尝试开辟新沟通方式: 给家人写年终评估报告

My husband has a stack of year-end reviews on his desk-reviews from his bosses, reviews by his peers, reviews of his staff. And then there's one from me. What started as a joke between us 10 years ago-over piles of socks left on the floor-has become a yearly tradition: our year-end review as a couple.
老公桌子上有一大摞年终评估报告，有来自老板的，同级的，还有下属的。然后还有一份来自我的。10年前我们围绕地板上一大堆袜子开的玩笑，已成为一项年复一年的传统：我们作为夫妻的年终评估。

Performance reviews, for better or worse, have long been a staple of corporate America. Outside the office, I've found that they can also open up a whole new way of communicating with family and close friends. And they're a handy way to air minor grievances.
不管是好是坏，绩效评估长期以来都是美国企业界的一项重要活动。而在办公室外，我发现这些评估也可以为家人、好友之间的沟通开辟一条全新的通道，并且是传递小牢骚的好办法。

Several couples I know have their own version of a yearly performance review. One refers to it as the 'State of Our Union.' Another takes a more serious approach to what they call their annual 'Board of Directors Meeting,' complete with a formal agenda in four sections: personal, professional, philanthropic and spiritual. A couple with adult children makes their review a full-family affair, with a psychologist on hand in case the conversation gets heated. In explaining why he conducts reviews at home, a friend said, 'Sometimes I think we're more honest with people at work than we are with our own family.'
我认识的几对夫妻都有各自的年度绩效评估。有一对将之称为“我们的国情咨文”。另一对则是更严肃地对待他们所说的“董事局会议”，由四部分正式议程组成：私人事务、专业事务、慈善事务和精神事务。一对子女已经成年的夫妇将评估看作一项涉及全家的事务，还配备了一名心理学家，以防大家在讨论过程中动了肝火。一位朋友在解释为什么在家里搞评估活动时说：“有时候我觉得我们在同事面前比在自己家人前面更加坦诚。”

For our own review, my husband and I talk over dinner about our 'accomplishments' over the past year as a couple, the 'areas for improvement,' the 'goals' we want to set for the year ahead and the 'next steps' we are going to take to get there. Comments run the gamut from petty complaints, like laundry on the floor, to important goals, like setting time alone as a couple. These reviews force us to focus and reflect on the big picture, to give priority to what's really important to us in our very busy lives.
在我们自己的评估中，丈夫和我会在吃晚饭期间谈到过去一年作为夫妻所取得的“成就”、“待改进之处”、希望为来年制定的“目标”，以及为实现目标将要采取哪些“新步骤”。我们无话不谈，既说到地板上的脏衣服之类的琐事，也说到留出夫妻独处时间之类的重要目标。这些评估迫使我们关注及反思大局，并把繁忙生活中真正重要的事情放在头等位置。

Our review generally takes place close to New Year's Eve, making it a handy New Year's resolution list, albeit one written by another person. The tone of ours tends to be tongue-in-cheek. For more serious reviewers, a friend suggests adopting what's called the 'hamburger technique.' Structure your review as if it were a hamburger: soft bun to start (ease in with compliments), solid meat (the big criticism), lettuce (room to grow), then finish with another soft bun (more closing compliments).
我们的评估一般在快到元旦前夜的时候进行，顺便把它当作一个新年计划列表，只不过是由对方来写的。我们通常都用一种假正经的调子来写。对于更加认真的人，一位朋友建议采用所谓的“汉堡包技巧”，也就是把评估报告写成汉堡包的结构：先是柔软的面包（和风细雨地讲些恭维话）、实在的肉块（重要批评）、生菜（转圜余地），然后用另一片柔软的面包（更多恭维话）收尾。

Our annual review has even grown to include family and close friends. Everyone who has heard about it seems interested in giving it a try, perhaps because there aren't very many socially acceptable ways to tell friends about the little things that bother you. That's where the review comes in handy.
我们的年度评估甚至还慢慢地包括了家人和好友。所有听说过的人似乎都有兴趣试一试。这可能是因为向朋友说些琐事而又能被人接受的方式并不是非常多。评估的用处就在这里。

When a couple close to us heard about our couple's review ritual, they requested to be reviewed on the spot-and then turned around and reviewed us too. Apparently, I'm not so good at keeping my calendar and have canceled on them more times than I should have. They suggested that I turn the scheduling over to my husband, who now books our monthly get-togethers. On the rare occasion that we have to postpone a dinner now, they jokingly-or not so jokingly-say, 'Don't think this won't come up in your review.'
一对与我们关系不错的夫妇听说我们的评估仪式之后，当即要求我们给他们写评估报告，然后又反过来给我们写。看来我并不擅长遵守日程安排，放他们鸽子的次数太多。他们建议我把制定日程的任务交给老公，现在我们的月度聚会就是由他来预定的。有时候我们不得不暂时把晚宴延后，他们就会半开玩笑半认真地说：“别以为这件事不会出现在对你们的评估里面。”