Death of a Parent: Saying Good-Bye to Mommy or Daddy

Coping with the death of a loved one is never easy, regardless of how old you are when that loss occurs. For children who lose a parent, however, the effects can be devastating, indeed, and a plan will need to be put in place so that they can learn to accept this part of the life cycle and move on in a healthy, balanced manner.

Understanding grief

It's important to understand that grief will be expressed differently by each person, and that there's no "right" way to grieve. In fact, there's no specific point at which children should be expected to show signs of having coped with the loss of their parent. The expression, "process of grieving," is an accurate description of what must take place, since this can only happen over time and is expressed through certain stages of behavior and their related emotions. In other words, grief isn't a single event; it's a series of steps that children must grow through in order to come to the acceptance of their particular loss. The philosophy that they should simply "keep a stiff upper lip" doesn't apply and isn't an appropriate goal to set for children if they're going to work through their grief without serious consequences - behaviorally, emotionally or otherwise.

Although you might expect that children will show more signs of grief when the deceased parent was one with whom they had formed a particularly strong bond, that isn't always the case. In fact, greater emotional trauma may be experienced when the parent/child bond wasn't strong, simply because there are unresolved issues. In the case of abused children, for instance, exquisite emotional pain may be felt due to the inability to improve the relationship between parent and child before their demise. As a result, those children are often left with feelings of pain and rejection, without the opportunity to somehow "make it right". Typically, questions such as, "Didn't mom/dad love me?," "Did mom/dad ever feel sorry for what they did?," and "What did I do wrong to make them treat me that way?" will haunt children who have been the victims of abusive parents. As a result, part of their grieving process will include the pain of never knowing the answers to the questions that are the most significant to them. Even if it first appears that there's a feeling of relief when these children realize that their tormenter is gone, those questions will eventually surface, as well as the pain and feelings of rejection that are associated with them.

Expressions of grief in Children

The approach to a child's grieving process will need to take into consideration their age, developmental level and ability to understand the implications of what's actually happened. Often, they look to other significant adults in their midst in order to gauge the types of reactions that they're having to the loss. If, for instance, the adults appear to be showing a "strong face," then children will often react differently than they would to an adult who openly cries. By watching those around them, children will begin to perceive what form of grief is "acceptable".

Questions - When children don't understand what's happening around them, they often hit the adults with a barrage of questions. This is also true in the case of a death - especially when dealing with younger children. Often, the same questions will be asked repeatedly as they struggle to understand the concept of death and how it will impact their young lives. If they're a bit older, these questions can be their way of trying to accept what's happened as they work through their disbelief that the parent is actually gone, even though they do understand the general concept.

Shock - As adults, the shock that's brought about by a trauma can manifest itself in a variety of ways. Children are no different in their approach to something of this magnitude. While some