Made by Hand

This I Believe. Bread, as we know, is considered the stuff of life. And just as eating bread nourishes our bodies. Making bread nourishes our relationships. That’s the point of view of Mary Mrugalski, A freelance reporter in Chicago.

She joined me on stage in December for a special event that featured several people who'd written essays for our series——This I Believe. For Mrugalski, making bread is a means of strengthening her family.

I believe in baking hearty, healthy, whole wheat bread. Preferably with someone I love for someone I love. The first time I made whole wheat bread, I was 21 years old, pregnant and unmarried. My boyfriend and I were trying different things back then, baking bread was part of the process. After growing up on Brownie and wheat bread, we wanted more. More substance to our bread and our lives. We were changing the world and relationships, who needed marriage? Make love not war. When the father of my child said we were soul mates. I believed him. I even thought that i knew the exact moment we conceived. Then I told him I was gaining weight for a reason, and he panicked. He pleaded with me to take care of our problem. I was confused. I thought we were soul mates. I thought this was meant to be. But it was a problem for him. He disappeared and I made bread.

Making bread healed my pain. It felt healthy and honest and pure. whole wheat not white. It had substances and character. The dough felt sticky at first, like our problem. But the more I worked with it, the better it felt. And the better I felt about what have become my problem. Of course, my problem is no problem at all. My child was a gift. He’s flying away, dandelion here and never quite knew which direction to grow in. He taught me to roller-skating. And I taught him to ride a bike. And he taught me to play pinball. And I taught him to make bread. I made the big loaf and he made the little one. Hey, let’s swallow the cinnamon and sugar or cheese, he’d say. And we did. The bread bound us together and fill the emptiness that’s snuck in that no one was looking. Bread baking became a tradition with both of my children. We would always bake bread when it rained outside or felt like a storm inside our family. We've been busy lately helping my daughter heal from a long illness. Life has been about driving to doctors and classes and working and cleaning and laundry and irons and struggling in searching for balance.

And one day, when I panicked about trying to get everything has done in a weekend. The bread of my past returned. I opened up the jar of whole-wheat flower. And once again, began to heal. As I needed and pushed and shaped that dough, I began to unwind. I prayed silently to heal the person who would receive the bread. The sticky dough became tender inside my hands. Time, began to expand, and the day felt luxuriously long. No more panicking, the baking bread smelled like comfort and safety. I made the big loaf, my daughter made the small one. I believe in the power of healing hearty whole wheat bread made by hand with love.

Is this like a mechanical thing that if you are working with your hands?

Yeah.

Your mind is…you know, transported elsewhere or something.

It…I think it wasn’t transported elsewhere. I think it’s transported to the now. You know, when you are kneading the breads suddenly, I mean, it really did feel almost, like a spiritual experience that the day got longer.

Are you channeling?

Ahh.. Into the bread?

No, I really, I feel…It feels it does feel comforting to me. I feel that healing is also about giving.

So when you are doing that and you think, you know, like some people niff? You know, in some religious communities, they have pearl shawls. And I feel like when I knead I think about other people. And what , you know that, Maybe I’ll give the bread to somebody. And this will give them goodness and good feelings.

And you’ll get that from painting or woodworking?

Bread did it for me.

How come your whole family is in 300 pounds?

Well, I don’t do it all the time.

Does this become an omen? Like, Oh, my God. Mom’s in the kitchen again.

I don’t know. You have to ask my daughter that. I think she likes baking bread too.

So this has been working for you all these years. Why didn’t it work back at other times?

Emmm…I think it did work back then.

For you?

And that’s why I came back.  Yeah, for me.

Is it really the bread you are after or that shared closeness?

Yeah.

I mean, you can’t play video games while you are making bread.

Absolutely.

You can’t text message while you.

Right.

And you need a whole day to bake bread. And you have, but you have to do it by hand, no bread machine. You must do it by hand. And if you do it with somebody you love, that’s quite powerful.

Thank you very much. Mary Ann Mrugalski.

Mary Ann Mrugalski is a freelance reporter. Her essay was recorded at fourth press material church in Chicago. As part of the special event sponsored by WBEZ and it appears in the book “This I Believe on Love”. Next week, we will hear another essay from that book, written by a public school teacher and poet in St. Louise. If you like to write an essay about the core belief that guides your life. And submit it to our series. Go to the website, This I Believe. Org.