard work at school greatly contributes to their reputation and expertise. Patients will be more comfortable receiving medical treatment from these doctors. [反例]Conversely, no one is willing to see a doctor who is poor in academics but good at establishing social connections.

　　段落开头的格式：

　　英文段落开头的格式分为两种，缩进式和齐头式。

　　缩进式：英文段落开头的缩进式与现代汉语的段落开头很相似。在段落开头第一个单词之前空出4至8个字符。采用这种方式的托福写作备考，段落与段落之间不用空行。