逼婚不止中国有 美国老人也盼着抱孙子

It's a natural part of growing older. People start to long for grandchildren -- and many start to pressure their adult child, in overt or subtle ways, to produce those grandchildren.
随着年纪越来越大，老人自然而然地会想要孙子孙女，很多人开始以或明或暗的方式对儿女施加压力，让他们早点生孩子。

For the current generation of would-be grandparents and their children, those desires are getting more urgent -- and the pressure is getting a lot more intense.
对于目前这一代想抱孙子的老人及其儿女来说，这种渴望变得越来越迫切——压力也越来越大。

It comes down to simple arithmetic. More individuals are waiting until their 30s and beyond to have their first child. Perhaps they want to get their finances or career in order first, find the right partner or take on other big projects like an advanced degree or world travel.
其实就是简单的算术问题。越来越多的人都等到30岁甚至30岁以上才要第一个孩子。也许他们想先把财务问题或者事业搞定，先找到合适的伴侣或者完成其他大事，比如念个高级学位或者环球旅行。

Whatever the reason, the result is that their parents have to wait longer for their first grandchild -- perhaps to age 70 instead of age 60. They have to worry about whether they will be healthy enough to help out and enjoy the time they have with their grandchildren. Or if they'll be alive at all.
无论是何种原因，结果都是他们的父母必须等待更长的时间才能抱上孙子——也许要等到70岁而不是60岁。他们得担心到时候自己身体是否足够健康，是否能帮上忙并享受和孙子孙女在一起的时光。或者担心自己是否还活着。

The shift is 'ringing alarm bells,' says Mary Jane Horton, 62 years old, a writer, editor and blogger who lives in Pasadena, Calif., and is hoping for grandchildren sooner rather than later. 'We know intellectually that we have to wait, but we don't want to,' adds Ms. Horton, who likens the feeling to that of a 'biological clock' for grandparents.
62岁的玛丽·简·霍顿(Mary Jane Horton)是加州帕萨迪纳(Pasadena)的一名作家、编辑及博主。她希望能尽快抱上孙子。她说年龄“正在敲响警钟”。她说：“在理智上我们知道必须得等，但我们不想等。”她把这种感觉比喻成祖父母的“生物钟”。

Experts say the trend toward older grandparenthood may also change aspects of the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren. The benefits of growing up with grandparents are well documented: Aside from serving as an extra source of child care and economic support, grandparents often 'form an alternative attachment to the child that can be very important to the child's development,' says Merril Silverstein, a professor of sociology at Syracuse University who focuses on aging.
专家说，当上祖父母的时间越来越晚这种趋势可能还会改变祖孙关系的方方面面。雪城大学(Syracuse University)专注老年研究的社会学教授梅里尔·西尔弗斯坦(Merril Silverstein)说，孩子跟着祖父母长大有很多好处：除了在照顾孩子和经济上能够予以支持，祖父母通常会“对孩子形成另外一种对儿童发展非常重要的依恋情感”。

But while older grandparents typically make greater financial contributions to their grandchildren, they often provide less in the way of child care and are 'less likely to interact and recreate' with them on a daily basis, Prof. Silverstein says. True, longevity gains give them 'more opportunities to engage,' he says. But for some, poor health can get in the way.
然而，西尔弗斯坦教授说，尽管年纪较大的祖父母一般会为孙辈提供更多经济上的支持，但在照顾孩子方面的帮助没那么多，而且不大可能做到“每天和孩子互动和玩耍”。他说，不可否认，长寿会让老人有“更多的机会和孩子接触”。但对有些人来说，健康问题会成为障碍。

And there's no denying the math: Older grandparents have fewer years with their grandchildren.
另外还有一个不可否认的事实：年纪越大，能和孙辈在一起的时间就会越短。

Interviews with dozens of couples, would-be grandparents and educators across the country make it clear that much of this is difficult to resolve. Talking, of course, helps -- about expectations, timetables, fears. Some would-be grandparents are finding other outlets, like volunteer work, for their frustrations. Still others are offering to pay for fertility treatments and child care -- just to ensure the possibility of grandchildren.
通过对全美数十位包括夫妻、想抱孙子的老人以及教育工作者在内的人士进行采访，我们发现这个问题很难解决。把自己的期望、时间表和担忧讲出来当然会有所帮助。有些想抱孙子的老人在为自己的沮丧心情找其他出口，比如志愿者工作。也有人提出为儿女的生育治疗以及照顾孩子出钱——只是为了确保有抱上孙子的可能。

