Finding Your Spiritual Strength in the Midst of Your Emotional Turmoil

There were so many emotions that I experienced in 2003 when the doctor confirmed I had Breast Cancer; I was overwhelmed. That was a point in my life that seemed to play out in slow motion. I was in a perpetual state of emotional turmoil. I had so many different emotions surfacing then, some of them I couldn't even identify.

There were many days when I was bombarded by questions for which I didn't have the answers; and in some instances, I had answers but no questions. I sometimes felt like I had been punched by a world class boxer in the middle of my stomach; all the air was knocked out of me.I couldn't catch my breath, and for a little while I allowed this to be my reality.

I certainly felt that I was entitled; poor me. I wallowed in my self pity, my anger, my frustration, and my zombie- like state of total helplessness- for a little while; but soon self pity, and anger, and helplessness- to my surprise- became my licking stick. I was being hurt by the very emotions that made me feel validated. I was being betrayed by those same feelings that gave me a sense of safety. I was a prisoner of all my fears. In reality I was spiritually exposed, my emotions were raw; I was vulnerable.I remember thinking, how dare cancer invade my breast? I remember thinking no one in the family ever had cancer, so how could I get breast cancer? I remember trying to pin point a time when I may have done something to attract breast cancer. I remember trying to figure out why a vegetarian, health conscious nut would get Breast Cancer?any cancer.

This was not supposed to happen to me; it had to be a mistake. They were all legitimate, reasonable thoughts and questions for which I had no answers. I was scared, I was angry, I felt alienated, I was proud, I was determined, I was in shock, I was depressed, I was sorry for me. I was suffering and I wanted to suffer alone. I wanted no assistance because no one else understood. I was adamant in my efforts to lock everyone who cared about me out of the circle of my conflicting emotions; so I kept all those emotions under cover. I couldn't show it to anyone. I was stalwart in the presence of adversity?and the pressure kept building, silently.

I rode this emotional rollercoaster for what seemed like an eternity. I was too scared, proud, angry, shocked, and confused to break down in front of anyone, or so I thought.

One day, I came to an emotional/ spiritual impasse. The pressure was building on both levels, and when it erupted, it did so unexpectedly. It did so with great pizzazz.

I was all alone when the lid blew. I threw an emotional tantrum. I was praying and I thought I was doing great until all hell broke loose. Somewhere during my praying, I started reasoning with God and cancer. Then unknowingly I moved on to pleading; I was scared. I was so scared. I could barely move. I was overcome by the fear of being ravished and dying a horrible death. I was overcome by pride of not wanting anyone to see me physically debilitated and withering away. I was hot, I was cold?I felt trapped in a multitude of emotions?I couldn't breathe?I started hyper-ventilating. My head was spinning from all the conflicting, confusing emotions that surfaced that day.

Fear soon became anger and frustration. I stood in front of the Dresser mirror and I started a conversation with Breast Cancer- like it was a real person; I found myself calling it DeMon. I was tired of being scared to the point of immobility on all levels. I was pissed it chose to set up residence in my little breast. I had had enough; it was time to face my demon; time to handle my Business. It was time for cancer to feel my true inner strength. I decided at that moment to fight back - I don't even remember going into the shower, but that is where my daughter and my granddaughter found me screaming, cursing, and beating the stuffing out of the shower walls I had a cry to end all crying.

They both came into the shower with me and we all had a good cry together. When I stepped out of the shower that day, I affirmed my intentions to cancer- You want a fight cancer? Well, you got one on your hands now. You don't know the half of it. I am going to kick your a**...and, I am going to do it in the name of my God.

It was therapeutic. It was cleansing. It was refreshing.

After that e