Starting Over

I worked hard for the past 17 years. I felt I had to. I only finished high school. Without a certificate to flaunt and yet wanting to climb the corporate ladder, I dedicated my effort and time to my work. I was proud of myself. At 40 years old I had reached a manager's position.

The day came when I was handed the letter. Why did the company fire me? Was I not good enough?

It was a massive blow to my ego. My questions only brought back anger. I was not resourceful and I could not see any positive meaning to it.

As I thought about it longer, I became more angry and annoyed. Then the emotions turn into fear.

What can I do now? Who would employ me? At this age and with a lack of education, how could I get another job?

I was becoming an unendurable person. My relationship, which was already on the rocks suffered further.

I was no longer the person I used to be. I complained and whined. I lost the confidence in myself. I could not see myself in any other way but a "wimp".

I avoided friends and ignored and neglected my partner. There were no more constructive conversations between us. He was getting on well with her career and moving upwards.

And the more I saw him succeeding the more I felt bad about myself. I was ashamed of myself. I thought that I was not good enough for him anymore. Finally he has had it. He walked out of my life.

Not only have I lost my job. I also have lost someone whom I thought was the one for me. More resentment and self-pity came over me. I was angry with him. How could he leave me if he had loved me?

I was not only broke but also alone. I was so broke that I could not afford my own Home.

The finance company repossessed my car. I had no material things left except my clothes in my luggage and a few books.

It has to take two crisis to make me wake up to my senses. I had to change immediately. That was the only choice I had.

Losing your self-confidence is bad. Losing your self-esteem is worse. Losing your self is a disaster. Until...

I decided to change...in my thinking.

I have to meet my basic need first, food and shelter. The company I went to offered lodging so I took the job that paid only a quarter of what I used to earn.

Alone and still broke...but this time I looked at what I had left.

Change does not come easy. Recovering your self-confidence and your self-esteem is an attitude and mindset that needs discipline.

You need to develop the disciplines that can boost your trust in yourself again.

1. Admit that you have messed up.

Whatever happened, has happened to someone else too. It is how you make out of it that matters.

You either let it go and move on or wallow in self-pity. If you had taken the second option as I did, you will realize that your life would be messier than when it started.

It is not too late. Admit your mistakes, forgive yourself and move on.

2. Write down realistic goals.

When your self-esteem plummets, it is tough to see bright, colorful pictures of yourself smiling at your achievements. Set several realistic goals to start with. For a start, these were some of my goals...

i) Put on 5kg.Lost that. I was looking very thin and gaunt for my height. I need to lift my self-image.

ii) Cut smoking to 10 cigarettes a day.I can't afford more anyway

iii) Read 1 hr daily.Got to feed my mind with something positive.

iv) Take 20minutes walk in the park a day.I needed some fresh air and away from the cramp abode of mine.

v) Keep a journal.I shunned friends so at least I could use this to pour out my feelings.

vi) Record my activities.I must make full use of my time.

vii) Pray and meditate.Somehow, I know I am not alone.

I worked on them and made certain that I followed the disciplines. It felt good to strike out each activity daily.

And when the good feelings enter again, I added more