你真的会经营感情吗？警惕10个坏习惯毁了爱情

Ever feel that your relationship suffers from a unique brand of frustration, tension, distance, or any number of other troubling feelings? The reality is, there is struggle in every romance. "If you are experiencing disillusionment, well, join the human race" .
你是否曾经感觉自己的感情曾经遭受沮丧，紧张，距离或其他负面情绪的困扰？事实是，在每段感情中这些纠结都不可避免。“如果你正在经历这种幻灭，那么说明你和大家都一样” 。

Hendrix, author of the best selling book, Getting the Love You Want, started examining the question, "why do couples fight" in the late 1970s. After studying and working with thousands of couples, he has found that there are 10 common bad habits couples engage in that make relationships miserable and can lead to break-up or divorce.
畅销书《相爱一生》的作者Hendrix在上世纪70年代末开始研究这个问题，“夫妻间为什么会有争斗”。在对几千对夫妻进行了研究和共事之后，他发现，那些婚姻悲剧的夫妻有10个共同的坏习惯，这可能导致他们分手或离婚。

1. Be critical.
太严苛。

Even "constructive" criticism can make your partner defensive and reduce the feeling of safety in a relationship. Being harsh and judgmental when angry can trigger a "flight or fight response."
哪怕是“建设性”的批评也会让你的伴侣产生抵触情绪，并降低二人关系之间的安全感。过于严厉和主观，会让愤怒引发一场“战斗或战斗反应”。

2. Insist your partner be exactly the same as you.
坚持让你的伴侣和你一模一样。

"Absolute compatibility" is an express route to a dull relationship. If you insist your partner have the same feelings and perceptions as you do, it can lead to despair and misery.
“绝对的一致”很快就会让两人的关系变得乏味。如果你坚持让你的伴侣拥有和你一样的感觉和认识，这会导致绝望和悲剧。

3. Flee from intimacy.
拒绝亲密。

If you habitually avoid being physically or emotionally close with your partner through escaping into work, hobbies, television, or other activities, you risk creating a divide between you and your partner that may become impossible to breach.
如果你习惯性地避免和你的伴侣进行身体或情感上的亲密接触，而选择在工作、爱好、电视或其他活动中去逃避，你可能正在你和伴侣之间制造隔阂，而且这种隔阂可能会难以消除。

4. Play the blame game.
相互指责。

Using "you" language when upset will make your partner put up their defenses. When your goal is to communicate in a way that fosters intimacy, use statements that begin with "I feel" instead.
在感觉糟糕的时候用“你”这种表达会让你的伴侣产生抵触情绪。当你的目标是用一种能培养亲密感的方式进行沟通，换用“我感觉……”作为开头试试。

5. Bargain.
做交易。

Both "giving conditionally and receiving cautiously" erode relationships. He warns against doing something for a partner only when you want something in exchange.
“有条件的给予和谨慎的接受”都会毁掉一段感情。Hendrix警告的是那些为伴侣做某件事只是为了交换另一件事的人。