婚姻生活 少提建议

I know what you should do and here's my advice.
我知道你该怎么做，这是我给你的建议。

How many times have you heard that (and groaned)?
上面的话你已经听过多少遍了？为此抱怨过多少次了？

Advice giving, especially unsolicited, is tricky. Being on the receiving end can be annoying and make us defensive. But giving advice can be frustrating, as well, particularly when the intended beneficiary of our wisdom makes it clear it isn't welcome─or takes the same recommendations we've been giving for months from someone else. The whole advice issue is typically hardest to navigate with the person we know the best: our spouse or partner.
向别人提建议，尤其是未经他人请求便主动作出忠告是很难办的。处在接受建议的这方位置上，可能会觉得厌烦，也会致使他心存戒备。但提出建议同样令人沮丧，尤其是当预期受益人明确表示我们的想法不受欢迎时──或者对我们几个月来一直挂在嘴边的建议置之不理、转而却去采纳别人的雷同意见时，情况更是如此。与我们最了解的人──配偶或伴侣──在一起时，有关建议的这个问题通常是最难把握的。

In a series of six studies that followed 100 couples for the first seven years of marriage, researchers at the University of Iowa found that both husbands and wives feel lower marital satisfaction when they are given too much advice from a spouse, as opposed to too little. And─surprise!─unsolicited advice is the most damaging kind. The most recent study was published in 2009 in the Journal of Family Psychology.
在六项追踪100对夫妇头七年婚姻生活的一系列研究中，爱荷华大学(University of Iowa)的研究人员发现，当配偶给对方提出的建议过多而不是过少时，接受建议的那一方──不管是丈夫还是妻子──都会觉得婚姻的满意度较低。然而，令人惊讶的是，主动给别人提出建议是最具损害性的。最新的这项研究发表在2009年的《家庭心理学期刊》(Journal of Family Psychology)上。

In one study, the researchers videotaped spouses discussing a problem that one of them had─say a struggle to lose weight or quit smoking─while the other partner offered advice. They then examined the positive and negative behaviors that each person engaged in while asking for support, receiving it or providing it.
在一项研究中，工作人员用摄像机将夫妻俩讨论一方身上具有的问题──比如说努力减肥或戒烟──而另一方则就此给出建议的情形录了下来。然后，研究人员查看了这些夫妻在寻求支持、接受帮助或提供支持的时候，他们每一个人参与其中作出的积极和消极行为。

One result of the study was unexpected: How the person asking for or receiving the support behaves is more important to the health of the relationship than how the person giving the advice behaves. 'It's a vulnerable position to need support,' says Erika Lawrence, one of the lead researchers on the studies and associate professor at the University of Iowa.
该研究得的一个结果出人意料：对于男女关系的健康状况而言，一个人如何寻求或接受支持的行为比这个人如何提出建议的行为更重要。爱荷华大学副教授、该系列研究的带头人之一埃里卡•劳伦斯(Erika Lawrence)说：“在需要支持的时候，人们总处在一个很脆弱的位置。”

Another finding: When too little advice was offered in a marriage, it was the men who suffered more. Researchers believe this is because husbands often look to their wives as their primary source of encouragement, while wives lean on friends and other loved ones, in addition to their husbands.
另一个发现是：当夫妻一方给出的建议太少时，男性会比女性更受困扰。研究人员认为，这是因为丈夫常常将自己的妻子视为他们主要的动力源泉，而在妻子这一方，除了自己的丈夫以外，她们还会依赖朋友和其他所爱的人。

Men and women tend to experience different emotions when they receive advice from a partner, says Anna Ranieri, a psychologist in Palo Alto, Calif., and co-author of 'How Can I Help? What you Can (and Can't) Do to Counsel a Friend, Colleague or Family Member with a Problem.' When wives offer guidance, husbands often feel reprimanded or nagged. Yet when the advice comes from the husbands─who are more likely to give tangible, fix-it type suggestions to a problem─it is common for wives to feel that they are being condescended to or seen as incapable.
加州帕洛阿尔托市(Palo Alto)的心理学家安娜•拉涅利(Anna Ranieri)说，男人和女人在从伴侣那儿接受建议时一般会产生不同的情感。当妻子们提供指导意见时，丈夫们常常会觉得受到了训斥或遭遇了唠叨。然而当建议从丈夫──他们更易提出切实可行的、旨在解决问题的建议──口中说出时，妻子们会觉得自己被他看不起或被视为无能，这种情况很常见。拉涅利也是《我能帮上什么忙？在给遇见问题的朋友、同事或家庭成员出主意时你能做的（和不能做的）一些事》一书的合著者。

