拒绝当狼爸虎妈 如何避免冲孩子发脾气

Build a margin of spare time into daily routines to allow time for minor mishaps, such as spilled milk or lost jackets, says Jill Savage, author of 'No More Perfect Moms.' She adds, 'If I have 20 minutes to clean up after dinner, I'm more likely to handle that spilled milk well.'
《不再当完美妈妈》(No More Perfect Moms)一书作者吉尔・萨维奇(Jill Savage)说，可在每日例行安排中留出一点富余时间处理小意外，比如孩子把牛奶弄 了或者上衣弄丢。她补充称：“如果饭后我有20分钟时间进行清理，我就更有可能把牛奶弄 的事处理好。”

Learning to start sentences with 'I' rather than 'you' can help parents shift from an angry attack to a teaching moment, Ms. Faber says. 'Say what you don't like, then add what you would like or expect.'
费伯说，学会将“我”而不是“你”作为句子的开头，能够帮助父母将怒气冲冲的攻击转变为对孩子的教育。她说：“说你不喜欢看到些什么，然后补充说你喜欢或者希望看到些什么。”

Leigh Fransen felt like yelling when her daughters, 10-year-old Alona and 8-year-old Elisha, forgot to feed the family dog, Balto, on two evenings in the same week. 'This is a really important responsibility, and they're always asking me for more pets,' says Ms. Fransen, of Fort Mill, S.C. 'I wanted to yell, 'You're not getting any dinner tonight, because you didn't feed the dog, and you're going to know how it feels'-which would lead to nothing but tears and misery, and probably to me backing down.'
南卡罗来纳州米尔堡(Fort Mill)的利・弗朗桑(Leigh Fransen)的女儿阿洛纳(Alona)和伊莱沙(Elisha)一个10岁，一个8岁。有一次，她俩一周有两个晚上忘记给家里的狗巴尔托(Balto)喂食，弗朗桑很想发脾气。弗朗桑说：“这是个非常重要的责任，她们总问我要更多的宠物。我想冲她们吼：‘你们没有喂狗，今天晚上不给你们吃饭了，这样你们才知道狗是什么感觉’──但这么做只会让她们掉眼泪，让她们感到痛苦，而我很可能会心软让步。”

Instead, she started her response with 'I,' saying, 'I don't like seeing the dog not fed. Look at him: He is miserable. I expect him to be fed before you eat your own dinner,' Ms. Fransen says. Alona and Elisha needed to be reminded of the deadline twice, but soon learned to remember on their own. Ms. Fransen praised them for taking responsibility and encouraged them to see that 'Balto seems much happier now that he's getting dinner on time.'
于是她以“我”为开头来回应，她说：“我不喜欢看到狗没喂。看看他：他很可怜。我希望你们自己吃饭之前能把他喂饱。” 阿洛纳和伊莱沙后来还需要妈妈提醒两次才记得最后期限，但她们很快就能自己记得喂狗了。弗朗桑表扬她们能认真负责，并鼓励她们注意“巴尔托看起来开心多了，因为现在他能及时吃上饭了”。

Many parents blow up because they have unrealistic expectations-such as assuming a two-year-old shouldn't push parental limits, says Ms. Savage, chief executive of Hearts at Home, a Normal, Ill., noNPRofit that runs conferences on parenting issues, including discipline. 'We say to our children, 'Act your age,' and in reality, they are,' she says. Not expecting children to be perfect, or nearly so, can calm parents' frustrations, Ms. Savage says. So can seeing a child's failure as an opportunity for him to learn.
Hearts at Home的首席执行长萨维奇说，许多父母发脾气是因为他们抱有不切实际的期望──比如认为两岁的孩子不应该违反父母的规定。她说：“我们对自己的孩子说：‘别像小孩那样。’但事实上他们就是小孩子。”萨维奇说，不要期望孩子十全十美或者接近完美，这样就能平复挫败感。所以我们可以把孩子的失败视为他学习的机会。Hearts at Home是伊利诺伊州诺默尔(Normal)一家就家庭教育问题（包括管教在内）组织会议的非营利组织。

Parents can turn a meltdown into a teaching moment by involving kids in finding solutions, Ms. Faber says. She suggests waiting for a calm moment and stating the rule the child violated. Then give the child a choice about how to prevent the misbehavior from happening again. Inviting a child to suggest solutions teaches problem-solving skills.
费伯说，父母可以和孩子一起寻找解决方案，把失败变为教育孩子的机会。她建议等到情绪平静的时候陈述孩子违反的规矩，然后让孩子去选择如何防止再次犯错。邀请孩子提出解决方案能够教会他们掌握解决问题的技能。

Sara Weingot of Baltimore used the technique after her 6-year-old son misbehaved during an outing in her minivan, kicking and pushing two other kids' booster seats. She later told him she never wanted it to happen again, then listened sympathetically as he explained that he had been squeezed too tightly between two other kids' car seats.
巴尔的摩(Baltimore)的萨拉・魏因戈特(Sara Weingot)在她6岁的儿子犯错后就运用过这个技巧，当时她儿子在乘坐面包车出游时踢推其他两个孩子的儿童加高座椅。之后她对儿子说，她希望以后绝对不要再发生这种情况，然后她满怀同情地听儿子解释说他被其他两个孩子的汽车座椅挤得太紧。

Ms. Weingot gave him a choice between staying home with a babysitter next time and finding another solution. He made a list from 'get a better car' to taking turns with his siblings in more comfortable seats, an idea that worked, Ms. Weingot says.
魏因戈特让他选择下次和保姆一起待在家里还是寻找另一种解决方案。魏因戈特说，他列出了一些方案，其中包括“买一辆更好的车”，还有和兄弟姐妹轮流坐更舒服的座椅。后一种方案得到了采纳。

Apologizing can help repair a relationship after an outburst, says Ms. Barnhill, the author. She took her daughter aside in her teens and apologized for an explosive incident a few years earlier. 'I have this memory of being in your face and yelling at you. I am so sorry, sweet girl,' Ms. Barnhill says she told her.
前文提到的作者巴恩希尔说，在发脾气之后道歉有助于修复亲子关系。巴恩希尔在女儿十几岁时曾把她拉到一边，为几年前一次发脾气而道歉。巴恩希尔说，当时她告诉女儿：“我记得自己对你发火，冲你大喊大叫。我很抱歉，亲爱的。”

Her daughter Kristen Draughan, who is now 25, married and studying for a master's degree in social work, says she doesn't remember her mother yelling much when she was a child. But Ms. Draughan does recall that her mother's remorse made her burst into tears. 'It showed that she cared about my feelings,' she says.
她女儿克丽丝藤・德劳安(Kristen Draughan)现在25岁，已经结婚，在读社会工作专业硕士学位。她说她印象中小时候母亲不怎么冲她吼叫。但德劳安能够回想起她母亲的自责让她泪流满面。她说：“这说明她在乎我的感受。”