婚姻生活: 夫妻之间该不该有所隐瞒?

Often the more open partners are with each other, the less happy they are, says Marianne Dainton, a professor at La Salle University, in Philadelphia, whose research focuses on communication in personal relationships. In dozens of studies over the past 20 years, Dr. Dainton has found people often say sharing too much is a source of relationship dissatisfaction.
费城拉塞尔大学(La Salle University)的玛丽安娜•丹顿(Marianne Dainton)教授说，通常伴侣对彼此越坦诚，他们就越不快乐。她的研究重点是人际交流。在过去20年的几十项研究中，丹顿博士发现，人们经常说，过多地分享自己的想法是造成他们对婚姻关系不满的原因之一。

Does being open lead to dissatisfaction? Or are dissatisfied people more likely to be open? Dr. Dainton says she doesn't know.
坦诚相对会导致对婚姻关系的不满吗？还是说对婚姻关系不满的人更可能坦诚相对？丹顿博士说她无从得知。

Avoiding a topic so as to avoid a fight is often good, Dr. Dainton says. But avoiding topics like financial mismanagement or addiction isn't protective buffering. It's selfish. And as for the biggest lie of all, marital infidelity -- whether to tell or not is an important question, but not the primary one a person will need to address if unfaithful to a spouse, therapists say.
丹顿博士说，避免谈论某个问题以避免吵架通常是好的做法。但避免谈论财务管理不善或毒瘾等问题则不是保护性缓冲，而是自私。至于最大的谎言──婚姻不忠──不论说与不说都是一个重要问题，但治疗师称，对配偶不忠不是人们需要强调的最主要的问题。

Experts suggest a cost-benefit analysis. Will the information be more harmful to the relationship if disclosed up front, or discovered later? Consider disclosing if withholding gets in the way of intimacy, experts say. But if it will only hurt your partner, then don't tell.
专家建议进行成本效益分析：提前坦白还是拖后坦白对婚姻关系更有害？专家说，如果隐瞒信息会妨碍亲密度，那么就应该考虑坦诚相告。但是如果这样做只会伤害你的伴侣，那么就不要说。

It isn't necessary to mention the crush you have on your co-worker. 'Thought broadcasting is never a good thing, ' says Toni Coleman, a McLean, Va., licensed clinical social worker and relationship coach. And beware of 'putative secrets, ' the ones you only think you are keeping. Chances are you are already busted.
没有必要提及你对同事的爱慕。弗吉尼亚州麦克林(McLean)的注册临床社会工作者兼人际关系教练托尼•科尔曼(Toni Coleman)：“把脑子里想的事广而告之绝不是好主意。”还要谨防“假定秘密”，也就是你以为自己保守住了的秘密。很可能其实你已经被戳穿了。

The buffering method you choose will make a big difference: Active lying is more damaging than avoidance, research indicates.
你选择的缓冲方法很重要：研究显示，主动说谎比逃避更具破坏性。

A study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships in 2009 found 71% of people whose partners actively lied to them said it created distance. Among those whose partner kept a secret but didn't lie, only 43% said it created distance.
2009年在《社会与人际关系杂志》(Journal of Social and Personal Relationships)上发表的一篇研究论文指出，在伴侣主动对其说谎的人中，71%的人称这样做会产生距离感。而在伴侣保守秘密但不说谎的人，只有43%的人说这样做会产生距离感。

'When people overtly lie about something, they can take something innocuous and make it into a bigger problem, ' says John Caughlin, the study's lead researcher and professor of communication at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. Experts say gender isn't a factor -- both men and women withhold information.
该项研究的首席研究员、伊利诺伊大学香槟分校(University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign)的传播学教授约翰•考林(John Caughlin)说：“当人们公然对某件事撒谎时，他们会将原本并不严重的事情变成一个大问题。”专家称，性别不是决定因素──男性和女性都会隐瞒信息。

Gerald Mills, 67, a retired manufacturing-plant manager, has had his share of secrets over the years. He has hidden new hunting and fishing equipment in his truck and gone out for a drink with friends instead of doing errands. Once when his wife was away, he took their young sons out for a lobster dinner and swore them to secrecy. No need to guess how he got caught.
67岁的杰拉尔德•米尔斯退休前是一家制造工厂的经理，他多年来一直保守着他的秘密。他在卡车里藏着新买的打猎和钓鱼用具，出门是和朋友喝酒而不是去办杂事。一次趁妻子外出，他带着年幼的儿子们去吃龙虾大餐，还让他们发誓保守秘密。不用猜，他被逮住了。

Ms. Mills, who went on to write a book about her marriage, 'I Almost Divorced My Husband, But I Went on Strike Instead, ' says she never doubted her decision to keep the long-ago meeting a secret. (The ex-boyfriend was relieved to hear his mother's wishes; he thought she wanted him to keep the business going.) After the ex died about a year ago, Ms. Mills finally told her husband. 'At the time, I would have been angry and thought she was cheating on me and it would have derailed the marriage, ' Mr. Mills says. Instead, 'we went to bed happy.'
谢莉后来写了一本关于她的婚姻的书，名为《我几乎和我丈夫离婚，但最后我罢工了》(I Almost Divorced My Husband, But I Went on Strike Instead)。她说，她从未质疑过自己对很久以前与前男友见面的事守口如瓶的决定。（她的前男友听到他母亲的愿望时松了一口气，他以为母亲希望他把生意做下去。）谢莉的前男友大约一年前去世后，她最终把这事儿告诉了她丈夫。杰拉尔德说：“当时，我以为自己会生气，认为她欺骗我，这会毁掉我们的婚姻。”但事实却是相反的，“我们高高兴兴地上床睡觉去了”。