Just ask Claude and Kate Colp about the 'onion incident.' The couple, who have been married three years and live in Wayland, Mass., used to enjoy cooking dinner together after work. One day, Ms. Colp was cutting an onion for salsa, happily chatting away, when her husband grabbed the knife and told her she was doing it wrong─making slices instead of dices. He finished the chopping, explaining his technique. 'It was very harsh,' says Ms. Colp, 31, an account manager for a corporate wellness program. 'He took the knife as if I was an idiot.' Mr. Colp, 32, who recently finished his M.B.A., explains: 'I know a superior way to cut an onion. I was taught by a chef.'
只要问一问克劳德(Claude)和凯特•考尔普(Kate Colp)有关“洋葱事件”的来龙去脉，你就能明白我说的意思。这对已经结婚三年的夫妇现居马萨诸塞州韦兰市(Wayland)，他们过去常常在工作结束后便一起下厨做饭。有一天，为制作辣调味汁做准备的考尔普太太一边切着洋葱一边愉快地聊着天，这时她的丈夫抓起了那把刀，告诉他的妻子，她现在做得不对──-洋葱应该切成片儿而不是丁儿。考尔普先生一边解释着自己的刀工技艺一边完成了切洋葱的活儿。考尔普太太说：“那太严苛了。”现年31岁的考尔普太太是一项企业员工安康项目的客户经理，她说：“他夺走了那把刀，就好像我是个白痴一样。”考尔普先生则解释道：“我知道一种更好的切洋葱的方法，那可是一位大厨教给我的。”现年32岁的他刚刚完成了自己的M.B.A.学业。

Ms. Colp has annoyed her husband with advice, too. At a Mexican restaurant with three other couples Mr. Colp announced that he would never eat chicken tacos (the dish the person next to him had ordered), and then launched into a sermon about genetically modified food. After the dinner, Ms. Colp pointed out that he had bored their friends and told him he needed to remember ask people questions, not just talk about himself. Mr. Colp fumed─not speaking for the rest of the 45-minute ride home. 'I felt like I just got scolded by my mother,' he says.
考尔普太太也曾因提建议的事惹恼过她的丈夫。有一次在一家墨西哥餐厅和其他三对夫妇就餐时，考尔普先生声称自己将永远不会吃墨西哥鸡肉卷（他邻座的一个人已经点了这道菜），接着他就开始大谈特谈转基因食品。晚餐结束以后，考尔普太太指出丈夫让他们的朋友觉到无聊，并告诉他说要记得向人们发问，不要只顾自己说自己的。考尔普先生便发怒了──-在他们驾车回家剩余的45分钟里，他一句话也没说。考尔普先生称：“我觉得就像受到了我妈的训斥。”

'The things said to you by your wife have history behind them,' says Mr. Colp. 'I know she knows my faults and weaknesses.'
考尔普先生说：“你妻子对你所说的话，背后总有其缘由。我知道，她了解我的错误和缺点。”

There's the rub: Spouses often assume we are touching on their faults deliberately─so even well-meaning advice strikes them as criticism. And they get sick of us offering up the same advice over and over.
但难就难在：我们的配偶老是觉得我们是在故意触碰他们的错误──-所以即使是好心的建议也会被他们当成批评。当我们一次次提出相同的建议时，他们还会感到厌烦。

Since spouses know each other so well, they think they know exactly what the other needs to do. 'It's a mind-reading problem,' says Dr. Ranieri. 'We tend to quickstep into giving advice, leaving out the important intermediate step of finding out more about what is going on.'
由于夫妻二人是如此了解对方，所以他们觉得自己非常清楚另一半需要些什么。拉涅利说：“这是一个读心术问题。我们一般都会直接快进到提建议的那一步，而忽视漏掉了重要的中间步骤──-进一步弄清到底发生了什么。”

