Are You Someones Puppet? Four Ways People Manipulate Others

With the current interest in mental health topics, a mentalhealth language has emerged with words such asmanipulation, boundaries, limits, rescuing, dependence, andcodependence. Many people are unclear what these words meanwhen applied to relationships. I would like to bring someclarity to one of these terms - MANIPULATION - and how itrelates to the other terms mentioned above. Webster's New World Dictionary defines manipulation as:

"managing or controlling artfully or by shrewd use ofinfluence, often in an unfair or fraudulent way; to alteror falsify for one's own purpose."

In relationships, manipulation can be defined as:

any attempt to control, through coercion (overt or covert),another person's thoughts, feelings or behaviors.

From this definition, manipulation would seem to have noadvantages. However, if you are codependent and defined byothers, there can be many advantages. When you allow othersto control your thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and makedecisions for you,

-- you do not have to think for yourself;

-- you can avoid taking risks and making difficult decision;

-- you can avoid taking a stand on controversial issues;

-- you can avoid feeling responsible for negative outcomes;

-- you get to blame others when things go wrong;

-- you can believe, when others tell you how to behave, whatto think, how to feel and what to decide, that you are"being loved" because they "want what is best for you";

-- you can avoid feeling separate and alone by avoiding conflict;

-- you can avoid the hard work of emotional growth and development.

Appreciating the advantages of not being manipulated is toaccept the hard work of living and interacting with others.It is about being willing to grow and develop emotionally.These advantages can be that,

-- you learn to know who you are, what you like, what youthink, and how you feel;

-- you learn to make difficult decisions;

-- you get to take credit for your decisions;

-- you learn to handle risks and uncertainty;

-- you learn to handle differences and conflicts;

-- you get to be in control of your life and know thefreedom of personal self-reliance;

-- you get to have an increased sense of self worth byfeeling competent and capable of taking responsibility foryour life and personal Happiness.

Manipulation is usually attempted using power, unsolicitedhelping, rescuing, guilt, weakness, and/or dependence, inorder to achieve a desired outcome. For example,

1) Power - physical, verbal, intellectual intimidation orthreats, put-downs, belittling, withholding of thingsneeded or wanted. The goal is to be in a "one up, I amright and you are wrong" position;

2) Unsolicited helping/rescuing - doing things for otherswhen they do not request it, want it, or need it; helpingothers so they become indebted, obligated, and owe you. Thegoal is to be in the "after all I have done for you, andnow you owe me" position;

3) Guilt - shaming, scolding, blaming others, attempting tomake others responsible, trying to collect for past favors.The goal is to be in the "it is all your fault," or "afterall I have done for you and now you treat me like this"position;

4) Weakness/dependence - being (or threatening to become)helpless, needy, fearful, sick, depressed, incompetent,suicidal. The goal is to confuse want with need, with themessage "if you do not take care of me, something bad isgoing to happen and it will be all your fault" position.

With manipulation, there is a physical and emotionalresponse, such as a heightened level of anxiety orirritation, although it may not be perceived as such.

Manipulation feels like a struggle or contest, not freecommunication. The reason is the manipulator is alwaysinvested in the outcome of a situation.

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