BEC初级口语:成功的自我介绍
2010-08-04来源:和谐英语
成功个人陈述范例点评
多年的留学咨询和申请材料审改工作使我有了这样的体会，内容比较雷同，但语言不错的个人陈述也能帮助申请者获得奖学金，但是内容比较独特、新颖的个人陈述成功的可能性则要大得多。在以下的篇幅里，我介绍历年里比较成功的个人陈述的片断，并给予简单的评论。
绝大多数的申请者都会用主要的篇幅强调自己多么的勤奋，学习多么好。这两点最好少强调。这些优点是中国学生的共同特点，国外的教授已经知道。所有的人都写这些内容，读的人会产生厌倦感。下面这位同学的个人陈述突破了这个框框，她虽然在第一段中像别人一样讲成绩，但是第二段话锋一转，谈到中国的高考制度。
她说其实许多有才华的人就是因为高考不成功，没有上大学，就少了很多机会。她自己是考试制度下的成功者，但是能够表示出对比自己更艰难的同龄人的同情和理解，在众多的申请者中特别的难能可贵。所有的申请者都是用所有的篇幅讲自己多么优秀，讲自己如何奋斗，几乎没有什么人谈到别人的境况或者奋斗。
Having achieved the highest total of scores on the National University Entrance Examinations among all students in my hometown, I won acceptance into Chinese Youth College of Political Science (YCPS for shortly a preeminent institution of higher learning focused on political science and journalism. With that score, I could have opted for the most famous university in China, the Peking University, often dubbed China's Harvard, but my university is the best in its own right.
At this point, may I digress to comment on one important aspect of Chinese young people's life, namely, competition. I myself am a product of keen competition for better grades, which is quite pervasive all over China. It was so in my elementary school; it was so in high school-, it is all the more so in competing for entrance into universities. Only the cream of the cream, namely, 4% of all high school students get to universities. In retrospect, I could see that this system is seriously flawed, for it denied quite many young talents, many of whom I shall later on meet and talk to, opportunities they could not otherwise have had.
是不是非要把自己说成是成绩顶尖的学生才能获得奖学金呢？其实不一定。下面这位同学就是一个很好的例子。他的成绩并不优异，他在PS的第一句话就此做了说明。他是学生干部，在校期间为同学做了大量的服务，包括建立校园网站，包括代表学生要求食堂照顾学生的利益。至于能力，他主要谈的是团队精神和协作。为了建立一个出色的校园网站，他必须与其他的志愿者精诚合作，发挥每一个团队成员的特长。在这个三人团队中，有人负责页面设计，有人专长于编程，有人更胜任硬件的维护和管理。
I was not an outstanding student in the traditional Chinese sense. In a culture where “outstanding student” is narrowly defined as a student who gets good grades, I do not think I had the luck to join that rank, because I did not “ace all of my exams.”
……
A case in point: I helped design and maintain the award-winning university student website, www.nk3m.edu, Moonpacer being my pen name. My teammates, Erric and Tommy made our nicknames known throughout the university community because of our joint efforts. My primary contribution was in the area of page design, graphics and fine arts. I was also the first in putting a 20-item questionnaire online for student input in response to a series of food price adjustments by the School Logistics Department in charge of school cafeterias. Using the data I collected in two days, I was able to present to the school authority findings that were predominately against the price hikes. It was not the findings itself, but rather the fact that I represented 22% of the student population, that forced the Logistics Department to react and to modify its previous decisions.
In working with Erric and Tommy on the website, I learnt how to use my individual creativity wisely. While I always had my independent ideas and problem solving methods, I realized that my teammates had theirs. It did not help if I wanted to impose my preference on them. On the contrary, by being a good listener and by being willing to accommodate, I was better able to sell my own ideas. We each had strengths and weaknesses, but working as a team, we worked wonders. I was often referred to as the “go-to” person for issues related to Photoshop and JAVA; but if I had problems with B and VB and VC++, I would seek counsel from Eric. Tommy, on the other hand, was the unchallenged authority, on hardware. We grew as a team even as our fame grew because of the honorary mentioning of our names in our campus newspaper and newsletters. The beauty of the new technologies is that we can still function as a team as we leave college and go our separate ways.
