大学英语四级写作范文和名师点评(三)

　　例3.(8分段)
　　At 9:00am October 25st(25th) 2003, I saw a traffic accident on Daxue Road. At that time, I was on my way to school.
　　When I turned right on the corner, a motorbike knocked into a small car. The motorbike was red, and there are(were) two persons on the motorbike. The car was yellow. The motorbike fell down, and the two persons on the motorbike were slight injured. The (car) driver came out of the car at once, and asked about the two persons. As soon as I saw that, I made a telephone call to 110.The traffic police arrived in a short time.
　　According to what I saw, I thought there may be one reason leading to the accident. That was the motorbike kept too short (a) distant from the car. When the car slowed down, the motorbike couldn’t slow down in time. So the accident took place.
　　点评：(1)基本切题。
　　(2)文字连贯性不强，尤其是第二段，缺少一些必要的衔接词。
　　(3)简单句太多，可以考虑把一些合并成复合句。
　　(4)有些地方人称指代不明(如司机)，容易引起误解
　　(5)有一些基本的时态、语法错误。
　　例4.(11分段)
　　Last Friday afternoon, when I was on my way home, a traffic accident took place at the crossing of Shanghai Road.
　　A pupil was knocked down by a black car when he was walking across the street. His legs were badly hurt. Sever(Several) minutes later an ambulance came, and the driver of the black car sent the pupil to the hospital immediately.
　　In my eyes, this accident was due to that the pupil broke the traffic rules. That is to say, the pupil walked across the street when the traffic lights were red. As soon as the driver saw the pupil, he stopped the car, however, it was too late. In my opinion, it was necessary to advocate people to confirm to the traffic rules. If the pupil hadn’t broken the traffic rules, the accident might not have happened.
　　点评：(1)本文比较切题，表达思想清楚。
　　(2)语句比较通顺，但有少量语言错误。
　　例5.(14分段)
　　My name is Liming. I am studying at college. A week ago I saw a traffic accident , which is still vivid in my mind.
　　It was at about 9:00 on Saturday morning, June 15th, when I went out of the university to visit a friend of mine at another university. I was walking leisurely on the sidewalk when I heard a loud crash of two vehicles just at the T-junction about 10 meters away. Two taxis crashed together. It was a traffic accident.
　　I went up and found that the two taxis were badly damaged. Both hoofs were out of shape. One door of a car was knocked off and lying on the road. One driver was blooding and another was shut in the taxi. Some people were trying to help the driver get out of the damaged car. One man was calling to the traffic policeman station. A lot of cars were jammed on the road.
　　From the stopping track on the road, it is clear that the two taxis were driving too fast. But it is just one of the reasons. In my opinion, the taxi drivers are eager to take more passengers and make a little more money. On the other hand, both drivers don’t show concern for one another. Both of them wanted to run in front of another. Therefore, the accident is inevitable. So far, we should let the drivers keep it in their mind that a little slower, a little safer. Taking care of other’s lives means taking care of your own life.
　　点评：(1)切题。
　　(2)表达清楚，描述详细生动。
　　(3)文字通顺，连贯性较好。
　　(4)基本上无大的语言错误，仅有个别小错误。
　　注： 文中划线部分为原文的一些明显语言错误，括号里的为修改建议，为保持原文面貌，对于结构没有做过多改动。