婚姻生活: 夫妻之间该不该有所隐瞒?

In 47 years of marriage, there are a few things Sherri Mills hasn't told her husband, Gerald, such as what she really spends on makeup. Or how she indulges the kids.
结婚47年来，谢莉•米尔斯(Sherri Mills)有几件事没有告诉她的丈夫杰拉尔德•米尔斯(Gerald Mills)，比如她真正花在化妆上的时间，比如她有多溺爱孩子。

But these things don't compare with what Ms. Mills calls the 'one real whopper of omission' in her relationship with her husband. It involved her ex-boyfriend, Jim.
但这些事情都无法与谢莉对丈夫隐瞒的“一个惊天秘密”相比。这个秘密涉及到她的前男友吉姆(Jim)。

In the early years of her marriage, living in the small town of Helper, Utah, Ms. Mills would sometimes run into Jim and his family, with whom she had once been close. Knowing her husband was prone to be jealous and hot-tempered, Ms. Mills would try to avoid her ex-boyfriend or, if that failed, then say as little as possible to him. She knew her husband was suspicious that she might still have feelings for her old flame.
谢莉刚结婚时，住在犹他州的小镇赫尔普(Helper)。她有时会遇到吉姆和他的家人，她曾经与他们关系很亲密。谢莉知道她的丈夫容易吃醋，脾气暴躁，因此努力避免提到前男友，如果非得提不可，也尽可能地少提。她知道，丈夫怀疑她对旧情人还有感觉。

Then Ms. Mills learned that Jim's mother was seriously ill and wanted to see her. Ms. Mills went to the hospital, where the woman made a deathbed request: Would Ms. Mills speak with Jim and encourage him to sell the family-owned business (a bar, then known in Utah as a club) and strive for a more-settled life? The woman believed Jim still loved his ex-girlfriend and would listen.
后来，谢莉知道吉姆的母亲病重，想见见她。谢莉去了医院，吉姆的母亲临终前向她提出一个请求：谢莉能否与吉姆谈谈，鼓励他卖掉家族企业（一家酒吧，当时在犹他州被称为俱乐部），寻求更安定的生活？吉姆的母亲相信吉姆仍爱着这位前女友，并且会听她的劝告。

Ms. Mills decided to try to help, yet she knew she couldn't tell her husband. She made plans see Jim at his sister's house, and brought her toddler son along to make sure the ex wouldn't misunderstand. She stayed 20 minutes, then went home and didn't tell her husband about the meeting for 40 years. 'It kind of ate at me, ' says Ms. Mills . 'But I knew I did the right thing.'
谢莉决定尽力帮忙，但她知道她不能告诉丈夫。她决定在吉姆姐姐的家里与吉姆见面，并带上了自己蹒跚学步的儿子，以确保前男友不会误会。她在那儿待了20分钟，然后就回家了。40年来她都没有告诉丈夫这次见面。谢莉说：“这让我寝食难安。但我知道我做的是对的。”

If you think this evasion sounds a lot like lying, you are right. But there are other names for the seemingly harmless lies spouses and romantic partners sometimes tell each other.
如果你认为这种逃避听起来很像说谎，那么你对了。但有一些其他的词可以用来形容夫妻和情侣之间说的这种看似无害的说谎。

Hiding worries or concerns to shield your partner from something unpleasant, or even just to keep the peace? Researchers call this 'protective buffering.' Hiding something to protect yourself, such as how much you spent on your new toy? Researchers call that avoidance. Routine buffering can turn into avoidance or something worse.
掩饰自己的烦恼或担忧，不让伴侣知道会让他们不快的事，或者只是为了保持和平？研究人员称这为“保护性缓冲”。研究人员称隐瞒某件事以保护自己──例如你花多少钱买的新玩具──为逃避。经常性的缓冲可以转变为逃避，甚至更糟的情况。

Couples often wrongly assume full disclosure is always best, says Sean Horan, a professor of relational communication at DePaul University in Chicago. But even avoidance, when not excessive, can be a 'productive strategy, ' he says. Consider how you'd feel if your partner told you any or all of these:
芝加哥德保罗大学(DePaul University)的人际交流学教授肖恩•霍兰(Sean Horan)说，夫妻经常错误地认为毫无保留总是最好的。但他说，当把握好分寸时，即使逃避也可能是一个“有效的策略”。想想看，如果你的伴侣告诉你下面这些话，你会作何感想：

'I left work early for a drink with that friend you hate.'
“我提早下班是为了和你讨厌的那个朋友一起喝酒。”

'I can't stand your brother.'
“我受不了你弟弟。”

'Yes, those jeans make you look fat.'
“没错，你穿这条牛仔裤显胖。”