成人分离焦虑症:说声再见不容易

The way we learn to respond to the threat of abandonment as young children actually changes the wiring of our brains, Dr. Shorey says. 'This is an automatic response that will trigger even if you know you should not feel this way.'
肖里博士说，我们小时学会应对遗弃威胁的方式切实地改变了我们的大脑回路。“这是一种下意识的自发反应，即使在你知道不该如此感觉时仍会触发这种反应。”

When he was a child, Mr. Sollars says, his mother left him to be raised by his grandmother, who died when he was 16. 'I started being a worrier then,' Mr. Sollars says. His separation anxiety worsened a few years ago. He has diabetes and lost his eyesight; his wife had knee surgery and a procedure to correct a throat stricture. Now, Mr. Sollars is troubled by thoughts of becoming a burden to her. To distract himself while she is away, he plans to work on a book he is writing about preventing workplace violence.
索拉斯说，当他还是个孩子时，他母亲就把他交给祖母抚养，而祖母在他16岁时去世了。索拉斯说，“然后我开始成为一个爱焦虑的人。”他的分离焦虑症在几年前进一步恶化。他有糖尿病，视力减退；他妻子做过膝盖手术，还动过纠正喉部狭窄的手术。现在，索拉斯正被自己成为妻子负担这个想法所困扰。为了在她出门时分散自己的注意力，他计划写一本书，内容是关于防止工作场所暴力的。

Rosita Alvarez, a 45-year-old artist in Spicewood, Texas, grew up as a so-called Air Force brat, moving with her family every two years. She has vivid childhood memories of writing letters to old friends and never hearing back. 'I learned at 9 that you can lose people you love,' she says. She was 36 and married for 10 years with four children younger than 10, when her husband died of a heart attack.
罗西塔•阿尔瓦雷斯（Rosita Alvarez）今年45岁，是一名艺术家，家住得克萨斯州斯派斯伍德（Spicewood）。她小时候是个所谓的“空军小孩”，每两年跟着家人搬家一次。她清晰地记得小时写信给老朋友，但从来没有回音。她说，“我在九岁时知道，你会失去你所爱的人。”当她36岁，结婚满10年时，她丈夫死于心脏病，当时她的四个孩子都还不满10岁。

She keeps voice messages from each of her children on her cellphone. 'I want to have their voice with me as long as I can, in case they die,' she says. She keeps her phone with her, day and night. When it rings, she often imagines the worst.
她的手机上存着每个孩子的语音留言。她说，“我想尽可能长地把他们的声音带在身边，万一他们死了呢。”她日夜随身带着手机。当它响起时，她总会想到最坏的情况。

A few weeks ago, her 14-year-old daughter went to boarding school. Ms. Alvarez says the anxiety she feels now is like 'a hand on the back of my body, gripping my spine.' She often worries that her daughter will simply grow distant. 'I am afraid that because she is removed from me physically, she will remove herself emotionally,' Ms. Alvarez says.
几周前，她14岁的女儿去上寄宿学校。阿尔瓦雷斯说，她现在感到的焦虑就像“一只从我背后紧紧扼住我的脊柱的手”。她经常担心女儿变得与她疏远。她说，“我担心这个，是因为她离开了我身边，我怕她在感情上也会离我而去。”

When she gets stuck in a worry loop, Ms. Alvarez makes herself stop and notice her surroundings the couch, the carpet, the breakfast dishes in the sink and tells herself that all is well. 'I remind myself that my daughter and I have a loving connection, she is in a safe environment and I can control my thoughts and choose to imagine her happy,' she says. 'This breaks the spell.'
在家里，阿尔瓦雷斯靠画画来减轻自己的焦虑。当阿尔瓦雷斯陷入焦虑循环时，她会让自己停下来，注意自己的周围──沙发、地毯、水池里的早餐碟──并告诉自己一切都好。她说，“我提醒自己，我和我的女儿感情很深，她在一个安全的环境里，我能控制自己的思绪并让自己想象她很快乐。这打破了魔咒。”

Ms. Alvarez also has anxiety when parting from her boyfriend, who lives an hour away. The two have developed a 'separation ritual' for Sunday evenings, after a weekend spent together. First, they agree in advance on the time he will leave. For their last hour or so together, they talk and relax. When it's time, they go outside together. Ms. Alvarez gives him a hug but doesn't watch him get in the car. Instead, she goes immediately back in the house with her paintings. 'I choose where I place my attention,' she says.
阿尔瓦雷斯的男友住在离她家一小时路程的地方，她与他分开时也会焦虑。经过摸索，他们两人共度周末后，会在周日晚上举行一个“分离仪式”。首先，他们提前商量好他离开的时间。在俩人待在一起的最后一小时里，他们会聊天并放松身心。到时间时，他们会一起出去。阿尔瓦雷斯给他一个拥抱，但不会看着他上车。相反，她会立即回到屋里去，屋里有很多她的画作。她说，“我会选好一个集中注意力的地方。”