处理婆媳关系的关键

In a way, both mother and wife are competing to nurture the man. Loading the relationship even more is women's traditional role as what researchers call 'kin keepers' who maintain the family social calendar, relationships and traditions.
从某种方式上来说，母亲和妻子都在争着养育这个男人。让这种关系雪上加霜的是被研究人员称作“家庭关系维护者”的女性传统角色，该角色负责管理家庭社交日程，维护家庭关系和传统。

There is uncertainty on both sides. Mothers- and daughters-in-law are supposed to be family, yet they don't know each other well. What to call each other? How much to share? There is no script.
两边都存在不确定性。婆婆和媳妇虽说理应是一家人，但双方并不怎么熟悉。如何称呼对方？应该与对方分享多少？都没有脚本。

The uncertainty itself can lead to jealousy, anger or sadness. The more uncertainty there is, the more each woman is likely to keep the other at arm's length. This can destabilize the marriage: When his mother and his wife are battling, a man's self-preservation instinct tells him to hide.
这种不确定本身就可能导致嫉妒、愤怒或伤心。不确定性越强，两个女人越可能相互保持距离。而这可能会破坏婚姻的稳定：当母亲和妻子开战，男人自我保护的本能会告诉他能躲多远是多远。

How can families break the pattern? It's really up to the husband/son, Dr. Mikucki-Enyart says. 'He needs to step up to the plate,' she says. 'He has to make his wife his priority and let that be known.'
如何才能打破这一模式？米库茨基-埃尼亚特博士说，关键在丈夫/儿子身上。她说：“他必须出面。他必须把妻子放在首位，并且让大家知道这一点。”

If his mother often drops by unannounced and this bothers his wife, the husband needs to ask his mother to call first. He doesn't need to tell her that it upsets his wife.
如果他的母亲经常出其不意地造访，让妻子感到困扰，做丈夫的需要和母亲说，来之前请先打电话。他不需要告诉母亲说这件事困扰到了他妻子。

'A mother is more likely to respond to her son's request than her daughter-in-law's,' says Dr. Mikucki-Enyart.
米库茨基-埃尼亚特博士说：“母亲更容易对儿子而不是儿媳的要求做出回应。”

Daughters-in-law can do their part by keeping their mother-in-law involved in the family. Invite them to dinner. Send photos of the children. And pick your battles.
媳妇也可以发挥她们的作用，让婆婆参与到家庭中来。邀请她们一起吃晚餐。给她们发送孩子们的照片。有些事情学会睁一只眼闭一只眼。

'Don't make it a competition,' says Dr. Mikucki-Enyart. 'You both love this man in completely different ways.'
米库茨基-埃尼亚特博士说：“别让它成为一种竞争。你们都爱这个男人，只是采取的方式不同。”

The couple should always present a united front, she says. Remember that you are a team. Don't throw each other under the bus. Parents expect that united front, she says, even though it may be a little hard for them to get used to at first.
她说，夫妇必须永远站在同一战线上。记住，你们是一个团队。别把对方往火坑里推。她说，父母对你们会共同进退这一点是有心理准备的，尽管一开始他们可能会有些难以接受。

The tension between mother- and daughter-in-law started about a year into the Browns' marriage, when Ms. Brown got pregnant and her mother-in-law suddenly seemed to know everything. Ms. Brown tried to politely ignore her mother-in-law, but every once in a while she would tell the older woman she was wrong. Her mother-in-law would cry and storm off, and Ms. Brown would end up apologizing.
布朗夫妇结婚一年左右的时候，婆媳之间的关系就开始变得紧张。当时乔伊怀孕了，而她婆婆似乎突然变得无所不知。乔伊试着礼貌地对她视而不见，但偶尔会对老太太说她错了。婆婆会大哭并气冲冲地离开，最后乔伊不得不道歉了事。

'I felt like there was no winning, like we were in a crazy dance,' says Ms. Brown, now 45 and a fifth-grade teacher.
乔伊说：“我感觉这是两败俱伤，好像我们是在跳一场疯狂的舞蹈。”现年45岁的乔伊是一名五年级的老师。

So, mostly, Ms. Brown complained to her husband -- and, mostly, he did nothing. 'It didn't occur to me to contradict my mom,' he says.
于是，大部分时候乔伊只好向丈夫抱怨。但，大部分时候，他什么也不做。他说：“我从来没有想过要去驳斥我母亲。”

Making matters worse: Mr. Brown sometimes sometimes discussed problems in his marriage with his mom. 'She would commiserate, I think, to feel close to me,' he says. 'And it increased my feelings of being slighted by my wife.'
更糟糕的是：吉姆有时会和他母亲讨论他婚姻中的问题。他说：“她会表示同情，我想，这让她感觉离我更近。这更让我觉得自己受到了妻子的怠慢。”

Mr. Brown retreated into work. He and his wife began living parallel lives, and eventually he asked for a divorce. But after they told his mother the news, she seemed to back off. Betty Wade, now 72, says she doesn't remember that her relationship with her daughter-in-law was tense or a factor in the couple's divorce discussion. 'Just because he got married didn't make him less my son, but I knew he had to spend his attention on the other lady,' she says.
吉姆借工作逃避。他和妻子开始过着平行线般的生活，最终他提出了离婚。但在他们将这一决定告诉母亲后，她似乎让步了。现年72岁的贝蒂·韦德(Betty Wade)说，她不记得自己曾经和儿媳关系紧张，也不觉得这是导致夫妇俩商讨离婚的因素之一。她说：“虽然他结了婚，但依然是我的儿子；不过我也知道，他必须要去关心另外那位女士。”

The space gave the couple a chance to work on their relationship. They sought advice from counselors at their church and went to a marriage therapist. They read self-help books and prayed together. And they stayed married.
贝蒂的让步为夫妇俩改善彼此的关系提供了一个机会。他们向所在教区的顾问寻求建议，并且去求助了婚姻咨询师。他们阅读自助书籍，还一起祈祷。他们的婚姻也得以维系了下来。

'It was a lot of blood, sweat and tears,' Mr. Brown says. 'But I had learned to come to grips with the idea that I had to place my priorities with my wife first.'
吉姆说：“这就是一部血泪史。但我学会了要牢牢记住一点，就是必须把妻子摆在首位。”