许多申请者误以为需要夸大自己的学术能力，把自己吹嘘得不同反响，才能获得申请得成功。其实，我们申请出国学习不过是去做学生。如果我们已经是大师了，就不需要去学习了。所以，读理工科的学生用不着做过划时代的实验，读文科的同学用不着具备对学术问题的独到见解。在一般情况下，你也不可能做到这一点。硬要把自己吹得神乎其神，很容易专家看出来言过其实。
下面这几段选自一位申请读建筑工程博士学位的同学的PS。他在国内读的是走读大学，毕业后在建筑工地上当了四年监工，GRE考试成绩只有1800多分。他于是觉得自己的实力很弱，心里没有底。但是通过咨询，他从别的方面找到了自己的闪光点。他在当实习生的时候就参与了我国最大地面建筑即北京西客站的施工（虽然他只是承当了几根柱子的设计）。后来工程出现了下沉的问题，他仔细地分析了原因，递交了很厚的报告。他没有考虑到自己人微言轻，充分展现了主人翁的精神。
在所有的工头里面，他又是唯一做科学实验的。限于环境和工作性质，他的实验也不是什么高深的项目，而是怎样搅拌水泥，等等。最后，他的成功凭借的不是名校的学位，惊人的GRE成绩或是瞩目的科学实验，而是一种敬业精神和进取的态度。
The Western Station project in Beijing consisted of the mail hall (70,000 square meters), southern wing building group (40,000 square meters) and north wing building group (35. 000 square meters). But it was not too long before I discovered that, even in this monumental project, design techniques applied in many cases left much to be desired. When treating the wind load, the earthquake force and the effect of frozen soil historical data and intelligent estimates were used in place of accurate measuring. This phenomenon made me determined to improve my knowledge and skills in a graduate program that can teach sophisticated know-how, such as yours.
It regrettably turned out that the design of the mail hall was seriously flawed, which drew intense media attention nationwide. The structure sank two meters after completion. As experts continue to help the court determine who is responsible, I myself have been awed by this drama and kept researching it ever since it became known. My tentative explanation, submitted to the chief engineer, is that the disaster happened because the team of designers failed to take into account the underground water's power of buoyancy, even though the structure base was put below the waterbed. The structure floated until enough load was mounted. The proper construction method therefore should involved artificial precipitation until the completion of structure.
Upon graduation in 1996, I joined the Beijing Biggest Co., one of the four largest construction companies in China, and immediately took on management duties as an assistant manager at the construction. site. I have supervised steel engineering, concrete engineering and platform engineering for three twenty-three story buildings in the Beijing DD residential area, a total of 60,000 square meters in apartments. In this capacity, I was compelled to learn management skills that had never been taught in the classroom. Although construction management is not what I foresee to be a lifetime pursuit, I executed my duty meticulously and creatively. I became the first construction site manager in the company to conduct experiments comparing box-weir maintenance and the traditional manual watering method. By using box-weir method, weak concrete and cracks in the concrete were eliminated. Through these important, albeit small steps of improvement, I have derived immense satisfaction.
多年的留学咨询和申请材料审改工作使我有了这样的体会，内容比较雷同，但语言不错的个人陈述也能帮助申请者获得奖学金，但是内容比较独特、新颖的个人陈述成功的可能性则要大得多。在以下的篇幅里，我介绍历年里比较成功的个人陈述的片断，并给予简单的评论。
绝大多数的申请者都会用主要的篇幅强调自己多么的勤奋，学习多么好。这两点最好少强调。这些优点是中国学生的共同特点，国外的教授已经知道。所有的人都写这些内容，读的人会产生厌倦感。下面这位同学的个人陈述突破了这个框框，她虽然在第一段中像别人一样讲成绩，但是第二段话锋一转，谈到中国的高考制度。
她说其实许多有才华的人就是因为高考不成功，没有上大学，就少了很多机会。她自己是考试制度下的成功者，但是能够表示出对比自己更艰难的同龄人的同情和理解，在众多的申请者中特别的难能可贵。所有的申请者都是用所有的篇幅讲自己多么优秀，讲自己如何奋斗，几乎没有什么人谈到别人的境况或者奋斗。
Having achieved the highest total of scores on the National University Entrance Examinations among all students in my hometown, I won acceptance into Chinese Youth College of Political Science (YCPS for shortly a preeminent institution of higher learning focused on political science and journalism. With that score, I could have opted for the most famous university in China, the Peking University, often dubbed China's Harvard, but my university is the best in its own right.
At this point, may I digress to comment on one important aspect of Chinese young people's life, namely, competition. I myself am a product of keen competition for better grades, which is quite pervasive all over China. It was so in my elementary school; it was so in high school-, it is all the more so in competing for entrance into universities. Only the cream of the cream, namely, 4% of all high school students get to universities. In retrospect, I could see that this system is seriously flawed, for it denied quite many young talents, many of whom I shall later on meet and talk to, opportunities they could not otherwise have had.
是不是非要把自己说成是成绩顶尖的学生才能获得奖学金呢？其实不一定。下面这位同学就是一个很好的例子。他的成绩并不优异，他在PS的第一句话就此做了说明。他是学生干部，在校期间为同学做了大量的服务，包括建立校园网站，包括代表学生要求食堂照顾学生的利益。至于能力，他主要谈的是团队精神和协作。为了建立一个出色的校园网站，他必须与其他的志愿者精诚合作，发挥每一个团队成员的特长。在这个三人团队中，有人负责页面设计，有人专长于编程，有人更胜任硬件的维护和管理。
I was not an outstanding student in the traditional Chinese sense. In a culture where “outstanding student” is narrowly defined as a student who gets good grades, I do not think I had the luck to join that rank, because I did not “ace all of my exams.”
