善待朋友: 怎样经营你的友谊银行

Even so, people with strong communal orientation aren't completely selfless. They do expect their friends will be there if they need them. The risk they run is they won't receive support, or they will even be exploited, by friends or loved ones with low communal orientation.
即便如此，公共取向度高的人并非就是完全无私的，他们也期望朋友能在他们需要之时出现。他们面临的风险是得不到支持，甚至被公共取向度低的朋友或亲人利用。

So what can you do if you tend to give a lot in a friendship and don't always get what you need in return? Start by rechanneling some of your giving. Volunteer for charity or help someone less fortunate. You'll enjoy the benefits of providing help and will be free of the expectation that you will receive something in return.
假如你在友情中总是付出很多，可并不是总能获得你需要的回报，你能做些什么呢？从改变你付出的途径开始吧。参与义务慈善工作或帮助更不幸的人。你会享受到帮助他人的乐趣，并且从获得他人回报的期望中摆脱出来。

When making a new friend, pay attention early on to the other person's communal orientation. Does he ask about you and actually pay attention to your answer? Is she willing to do something you suggest doing, or work around your schedule? Not everyone is capable of giving at the same level. But if you are aware of who you are dealing with, you will be less likely to have expectations that won't be met.
此外，结交新朋友时，早些注意对方的公共取向度。他会问起你并真的会注意你的回答吗？她乐意去做你提议的事情或根据你的时间安排做些变通吗？每个人能付出的程度都不同。但是，如果你了解了你打交道的对象是什么样的人，你对其期望过高的可能性就会降低。

Finally, realize that not all relationships can be fixed -- and that's OK. Ultimately, you need to decide who is worthy of your friendship. Learning to have more balanced interactions will help your future relationships.
最后，你要知道不是所有关系都能修补的，这真的没关系。归根究底，你需要明确谁值得你付出友情。学会建立更平衡的交际关系有助于你将来的人际交往。

Ms. Steinorth, who is 48 and lives in Santa Barbara, Calif., no longer speaks to her former friend. 'I thought, 'After all the little things I've done, all the times I've been there for you, I ask for just one thing and you can't do it?'' she recalls thinking. Her former friend did eventually write a nice letter of recommendation, she says, after Ms. Steinorth had her husband make the request. But by then the couple's application was no longer valid.
今年48岁、住在加州 巴巴拉的斯泰诺特不再和她以前的那位朋友说话了。她回忆起当时的想法时说：“我想，‘在我做了那么多事情，一直在你身边给你支持之后，我只是请你帮忙做一件事，你都做不了吗？’”她说，在她让丈夫提出请求后，那位朋友最终写了一封出色的推荐信，但是那时他们的申请已经失效了。

As a result of this experience, Ms. Steinorth says, she 'holds back' a little in her relationships, giving more to people who really need her assistance and can't reciprocate or even say thank you. Instead of cooking three dishes for family get-togethers, she cooks one and makes several casseroles for the homeless. And she volunteers at a Basset Hound rescue organization. She also pays close attention to a new friend's style of communal orientation.
斯泰诺特说，由于这段经历，现在她在和人交往时会稍稍有些“保留”，而对真正需要她帮助但不能报答、甚至无法说声谢谢的人给予更多的帮助。她以前会为家庭聚会做三道菜，现在只做一道，然后再为无家可归的人做几道炖菜。她还担任巴吉度犬营救组织的志愿者。现在，她也会密切注意新朋友的公共取向度。

'It's not my nature, but I don't get hurt anymore, ' says Ms. Steinorth, who has written a book about communication in friendships and other relationships. 'I let go of the expectation that everyone wants the same thing from a relationship, because they don't.'
她说：“这并非我的天性，但这样做我再也不会被伤害了。我摒弃了认为每个人都对友情有着同样期待的想法，因为他们确实不是如此。”她撰写了一本书，论述在友情和其他关系中该如何沟通。