But more often than not, the two generations end up reaching an uncomfortable truce, one where adult children invariably hold an edge. 'You want to tell them to hurry up, but they aren't working on your schedule,' says Mary Ellen Strote, 72, a part-time editor in Calabasas, Calif., who recently became a first-time grandmother.
但两代人最后往往会达成某种双方都觉得不舒服的休战协定，而且儿女总是占上风。72岁的玛丽·艾伦·斯特罗特(Mary Ellen Strote)是加州卡拉巴萨斯(Calabasas)的一名兼职编辑，最近刚刚抱上了第一个孙子。她说：“你想告诉他们要抓紧，但他们并不按你的计划行事。”

Economics tells a big part of the story. In response to the recession, the U.S. fertility rate between 2007 and 2012 plunged to an all-time low, as women of all ages -- except for those 35 and older -- put off childbearing or opted against having children. Combined with longer-term cultural shifts, including greater educational and workplace opportunities for women, this has caused the proportion of first births to women ages 35 and older to rise to nearly one in 12 today from one in 100 in 1970. (Overall, nearly one in seven children is now born to women in that age group.)
经济学能说明很大问题。由于经济萧条，2007年和2012年间美国的生育率跌至历史最低，因为35岁以下的女性都在推迟生育或者选择不生孩子。加上包括女性教育和工作机会增多在内的更长期的文化转变因素，导致现在35岁及以上女性首次生育的比例从1970年的1:100增至1:12。（总体来看，目前近七分之一的儿童均由35岁及以上女性生育。）

At the same time, the percentage of women ages 40 to 44 who have never given birth has nearly doubled to 18%, according to the Pew Research Center.
与此同时，据皮尤研究中心(Pew Research Center)统计，40至44岁从未生育的女性比例已经增长近一倍，达到18%。

Amid the procrastination, the average age at which Americans first become grandparents is on the rise, as well. Consider: The proportion of women ages 60 to 64 with no grandchildren is expected to reach 25% by 2020, up from 10% in the 1990s, according to Peter Uhlenberg, a sociology professor at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill.
Jared Strote图为72岁的玛丽•艾伦•斯特罗特(Mary Ellen Strote)和她的两个孙女。她说，巨大的年龄差距让“一切都变得更紧张了”。由于生育推迟，美国老人抱上第一个孙子的平均年龄也在增大。北卡罗来纳大学教堂山分校(University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill)社会学教授彼得·乌伦贝格(Peter Uhlenberg)表示，60至64岁没有孙子孙女的女性比例将于2020年达到25%，而1990年代仅为10%。

In the end, the delays shortchange both grandparent and grandchild -- at least according to older adults. That's because, once a grandchild finally arrives, there is less time to develop close ties. And time that is spent together invariably feels rushed -- even frantic.
总的来说，推迟生育对祖孙两辈都不公平——至少老人们是这样认为的。这是因为，等孙子终于出生以后，培养亲密关系的时间变少了。祖孙在一起的时候难免会感觉时间紧迫——甚至慌乱。

'We feel pressure to compress the years we would have had with them into a shorter period,' says Marsha Winer, 77. The Palos Verdes Estates, Calif., resident and her husband, Nate, 78, became first-time grandparents two years ago when their son Dan, now 50, and his wife, Stephanie, adopted two children. Today, the Winers try to pack as many grandparenting moments as possible into their visits with Caleb, 3, and David, 2: visits to the zoo and aquarium, baking cookies, shooting baskets on a minihoop.
77岁的玛莎·瓦内(Marsha Winer)和78岁的丈夫内特(Nate)住在加州帕洛斯弗迪斯庄园(Palos Verdes Estates)，他们在两年前有了孙子，当时他们50岁的儿子丹(Dan)和妻子斯蒂芬妮(Stephanie)领养了两个孩子：凯莱布(Caleb)和大卫(David)，目前分别是三岁和两岁。玛莎说：“要把我们和两个孩子在一起的时间压缩得更短，我们感到有压力。”如今，瓦内夫妇每次去看凯莱布和大卫的时候都尽量尽到做爷爷奶奶的责任：带他们去动物园和水族馆，做曲奇饼干，玩迷你篮筐投球。

'The boys are so much fun to be with -- it really has changed our lives,' Ms. Winer says. Still, she adds, 'We both wish [this] had happened 10 to 15 years ago.'
玛莎说：“和孩子们在一起太好玩了——彻底改变了我们的生活。”不过，她补充说：“我们都希望10到15年前就能这样。”

