处理婆媳关系的关键

Jim Brown knew he was in trouble before his mother finished asking the question. 'Am I a better cook than your wife?' she asked, calmly stirring a pot on the stove in her kitchen.
母亲还未问完这个问题，吉姆·布朗(Jim Brown)就知道自己麻烦来了。“我的厨艺是不是比你妻子的更好？”母亲在厨房里一边平静地搅拌着炉灶上锅里的食物，一边问道。

With his wife, Joy, standing next to him, Mr. Brown stammered and stuttered. He prayed -- 'for a trap door to appear,' he says. Finally, he did the only thing he could think to do: Tell the truth. 'I said that my wife is a better cook,' the 50-year-old owner of a Duncanville, Texas, auto-repair shop says.
吉姆支支吾吾不愿回答，因为当时妻子乔伊(Joy)就站在旁边。他说当时自己祈祷着“地上能出现一道缝”。最终，他做了当时他能想到的唯一一件事：实话实说。他说：“我当时答道妻子的厨艺更好。”现年50岁的吉姆是得克萨斯州邓肯维尔(Duncanville)一家汽修店的老板。

The fallout? 'Biblical,' he says. 'There was wailing. Gnashing of teeth.' Even his wife got mad -- telling him that he had been insensitive to his mother.
结果呢？他说：“糟糕透顶。母亲气得咬牙切齿，并对我大声数落。”甚至连妻子都非常生气，说他不顾母亲的感受。

Sadly, the scene wasn't new to the Browns, who had been married seven years. The strain between his wife and his mother -- and his position, stuck in the middle -- was taking a toll on all three relationships. His mom criticized his wife for her parenting style and for not getting a job. His wife cried and complained to him. He retreated from both women.
可悲的是，这种场景对当时结婚七年的布朗夫妇来说并不新鲜。妻子和母亲之间的紧张关系──还有他夹在中间的左右为难──已经对三人间的关系产生了负面影响。他母亲批评他妻子抚育孩子的方式，并且不满她赋闲在家。妻子就向他哭诉和抱怨。面对这两个女人，他选择了逃避。

'I am a guy and not that intuitive, and I didn't really understand either one,' he says. 'My inclination was to go mow the grass.' Over the next couple years, the Browns kept trying to make the triangle work -- until the conflict reached a crisis point and then took an unexpected turn.
他说：“我是个男人，直觉也不那么灵敏。这两个女人，我简直一个都搞不懂。遇到这种事情，我就想出去割草。”接下来的两年，布朗夫妇一直竭力维持着这个三角关系──直到冲突触及危机点，并来了个意料之外的转折。

Few family relationships are more fraught than the ones between a mother-in-law and her daughter-in-law, and the man caught between them. It has been fodder for comedy in movies and on TV forever, yet each generation seems to have to learn for itself how to make this triangle work.
很少有家庭关系比婆婆、媳妇以及被夹在中间的男人之间的关系更令人头疼了。虽然它一直是喜剧类电影和电视剧永恒的题材，但似乎每一代人都不得不自己学习如何让这种三角关系维持下去。

Mothers really do worry more when sons marry than when daughters marry, according to unpublished research conducted by Sylvia L. Mikucki-Enyart, assistant professor of communication at the University of Wisconsin-Stevens Point. She asked 89 mothers-in-law what they worried about most when a child married. Overwhelmingly, when a son married these women reported more uncertainty and insecurity. The insecurity centered on the son's relationship with his parents and nuclear family. Will he visit or call less often? Will he spend holidays with the family?
根据威斯康辛大学史蒂文斯波恩特分校(University of Wisconsin-Stevens Point)传播学助理教授西尔维娅·米库茨基-埃尼亚特(Sylvia L. Mikucki-Enyart)一项尚未发表论文的研究，娶儿媳比嫁女儿更让母亲担心。她询问了89名婆婆和岳母，孩子结婚她们最担心什么。这些人绝大多数都表示,如果是儿子结婚，她们会感到更加不确定、不安心。这种不安集中在儿子与父母以及自己小家庭的关系上。他会比以前少来看望我们或者少打电话吗？他会和家人一起共度假期吗？

The mothers also reported worrying about their son's well-being and whether marriage and his wife would change him. Some of their specific concerns: 'He's no longer reliable, due to his wife's interference.' 'His interests have changed dramatically.' 'Is he eating enough? My daughter-in-law is a bad cook.' 'Is he happy?'
母亲们还称，她们担心儿子的幸福，以及婚姻和妻子是否会改变他。一些具体的担心包括：“因为妻子干涉，他变得不再可信赖。”“他的兴趣爱好发生了戏剧性的改变。”“他吃饱了吗？我儿媳可不是个好厨子。”“他快乐吗？”

Dr. Mikucki-Enyart also studied 133 daughters-in-law, eliciting their concerns about the women who raised their husbands. 'Is my mother-in-law getting too involved in my life?' 'What is her ability to take financial care of herself?' 'What does she say about me when I am not around?'
米库茨基-埃尼亚特博士还调查了133名儿媳，让她们谈论了对于抚养其丈夫长大的那个女人的担忧。“我婆婆会不会太干涉我的生活？”“她在经济上照顾自己的能力怎样？”“当我不在的时候，她是怎么说我的？”

'We expect a daughter-in-law not to like a mother-in-law and to expect her to be meddlesome,' says Dr. Mikucki-Enyart. As a result, the two women may tread carefully around each other from the start, reacting defensively and eventually becoming distant. 'It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy,' she says.
米库茨基-埃尼亚特博士说：“很可能儿媳会不怎么喜欢婆婆，并且觉得她会多管闲事。”结果，这两个女人可能一开始相处就小心翼翼，采取防御姿态，最终渐行渐远。她说：“这已经变成了一种自证预言。”