逼婚不止中国有 美国老人也盼着抱孙子

'Savannah says she wants to wait until she gets out of school and then take a year off before she even thinks about babies,' she says. 'Sometimes I think, 'Well, you can always get an education but you can't always have children.''
她说：“萨万娜说她想等到毕业以后，然后再休息一年再想孩子的事。有时候我会想，‘读书随时都可以，但生孩子可不是’。”

Ms. Hill also raises what might be called the ugly-duckling issue. Older adults who are waiting -- and waiting -- for grandchildren frequently find themselves on the social sidelines, watching veteran grandparents happily head off to soccer games and school events. 'All of my friends and sisters have grandchildren,' she says. 'I kind of feel, not like an outcast, but that I can't relate to them when we get together.' Having grandchildren, she adds, would 'make me feel like I am growing' as a person.
希尔还提出了所谓“丑小鸭”的问题。盼着抱孙子的老人常会发现自己处于社交边缘地带，眼看着早就当上爷爷奶奶的人幸福地去观看足球赛和学校活动。她说：“我所有的朋友和姐妹都有孙子。我觉得自己倒并不是说被遗弃了，但是和他们在一起的时候没有共同语言。”她说，有孙子会“让我觉得自己作为一个人在成长”。

Some of the toughest times are holidays, says Atlanta resident Martha Tate, 68, an author and gardening blogger whose first grandchild is due to arrive later this year. 'You get Christmas cards with all the grandchildren lined up -- and you're still sending a card with your two grown girls and a dog,' she says. Ms. Tate adds that she has been hesitant to talk with her daughters, ages 37 and 30, about grandchildren, worrying that she might appear selfish. But thoughts about when the day might come occupied her mind 'more than I would ever let on,' she says.
68岁的玛莎·塔特(Martha Tate)是亚特兰大的一名作家及园艺博主，她的第一个孙子将于今年晚些时候出世。她说，最难熬的是节假日。她说：“应该是所有的孙子孙女排着队给你 诞贺卡——而事实是你仍然和两个成年的女儿和一只狗在互送贺卡。”塔特的两个女儿分别是37岁和30岁。她说，她一直在犹豫要不要跟两个女儿讨论抱外孙的事，她担心自己会显得太自私。但她说，她总在想这天什么时候会来，这种想法总是挥之不去。

Her older daughter, Anne Tate Pearce, says she felt she 'had permission to take my time' because Ms. Tate herself waited until she found the right person to marry. 'It's a joy to now be able to share the excitement of expecting a baby with my mother and sister.'
Brooks LaGree III在等待孙子出生的同时，芭芭拉•拉格雷和布鲁克斯•拉格雷夫妇(Barbara and Brooks LaGree)试图把遗愿清单上的事一件件完成，包括去加拿大落基山脉(Canadian Rockies)旅行。她的大女儿安妮·塔特·皮尔斯(Anne Tate Pearce)说，她觉得“自己得到了从容不迫的许可”，因为母亲一直等到她找到了合适的人结婚。她说：“我很高兴现在能和母亲以及妹妹分享怀孕的激动心情。”

Her sister, Laura Tate, says, 'I know my mother likes kids. But she never pressured us about liking a particular boyfriend we had. She doesn't express an opinion one way or another.'
她的妹妹劳拉·塔特(Laura Tate)说：“我知道妈妈喜欢孩子。但她从来没有强迫我们喜欢某个男友。她并不会以这样或那样的方式表达看法。”

Should older adults mention the 'G' word to their children? Amy Johnson, a life coach and psychologist in Canton, Mich., who works mainly with professional women in their late 30s and early 40s, says conversations can help -- but cautions wannabe grandparents about the risks. While most of her clients don't like it when their parents bring up the topic of grandchildren, it can sometimes cause tension when they don't.
老人应不应该跟孩子提抱孙子的事？艾米·约翰逊(Amy Johnson)是密歇根州坎顿市(Canton)的一名生活教练及心理医生，她主要辅导那些30岁末、40岁初的职业女性。她说，聊一聊会有帮助——但她提醒想抱孙子的老人，这样做是有风险的。尽管她的大多数客户都不喜欢父母提出有关孙子的问题，但如果不提的话有时会造成关系紧张。