Ms. Strote, the 72-year-old editor in California, says the age gap between herself and her grandchildren -- Maisy, 4, and Penelope, almost 2 -- makes 'everything a little more intense.'
加州72岁的编辑斯特罗特说，她和两个孙女的年龄差让“所有的一切都变得更紧张了”。两个孙女分别叫梅西(Maisy)和佩内洛普(Penelope)，梅西四岁，佩内洛普快两岁了。

Ms. Strote, who goes to the gym regularly, has no trouble taking long walks, rolling down hills and playing on the ground with her granddaughters. But she also knows she may not be able to do that for long. 'There is more awareness on my part that I am not going to play as large of a role in their lives as my grandparents played in my life,' she says. 'Chances are, they won't have the same vivid memories of me as an active person who is involved in their lives as I had of my grandmother and my children had of their grandmother.'
由于经常去健身房，斯特罗特和孙女一起长时间走路、从山坡往下滚、在游乐场玩耍都没有问题。但她也知道能做到这些的时间没多少了。她说：“我越来越意识到，我不会像我爷爷奶奶对我生活的影响一样在我孙女的生活中起到那么重要的作用了。她们很可能不像我对我的奶奶以及我的孩子对他们的奶奶那样，对我有那么鲜活的记忆了。”

Beryl Porter, 73, of Mancos, Colo., shares some of those fears. 'Selfishly, I am worried that I am not going to see that baby when they decide to have it,' Ms. Porter says of her son and his wife. Her concerns became exacerbated last year, when her husband Wil, 78, had a heart attack and a quadruple bypass.
来自科罗拉多州曼科斯(Mancos)的73岁老人贝丽尔·波特(Beryl Porter)也有同样的担忧。贝丽尔说：“私下里我会担心，我恐怕等不到他们决定要孩子的那一天了。”她的担忧去年更严重了，因为78岁的老伴威尔(Will)心脏病发作，做了心脏搭桥手术。

'We are both very active, but things can change quickly at this age,' Ms. Porter says.
贝丽尔说：“我们身体都很好，但是到了这个年龄，一切都难以预料。”

Her son Trent Porter says he and his wife, Savannah, have tried to be 'pretty honest and direct' with their parents about their plans for starting a family. In addition to developing his Denver financial-planning business, Mr. Porter, 34, says his wife, 29, is halfway through a three-year program to become a physician assistant. The two, who were married in August, also want to take time to travel to India and Nepal. Children are at least three years off.
她的儿子特伦特·波特(Trent Porter)说，关于要孩子的计划，他和妻子萨万娜(Savannah)对父母已经尽量“诚实和直接”了。特伦特和萨万娜去年八月结婚，今年分别是34岁和29岁。特伦特说，他在发展自己在丹佛的财务规划生意，妻子为了成为医师助理正在参加一个为期三年的项目。他们还想抽时间去印度和尼泊尔旅行。要孩子至少是三年后的事情了。

Still, 'the message from our parents is, 'There is never a perfect time to have children. You just need to make it happen,'' Mr. Porter says. 'There is this underlying tone from the parents of, 'Well, your priorities are out of whack.''
特伦特说，不过，“父母给出的信息是，‘要孩子永远没有什么完美的时间。行动起来就行了。’父母有一种暗含的论调是，‘你的优先次序排得不对。’”

For her part, Beryl Porter says she understands that waiting to have children often makes economic sense. But she worries about the assumption that 'a profession is more important' than family and says that waiting can backfire if it leads to fertility problems or inertia. 'Sometimes when we get into a comfort zone, it becomes easier to stay in our comfort zone.'
在贝丽尔方面，她说她知道晚点要孩子通常在经济上来说是比较合理的。但她对“事业比家庭重要”的想法感到担心，并表示如果导致生育问题或者惰性，等待就会导致适得其反的后果。她说：“有时我们会进入一个舒适区，待在舒适区会变得更容易。”

Kathryn Hill, 55, Savannah Porter's mother and a hospice nurse in Canon City, Colo., says she takes pains not to pressure her daughter and son-in-law. But she, too, has concerns about the delay. 'With the type of work I do, I see how health can change at a moment's notice,' she says.
萨万娜·波特的母亲、55岁的凯瑟琳·希尔(Kathryn Hill)说，她尽力不对女儿和女婿施加压力。但她也对推迟要孩子有顾虑。在科罗拉多州卡农城(Canon City)从事临终护理工作的希尔说：“由于我的工作性质，我知道一个人的身体状况瞬间会发生何种变化。”