科学也能教你如何"快乐厮守到老"

So if you can't change them and they won't change you, how can you reduce the bad stuff?
如果你们不能彼此改变，又怎样减少争论呢？

You can't. But you don't need to.
答案是没法减少争论。因为你根本不需要这样做。

The best relationships are more about increasing the good than reducing the bad.
最棒的婚姻是多去创造美好的事，而不是试着解决争论。

Divorce may have less to do with an increase in conflict and more to do with a decrease in positive feelings.
离婚跟相互间争执的增多没太大关系，但却与减少积极的情感关系密切。

Shelly Gable, professor of psychology at the University of California at Santa Barbara, has demonstrated that how you celebrate is more predictive of strong relations than how you fight.
圣巴巴拉市加利福尼亚大学的心理学教授谢莉·盖布尔（Shelly Gable）对此发表了自己的看法：庆祝比吵架更有助于加强两人的感情。

Okay, so you need to increase the good times. What's the best way to do that?
好了，你需要多去做些美好的事情。那么要怎样做才好呢？

(This part is exciting. I mean, literally.)
（这部分令人兴奋）

Forget romance. Think excitement.
别再想什么浪漫了，想象兴奋的事情。

Think a pleasant date night is all it takes to keep love alive?
一个美好的约会夜晚是否就能让爱保持鲜活呢？

Researchers did a 10 week study comparing couples that engaged in "pleasant" activities vs "exciting" activities. Pleasant lost.
研究人员进行了10周的研究以对比“美好的”约会和“兴奋的”约会，“美好”没能战胜“兴奋”。

Those who had undertaken the "exciting" date nights showed a significantly greater increase in marital satisfaction than the "pleasant" date night group…
相比之下，经历过“令人兴奋的”约会之夜的人对夫妻关系表现出了更大的满意度。

Why would doing anything exciting have such a big effect on a relationship?
为什么“保持兴奋”会对恋爱关系产生如此大的影响呢？

Because we're lousy about realizing where our feelings are coming from.
因为我们并不善于寻找兴奋感的来源。

Excitement from any source will be associated with the person you're with, even if they're not the cause of it.
即使兴奋感并非由我们的伴侣引起，我们也会这样认为。

As happiness researcher Sonja Lyubomirsky explains, excitement experienced mutually brings the tingles back.
正如幸福感研究院索尼娅·柳波米尔斯基（Sonja Lyubomirsky）所说，共同感觉到的兴奋会让爱人们找回恋爱的感觉。

Whether the couples were only dating or long-married, the ones who did the shared novel activity were more likely than the ones who did the shared neutral activity to agree to statements like "I feel happy when I am doing something to make my partner happy" and "I feel 'tingling' and 'an increased heartbeat' when I think of my partner" after the activity than before.
不论是正在约会还是结婚多年的情侣，那些一起做新奇的事情的情侣比那些做平淡的事情的情侣更认同这样的说法：“当我做一些让对方快乐的事时，我也感到很快乐”以及“我想到对方时会感到‘悸动’，‘心跳加快’”。

So no boring, lame date nights. Go do something exciting. Go dancing together or anything else you can both participate in as a couple.
所以别让约会变得枯燥乏味。去做一些刺激的事情。一起跳舞或者任何你们可以作为情侣共同参与的事。

Sum up
总结

Keeping love alive can be tricky. You need to actively work at it and it's more important to increase the good then to reduce the bad.
让爱保持新鲜也是需要花心思的。你需要积极地去应对，而且比起消除缺陷，创造美好更为重要。

And the best way to do that is by increasing excitement.
最好的方式就是增加兴奋感。

So you're hopping on roller coasters and going white water rafting — but what do you need to do when you're there?
所以你在想过山车或者去坐冰筏子——但你到了那之后需要做什么呢？

Pretend you're on your first date.
假装自己正在进行第一次约会。

Studies show pretending time with a romantic partner was a first date makes it more enjoyable for you and for your partner:
研究显示，无论是对你还是你的伴侣来说，同一个浪漫的人共度时光都是一种享受。

Across a series of studies, participants underestimated how good they would feel in situations that required them to put their best face forward… participants who were instructed to engage in self-presentation felt happier after interacting with their romantic partner than participants who were not given this instruction…
一系列研究表明，参与者们低估了自我展示能给自己带来的快乐。展现自己最好的一面并与浪漫伴侣互动的参与者比缺少自我展示的参与者更快乐。

Why? On first dates we make an effort to impress. And we're full of hope.
为什么？因为如果第一次约会就印象深刻，人们就会对此充满希望。

Love means being a little delusional (Some researchers even think love might qualify as a mental illness.)
爱需要一些妄想（一些研究人员甚至认为爱也许是一种精神疾病）。

Thinking your partner is better than they really are makes for longer, better relationships.
相信你的伴侣比实际上更好有助于让你们的关系更长久。更美好。

Sandra Murray and her colleagues have been studying romantic relationships now for several decades, and have found that idealising one's partner is a sure recipe for marital success; moreover, the higher one's ideals are and the more one idealises one's partner, the more satisfied one is with the relationship – and the longer it is likely to last.
桑德拉·莫里（Sandra Murray）和他的同事已对婚姻问题研究了数年，发现将伴侣理想化的确是经营一个成功婚姻的良方。此外，一个人心目中的理想情人越完美，就越是会将伴侣理想化，对自己的感情也会感到越满意——持续的时间也就越长。

Letting yourself be a little crazy — crazy for your partner — pays off.
让自己疯狂一下——为你的另一半——会有回报的。