'For most of the women I work with, either their parents are wondering and pressuring them in subtle or overt ways,' she says. 'Or, in some cases, their parents don't ask questions, probably because they feel it is none of their business.' Some women conclude their parents don't care about grandchildren or have no faith in their ability to be a good parent, Ms. Johnson adds.
她说：“对于我辅导的大多数女性，要么她们的父母都在想办法以或明或暗的方式给她们施压，要么有的父母不会问问题，可能是因为他们觉得这跟自己无关。”她说，有些女性会推断自己的父母对抱孙子不在乎，或者不相信她们能做好母亲。

Her advice to grandparents-in-waiting: Go ahead and ask your adult children questions, like 'Do you want children?' and 'What is your expected timetable?' But don't push your own agenda. 'A lot of parents are pretty blunt. They say things like, 'I am getting older. When is this going to happen? I want to be able to enjoy those grandkids,'' Ms. Johnson says. But to adult children, she adds, that can feel like their parents are saying, ''I'm going to die soon, and this is my dying wish.' It becomes a huge source of pressure.'
她给等着抱孙子的老人的建议是：大胆地向儿女提出问题，比如“你们想要孩子吗？”以及“你们预计的时间表是什么时候？”但是不要把自己的想法强加给他们。约翰逊说：“很多老人都相当直接。他们会说，‘我年纪大了。什么时候才能抱上孙子呢？我希望能享受和孙子们在一起的时光。’”她说，“但是对于儿女们来说，他们会觉得父母是在说，‘我快不久于人世了，这是我的临终遗愿。’。这样会给儿女带来巨大压力。”

Georgia Witkin, a psychologist at RMA of New York LLP, a fertility clinic in New York, recommends that wannabe grandparents find other outlets for their frustrations. To that end, Mary Jane Horton -- the 62-year-old writer -- serves as a court-appointed advocate for a foster child, age 12.
纽约生育诊所RMA of New York LLP的心理医师乔治亚·维特金(Georgia Witkin)建议想抱孙子的老人为自己的低落心情寻找其他出口。62岁的作家玛丽·简·霍顿就为一个12岁的领养孩子担任法庭指定的代理人。霍顿说：“她不是小婴儿了，但我还是得像照顾孙子一样花些精力。”她的职责包括和女孩的治疗师、社工和医生谈话，代表女孩参加法庭听证会。此外，她说：“我每个月要去看她两三次。我带她去看电影，我是她生活中靠得住的那个人。”

'She's not a baby, but it still takes some of that energy that I want to put into a grandchild and devotes it to a child,' Ms. Horton says. Among other duties, she speaks to the girl's therapist, social worker and doctor and goes to court hearings on her behalf. Beyond that, she says, 'I see her two or three times a month. I take her to the movies. I am the one steady person she has had in her life.'
新墨西哥州阿尔伯克基(Albuquerque)的64岁老人芭芭拉·拉格雷(Barbara LaGree)说，她的建议是“过自己的生活，不要把希望寄托在不一定会发生的事情上”。因此，她说，在等待儿子（37岁）和女儿（34岁）生孩子的同时，她和70岁的老伴布鲁克斯(Brooks)“试图把遗愿清单上的事一件件完成”。这其中包括今年夏天去加拿大落基山脉(Canadian Rockies)的班夫(Banff)旅游，以及明年去新西兰。

Barbara LaGree, 64, of Albuquerque, N.M., says her advice is to 'live your life and not wait on something that may or may not happen.' As such, she and her 70-year-old husband, Brooks -- while waiting for their son (37) and daughter (34) to have children -- are 'trying to do everything on our bucket list,' she says. That includes travel to Banff in the Canadian Rockies this summer and to New Zealand next year.
她说：“但愿有了孙子以后，我们的孩子会需要我们帮忙。我们想在孩子出生的时候能有时间帮他们，我相信迟早会抱上孙子的。”

'Hopefully, when we have grandchildren our kids will probably need us to help them,' she says. 'We want to be available to them when it happens, and I'm sure it will.'
在辅助生育技术发达的时代，有些想要孙子的老人不单单会和儿女讨论要孙子的事情。生育诊所的数据显示，越来越多的老人开始帮助儿女支付治疗费用。

In an age of assisted reproductive technology, some grandparents-in-waiting are doing more than merely talking about grandchildren. Fertility clinics report that a growing number are helping adult children pay for treatments.
纽约RMA生育诊所的维特金博士说，来RMA做卵子冷冻的女性中约有三分之一都是跟父母一起来的，很多父母都承担了全部或部分费用。（费用一般在一万美元到1.5万美元之间，不包括药物和储存费用。）