One way to give better advice is to first make sure your spouse actually wants your help. You can do this by asking─a novel idea!─'Would you like some ideas on that?'
给出更好建议的一个途径是先确定你的伴侣真的想要你的帮助。你可以通过发问了解这一点──-多新奇的一个主意！──-“你愿意听听我对那件事的想法吗？”

Consider what Dr. Lawrence, of the University of Iowa, calls the Platinum Rule: 'Do unto others as they would have you do unto them.' In other words, stop and listen. Sometimes listening can be even more effective than giving advice. 'If you allow someone the time to talk something through, that can help them determine what advice to give themselves,' says Dr. Ranieri.
想一想爱荷华大学劳伦斯所说的白金规则：“己所不欲，勿施于人。”换句话说，就是停下来，去倾听。有时，倾听甚至能比提建议更有效。拉涅利说：“如果你给某个人足够的时间去彻谈一些事，那将会帮助他们、让他们自己去拿主意。”

Or try telling them a story. 'This might not be appropriate for you, but what I did when I had a similar problem was…' This approach allows an exchange of information. 'The person with the problem can say, 'Thank you for the story but here is the difference for me with my situation,' ' says Dr. Ranieri. 'Then you can target your next remarks to that.'
或者试着给他们讲一个故事。“这个可能对你不适用，但当我曾经遇到类似问题的时候，我是这样做的……”这种方式会促成信息交流。“遇到问题的那个人可以说，'谢谢你的故事，但我的情况在这一点上有所不同。'”拉涅利说：“然后你就能转到下一个话题上了。”

What if you're the recipient of unwanted advice? Respond with a 'thank you,' to acknowledge the gesture. Then explain that you aren't looking for advice at this time. This allows for the possibility that down the road you may want advice.
如果你收到了一条无用的建议，该怎么办呢？回应对方一句“谢谢你”，以此来表达你的谢意。然后解释说，你目前并未在搜寻建议。这就为你今后可能需要建议时留有了余地。

Be sure to explain what would be helpful to you. Do you need someone to simply listen? Brainstorm? Bring chicken soup? Someone who loves you will be relieved to know how to be useful.
你一定要解释清楚什么样的事情将是对你有帮助的。你是仅仅需要有个人来倾听？还是需要一场头脑风暴？抑或是给你带来心灵鸡汤？关爱你的人在搞清楚如何能够帮到你后，他们才会宽心。

'We often don't know what we want, just that what they did didn't help,' says Dr. Lawrence. 'I encourage spouses to really try to think about what kinds of support they need─do they want their spouse to give advice, tangible support, just listen?'
劳伦斯说：“我们经常都不知道自己想要什么，只知道对方的所作所为根本不起作用。我鼓励伴侣们真的要好好试着想想他们需要什么类型的支持──-是想让自己的配偶提出建议，给予切实的支持，还是仅仅只需要有人倾听？”

The Colps's hard-won advice on giving advice: Outsource it. Ms. Colp now sometimes discusses what advice to give her husband with her mother, then asks her to deliver it. (This works because her mother and husband are close, she says.) And Mr. Colp recently had a friend teach his wife to wakeboard. The couple also notes that tone and timing are important. (A rule: No giving advice before dinner, when everyone's hungry.)
考尔普夫妇在提建议方面有一个得之不易的经验之谈：将这件事“外包”出去。考尔普太太现在有时就会和自己的妈妈一道讨论该向考尔普先生提出怎样的建议，然后她会要求妈妈去向自己的丈夫传达这层意思。（她说，这招之所以能够行得通，是因为她的妈妈和自己的丈夫比较亲。）而近来，考尔普先生又让自己的一位朋友教妻子进行花式滑水。这对夫妇也注意到，提建议的口气和时机也很重要。（有一条规则：不要在饭前每个人都饥肠辘辘的时候提什么建议。）

They try to offer advice only when asked. 'I stay out of the kitchen when she is cooking, and now she actually comes to me and asks if she is cutting something right,' says Mr. Colp. 'Because I am not offering unsolicited advice anymore, she is willing to accept my superior onion-slicing skills.'
他俩只有在被对方要求出出主意时才会试着提点儿建议。“在她做饭的时候，我就会远离厨房。事实上是，她现在会主动来找我，向我询问她的刀工切法是否正确。”考尔普先生说：“因为我现在不会未经她请求就主动提建议，所以她很乐意学习接受我切洋葱片的高超技巧。”