Help Yourself Through Hard Times

Some years ago I had what most would call the American Dream: a thriving construction Business, a comfortable Home, two new cars and a sailboat. Moreover, I was happily married. I had it all.

Then the stock market crashed, and suddenly no one was looking at the houses I'd built. Months of murderous interest payments gobbled up my savings. I couldn't make ends meet and lay awake nights in a cold sweat. Just when I thought things couldn't get worse, my wife announced that she wanted a divorce.

With no idea what to do next, I resolved literally to "sail off into the sunset," following the coastline from Connecticut to Florida. But somewhere off New Jersey I turned due east, straight out to sea. Hours later, I climbed up on the stern rail and watched the dark Atlantic slip beneath the hull.How easy it would be to let the water take me,I thought.

Suddenly the boat plummeted between two swells, knocking me off-balance. I grabbed the rail, my feet dragging in icy brine, and just managed to haul myself back on board. Shaken, I thought,What's happening to me? I don't want to die.From that moment, I knew I had to see things through. My old life was gone. Somehow I'd have to build a new one.

Everyone, at some point, will suffer a loss -- the loss of loved ones, good health, a job. "It's your 'desert experience' -- a time of feeling barren of options, even hope," explains Patrick Del Zoppo, a psychologist and bereavement specialist with the Archdiocese of New York. "The important thing is not to allow yourself to be stranded in the desert."

So, can we actually do things to help ourselves through bad times? As I discovered, youcan take charge of your own cure. Here's how:

Let Yourself Grieve

Counselors agree that a period of grieving is critical. "There's no shame in this," says Del Zoppo. "Tears aren't a sign that you're simply feeling sorry for yourself but are an expression of sadness or emotion that must find an outlet."

And it doesn't matter if the grieving takes a while to surface, as long as it finally finds expression. Consider the case of Donna Kelb of Syracuse, N.Y. One spring day her 16-year-old son, Cliff, Jr., and 15-year-old son, Jimmy, were sanding their boat, preparing it for the season. Suddenly Donna heard a scream. Rushing outside, she found her two sons lying on the ground near the boat.

Jimmy had gone into the water and returned dripping wet. When he picked up the sander, he was electrocuted. Cliff, knocked to the ground by the current when he tried to grab the tool, recovered.

Donna was so numbed by this tragedy that she didn't cry for weeks -- not even at the funeral. Then back at work one day, she began to feel dizzy. "Finally I went Home, locked myself in my room and just wailed," she says. "It was as though this great weight was being lifted from my shoulders."

What Kelb experienced after her tragic loss was what Del Zoppo calls a "first-line defense that shields the consciousness from some extremely unpleasant reality." Kelb couldn't begin her healing process until nature had allowed her time to sort out her tragedy.

Understand Your Anger

"Anger is natural," says Del Zoppo, "but it can be released in a wholesome way." Properly understood, it can serve your recovery.

Candace Bracken's future seemed full of promise. The 25-year-old airline service coordinator had a new baby and a new job. Then one day, she began hemorrhaging uncontrollably. Acute leukemia was diagnosed, and Bracken was given two weeks to live. After the initial shock, she felt angry. "I had taken care of myself, lived a straight and narrow life," says Bracken of Miami. "Things like this weren't supposed to happen to people like me."

She reeled at the thought of her imminent death, and withdrew. "I just gave up," she says. Then a doctor told her she needed to arrange for someone to care for her daughter. "How dare you tell me to find someone else to raise my child!" Bracken snapped. At that moment, she realized that she had strong reasons to fight for her life. Her anger, formerly crippling, now sparked her. It helped see her through a harrowing, but ultimately successful, bone-marrow transplant.

Face the Challenge

Another obstacle on the road to health after a significant loss can be denial. Instead of facing what has happened to them, says Dr. Michael Aronoff, psychiatrist and a spokesperson for the American Psychiatric Association, many people "try to fill up that empty feeling looking for an escape." The man who rarely touched a drink will begin hitting the bottle. A woman who watched her weight will overeat. Others -- like me -- try literally to "run away."

After working for bosses all his life, John Jankowski of Staten Island, N.Y., had always longed to have his own options- and stock-trading firm. He finally got the start-up money and did well. Then came a downturn in Business, and before long Jankowski was in serious financial trouble.

"It was like I'd run into a brick wall and my whole life had been shattered," he says. With financial resources exhausted and the pressure of a family to support, Jankowski's thoughts turned to escape.

One morning, while on a run, he just kept going. After jogging westward for two hours, he staggered back Home. "It finally dawned on me that I couldn't run away from my troubles. The only thing that made sense was to face up to my situation," he says. "Admitting failure was the toughest part -- but I had to before I could get on with my life."

Get Out and Do!

"After a few weeks, I urge people recovering from loss to get back into a routine," says psychiatrist and Boston University professor Bessel A. van der Kolk. "It's important to force yourself to concentrate on things other than your hurt." Consider these activities:

Join a support group.Once you've made the decision to "get on with life," you'll need someone to talk to -- and the most effective kind of conversation can be with someone else who has undergone an ordeal.

Read. When you can focus after the initial shock, reading -- especially self-help books -- can offer inspiration as well as relaxation.

Keep a journal.Many find comfort in creating an ongoing record of their experiences. At best it can serve as a kind of self-therapy.

Plan events.The idea that there are things to look forward to reinforces that you are forging ahead into a fresh future. Schedule that trip you've been postponing.

Learn new skills.Take a course at a community college, or take up a new hobby or sport. You have a new life ahead; any new skill will complement it.

Reward yourself.During highly stressful times, even the simplest daily chores -- getting up, showering, fixing something to eat -- can seem daunting. Consider every accomplishment, no matter how small, a victory to be rewarded.

Exercise.Physical activity can be especially therapeutic. "Exercise gets you out of your head and your troubles," Aronoff explains, "and it allows you to experience your body with your two feet on the ground."

Be Patient With Yourself

People often ask, "When will this terrible pain stop?" Experts resist being pinned down to time frames. "Roughly, it's a minimum of six months before you even start to feel better," says Aronoff. "And it can be as long as a year, possibly two. A lot depends on disposition, the support within your environment, and if you get help and work on it."

So, be easy on yourself. Recognize that you'll need time, and that your own pace of recovery may not fit with that of others. Congratulate yourself at each step through grief: I'm still here, I've made it this far!

Sailing is a slow Business. I made it to Florida in five weeks. In attempting to "run away," I'd embarked on a trip that gave me a structure, a daily outdoor routine requiring physical exertion, and plenty of time. I was still hurting, but by the time I anchored in Miami, I was ready to try again. At what, I wasn't sure.

"Why not get back to writing -- to what you were trained for?" said my dad over the phone. He was right. And here I am now, writing to you. It feels good to be back.