Dr. Witkin of New York's RMA fertility clinic says about one-third of the women who undergo the egg-freezing procedure at RMA come in with their parents, many of whom fully or partially underwrite the cost. (That figure typically ranges from $10,000 to $15,000, not including bills for medication and storage.)
马萨诸塞州牛顿市(Newton)的财务规划师苏珊·卡普兰(Susan Kaplan)去年花了三万美元，为37岁的女儿黛安娜·卡普兰(Susan Kaplan)冷冻卵子。苏珊说：“她不再觉得有必要给自己施加压力，不会逼自己必须及时找到白马王子。”尽管如此，她说做父母的应该谨慎考虑这样做对自己储蓄金的影响。她的有些客户会导致自己的退休金面临风险，因为最后发现“帮助孩子支付冷冻卵子的费用只是第一步”。

Susan Kaplan, a financial planner in Newton, Mass., spent $30,000 last year so her daughter Diane Kaplan, 37, could freeze her eggs. 'She no longer feels she has to put the pressure on herself to find Prince Charming in a timely way,' says Ms. Kaplan. Nonetheless, Ms. Kaplan says parents should carefully consider the impact on their own nest eggs. Some of her clients have put their own retirements at risk because 'helping to pay to freeze the eggs' proved to be 'only step one.'
苏珊说，尤其当冷冻卵子导致女性成为单亲母亲时，“好像有了这么一个不成文的契约：‘我们同在一条战线上’。”她看到有老人承担了女儿们付不起的额外费用，比如宿营和特殊学校的费用。

Especially when egg-freezing enables women to become single parents, 'somehow the unwritten contract becomes that 'We're all in this together,'' says Ms. Kaplan, who sees grandparents underwriting extras, like camps and special schools, that their daughters can't afford.
有些老人以及他们的儿女说，他们能做的顶多是承认这种情形中的讽刺意味，或者应该一笑置之。随着越来越多的女性进入职场，现在盼着抱孙子的女性老人中，自己当初推迟要孩子的也不在少数。

Some would-be grandparents and their adult children say the best they can do is recognize -- and perhaps laugh about -- the irony in the situation. No small number of today's would-be grandmothers delayed having children themselves as women started entering the workforce in greater numbers.
现在她们的女儿也做出同样的决定，但其中的逻辑并不一定像30多年前那样合情合理了。69岁的爱丽丝·沃特斯(Alice Waters)是一名烹饪书作家以及加州伯克利(Berkeley)知名餐厅Chez Panisse的老板。她说，她在60岁出头的时候就有想要外孙的想法了。对沃特斯来说，那种感觉“突然就来了，就像自己快40岁时想要孩子的那种感觉一样”。

Now that their adult daughters are making the same decision, the logic doesn't always seem as sound as it did 30-plus years ago. Alice Waters, 69, says she began to feel a desire for grandchildren in her early 60s. For Ms. Waters -- a cookbook author and owner of Chez Panisse, the renowned Berkeley, Calif., restaurant -- the feeling 'just kind of kicked in, just the way wanting a child did' when she was in her late 30s.
但是，虽然沃特斯的独女、30岁的范妮·辛格(Fanny Singer)说她乐意要孩子，但她和母亲都承认，辛格还没有做好当母亲的准备。辛格最近刚获得剑桥大学(University of Cambridge)艺术历史博士学位，目前和男友萨姆·索恩(Sam Thorne)住在一起。索恩最近刚被任命为英格兰康沃尔(Cornwall)Tate St. Ives博物馆的艺术总监。两人打算结婚，但目前都在专注于发展成为艺术历史学家、作家和策展人的事业。

But while Ms. Waters's only child, Fanny Singer, 30, says she likes the idea of having children, both she and her mother acknowledge that Ms. Singer isn't ready to become a parent yet. Ms. Singer, who recently received a Ph.D. in art history from the University of Cambridge, lives with her partner, Sam Thorne, the recently appointed artistic director at the Tate St. Ives museum in Cornwall, England. While the couple intends to get married, both are currently focused on building their careers as art historians, writers and curators.
辛格说，她的母亲偶尔会开开玩笑，比如“什么时候生孩子都好”，“如果你有了孩子，工作太忙，可以让我带”之类。

Ms. Singer says her mother occasionally makes teasing remarks like, 'Anytime is a good time,' and 'If you have a child and you're too busy, you can just drop it off with me.'
对此，辛格的回应是：“我总是温柔地提醒她，如果她想早点抱外孙，当初就应该早点生我。”