托福写作满分作文赏析：电影和电视的利弊

　　托福写作题目：

　　A/D Movies and televisions have more negative effects than positive effects on the way young people behave.

　　30分作文也没有那么难做到啦。这是一篇近期考出30分写作的同学的考前习作。这个考试季很多同学反映写作压分，30分的作文单项分已经很罕见。我们一起看看，在这个季节，什么样的作文能稳稳拿下考场高分。

　　总结一下几个要点

　　1. 清晰有力的论证逻辑

　　2. 准确的用词

　　3. 句式的适当变化，如排比，虚拟，短句的偶尔出现。

　　4. 小错误多次出现可以容忍

　　托福写作满分作文：

　　Whenever I turn on TV, I see dark themes and plots of programs broadcast on it. Just calculate roughly, there are about 30 programs whose theme is pessimistic in every 40 programs. 【眼尖的同学一眼能看出来几处语法错误，显然ETS不那么介意;我们要学习的是作者用数字说明问题】And there are so many plots orienting adults that should not be seen by young people.【上面两个句子点出电视节目的两个问题，为论点的出现做充足铺垫】So I strongly believe that movies and televisions have more negative effects than positive effects on the way young people behave. 【出论点，论点句要稳扎稳打，千万别此刻玩花的，花大了别人没看懂就麻烦了】This is not only because young people will imitate the inappropriate behavior in the programs, but also because the dark theme of them will distort the way young people view the world.【预告自己的两个分论点，老套的开头结构，胜在稳重清晰】

　　Firstly, young people may imitate the bad behavior they saw on televisions and movies.【同样，观点句不许玩花的，老实点儿】 Young people, especially children, are not sophisticated enough to think about the consequences【用词准确】 or their behavior carefully, and they are often eager to try new things 【解释论点句为什么成立--因为年轻人有这些特性】. Television programs and movies often include some violent behavior in them in order to make the plots more inviting【用词准确】 and attract more people to watch.【重申电视节目的特点，暴力镜头多，与上一句‘年轻人爱模仿’的信息合起来为下一句短句的力量制造必要条件】 So here is the problem【我们一再强调的短句的力量】. Young people will probably try those inappropriate【用词准确】 behaviors they saw on televisions, thinking they are normal or acceptable.【换个方式把论点句重新说了一遍，但并不让人觉得重复，因为顺承上文的逻辑推理而成立。全段没有一个例子，直接用纯论证完成，功力可见】

　　Secondly, lots of pessimistic themes of television programs or movies will make young people feel sad about the world. 【虽然主语长了一些，但作为论点句，依然是经典的主谓宾结构，简洁明了】As mentioned in the former paragraph, there are violence in TV programs and movies, and young people may not only imitate those bad behaviors, but also affected by the sad view in these programs.【借力上一段的内容，回点上段，增加文章内部的粘结力，但是在上一段所讨论信息的基础上向前推进一步，推出新论点，经典的承上启下结构】 Because they are during a period when their ways of looking at the world are formed, seeing too much about the dark side of the society is no good for their growth.【解释上一句为什么成立--因为年轻人世界观正在成形,应该用being formed 而不是are formed，但这种小错误不影响高分】It can create a false sense of reality【用词准确，来自平时的积累】, as if the only newsworthy events are those that are tragic or violent. They may form a bad habit of always looking at people or events from a dark point of view, feeling hopeless and despairing, even conducting some self-destructive behaviors.【这个列举的句子如果从sat语法的角度来说也是错误多多的……不过从语义上来说，做了一个因势利导夸大其词的论证推断，三个列举层层递进互为因果，还是实现了列举的修辞效果的】

　　Admittedly, there are some programs trying to convey optimistic view to viewers, but their plots are so unrealistic that they cannot convince young people. 【让步段第一句话，先提出自己之前的论证没有正视的情况，再明确指出这种情况的致命缺点】And they tell stories in a too exaggerating way, making stories more unconvincing. 【补刀】For example【全文都没有举例论证，到这里实在摒不住了，呵呵】, once I saw a TV program on the daily life of a couple. In order to convey【用词准确】 the view that ‘if you do good things, you will always get want you want’, the program told a story that the young man picks up 10000 dollars three times a week just because he always helps his neighbors and the god is touched by him! What a ridiculous story! If I were a child, I would have no desire to do good things, as I didn’t believe I would pick up so much money no matter how many good things I did.【这个虚拟语气的使用信手拈来，适合各种假设状况的探讨】 So even if there are some programs with optimistic themes, I don’t think they will impact young people more than those with pessimistic themes. 【总结这个例子对于自己论点的意义，再次强化自己的立场】