名师点评网友BEC初级作文(3)

本期作文题目：
You are a manager at an auditors called Golding & Co. Your company has just merged with a competitor to become MasonGolding. You have been asked to inform stafff of the change of name.
Write a memo of 40-50 words:
informing staff of the new name.
telling them when to start using the new name.
asking staff to use only the new name after that time.

样本 Sample writing (46 words)
TO: All staff
From: Mr. Port
I would like to inform you that, following the recent merger with Mason and Son, the new name for our company will be MasonGolding. This name becomes official on 12th, Nov.2008. Please note that from this time, the new company name only should be used.
Thank you.

网友作文一：
TO: ALL STAFF
FROM: MANAGER
SUBJECT: CHANGE THE COMPANY NAME
As you know, (our company has merged last week)[1]. We decide to change the name. [2] From July. 8th the company name changes to MasonGolding.
Please pay attention to use the new name for[3] instead when you have a meeting with client. [4]
Thank you

名师点评：
[1]这句话明显是中文的痕迹，译成中文，中国人可以理解，外国人肯定不能。
[2]既然并购就意味着要换公司的名字，怎么是we decide?在商务英语的写作中，主语一般都选择客体代词，避免应用主观性很强的句子。
[3]Instead 可以直接放在句尾，不用介词。
[4]这个范围也太有限了，难道只有和客户见面才用新名称么?整句改为：please use the new name officially from then.