Courage to Change

This is a story about a woman we will call Anne, a thirty-five-year-old woman who concluded that she could never find a man. She determined that loneliness was her fate and thus went as far as accepting it as fact. Her case proves what I have discovered in advising single men and women: it does not matter what your circumstances are, every man or woman can and is able to find a happy relationship or reach their potential by making the right choices.

Anne was a very beautiful and educated woman. Beneath her beauty were a lot of problems that I never imagined. She had grown up in a family where she was led to believe that no man would ever want her. She was the best looking and best educated among her family members. Yet for many years she worked in the family Business for minimum wage. The sad part was she was willing to work under those terms until the day she died, because she had accepted that she was the black sheep of the family.

One of the ideas I suggested to Anne, to help her to stop thinking she would never find love, was to start dating. But she was even afraid to date. When the suggestion was made, Anne declined, saying, "But who wants me? No man will date a woman like me." I tried my very best to let Anne know that she was a very attractive woman. All she needed to do was believe there was a man out there for her.

She was so concerned that no man would accept her, the thought of having to start dating made her cry. I personally began feeling sorry for her. I could not understand why she was so afraid to venture outside. I finally reached a point where the only choice I had left in my attempt to help Anne was to give her an ultimatum. I told her: "Anne, you can do it. I am willing to help you but if you are going to come to me for advice, only to make one excuse after the other, then why bother? Don't waste my time. Anne, you must try. Give guys a chance to take you out at least in the daytime. If you are concerned, tell someone about your date, your date's name and phone number, where you will be going and what time you should be arriving Home.

"Don't let your date pick you up from your mom's house," I told her. "Meet him somewhere in the open. This way he does not know where you live and you will not have to worry about him coming to look for you." I proceeded to tell Anne that unless she was willing to try, I didn't see any reason why she should continue coming to me for help.

At the same time, I knew a spiritual couple who were visiting from the U.S. I invited Anne to have dinner with me and the couple in the hopes that the woman could befriend Anne. Anne told me she didn't have any friends. The only people she saw were myself and a couple of friends I had introduced her to. Unfortunately, none of them wanted to befriend Anne, because she was so negative about everything. People simply did not want to be around her. After the dinner was over, we all began to converse.

I had tried to encourage Anne to leave Home and be her own woman. As we talked after dinner, the woman began to share a story with Anne. The woman told Anne: "Once there was an eaglet who grew up with ducks. When the eaglet grew strong wings to fly, the mother duck told the eaglet, 'You hatched with ducks but you are not a duck. You are an eagle. Eagles don't walk, they fly. So fly away to be with eagles...' The eaglet replied, 'No, I am not an eagle. I am a duck. I cannot fly.' The mother duck told the eagle, 'Yes, you are an eagle. You were hatched by a duck but you are an eagle. You can fly.' The eaglet was so afraid to try it replied, 'No, I cannot fly. I am a duck-if I try to fly, I will fall.'

"The mother duck told the eaglet, 'You are an eagle. You don't belong here. Fly and be with your own kind and you will be much happier. Try, please try. Eagles fly, they don't walk. You are an eagle. You can fly.' The eagle thought for a minute. It began to stretch and flap its wings. It bounced around a little, then it jumped up and flew. As it lifted off the ground it realized it could fly and began to soar in the air."

We all sat and listened to this emotional story. I know I wept and so did Anne. I cared about Anne so much.