……
A case in point: I helped design and maintain the award-winning university student website, www.nk3m.edu, Moonpacer being my pen name. My teammates, Erric and Tommy made our nicknames known throughout the university community because of our joint efforts. My primary contribution was in the area of page design, graphics and fine arts. I was also the first in putting a 20-item questionnaire online for student input in response to a series of food price adjustments by the School Logistics Department in charge of school cafeterias. Using the data I collected in two days, I was able to present to the school authority findings that were predominately against the price hikes. It was not the findings itself, but rather the fact that I represented 22% of the student population, that forced the Logistics Department to react and to modify its previous decisions.
In working with Erric and Tommy on the website, I learnt how to use my individual creativity wisely. While I always had my independent ideas and problem solving methods, I realized that my teammates had theirs. It did not help if I wanted to impose my preference on them. On the contrary, by being a good listener and by being willing to accommodate, I was better able to sell my own ideas. We each had strengths and weaknesses, but working as a team, we worked wonders. I was often referred to as the “go-to” person for issues related to Photoshop and JAVA; but if I had problems with B and VB and VC++, I would seek counsel from Eric. Tommy, on the other hand, was the unchallenged authority, on hardware. We grew as a team even as our fame grew because of the honorary mentioning of our names in our campus newspaper and newsletters. The beauty of the new technologies is that we can still function as a team as we leave college and go our separate ways.
许多申请者误以为需要夸大自己的学术能力，把自己吹嘘得不同反响，才能获得申请得成功。其实，我们申请出国学习不过是去做学生。如果我们已经是大师了，就不需要去学习了。所以，读理工科的学生用不着做过划时代的实验，读文科的同学用不着具备对学术问题的独到见解。在一般情况下，你也不可能做到这一点。硬要把自己吹得神乎其神，很容易专家看出来言过其实。
下面这几段选自一位申请读建筑工程博士学位的同学的PS。他在国内读的是走读大学，毕业后在建筑工地上当了四年监工，GRE考试成绩只有1800多分。他于是觉得自己的实力很弱，心里没有底。但是通过咨询，他从别的方面找到了自己的闪光点。他在当实习生的时候就参与了我国最大地面建筑即北京西客站的施工（虽然他只是承当了几根柱子的设计）。后来工程出现了下沉的问题，他仔细地分析了原因，递交了很厚的报告。他没有考虑到自己人微言轻，充分展现了主人翁的精神。
在所有的工头里面，他又是唯一做科学实验的。限于环境和工作性质，他的实验也不是什么高深的项目，而是怎样搅拌水泥，等等。最后，他的成功凭借的不是名校的学位，惊人的GRE成绩或是瞩目的科学实验，而是一种敬业精神和进取的态度。
The Western Station project in Beijing consisted of the mail hall (70,000 square meters), southern wing building group (40,000 square meters) and north wing building group (35. 000 square meters). But it was not too long before I discovered that, even in this monumental project, design techniques applied in many cases left much to be desired. When treating the wind load, the earthquake force and the effect of frozen soil historical data and intelligent estimates were used in place of accurate measuring. This phenomenon made me determined to improve my knowledge and skills in a graduate program that can teach sophisticated know-how, such as yours.
It regrettably turned out that the design of the mail hall was seriously flawed, which drew intense media attention nationwide. The structure sank two meters after completion. As experts continue to help the court determine who is responsible, I myself have been awed by this drama and kept researching it ever since it became known. My tentative explanation, submitted to the chief engineer, is that the disaster happened because the team of designers failed to take into account the underground water's power of buoyancy, even though the structure base was put below the waterbed. The structure floated until enough load was mounted. The proper construction method therefore should involved artificial precipitation until the completion of structure.
Upon graduation in 1996, I joined the Beijing Biggest Co., one of the four largest construction companies in China, and immediately took on management duties as an assistant manager at the construction. site. I have supervised steel engineering, concrete engineering and platform engineering for three twenty-three story buildings in the Beijing DD residential area, a total of 60,000 square meters in apartments. In this capacity, I was compelled to learn management skills that had never been taught in the classroom. Although construction management is not what I foresee to be a lifetime pursuit, I executed my duty meticulously and creatively. I became the first construction site manager in the company to conduct experiments comparing box-weir maintenance and the traditional manual watering method. By using box-weir method, weak concrete and cracks in the concrete were eliminated. Through these important, albeit small steps of improvement, I have derived immense satisfaction.
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