一些与伴侣增进感情的小秘诀

While reporting this column, I asked people how they show their spouse they care. I heard from husbands who bring their wives coffee in bed, warm up the car on cold mornings and save her the last piece of chocolate. There are wives who make breakfast for their husbands every morning and brag to friends, within his earshot, about what a great husband he is.
你还可能以一种很礼貌但不太关心的方式回应—即“被动积极型”的回应。“真不错，亲爱的，你晚餐想吃点什么啊？”

Research shows these little gestures have a powerful effect on a relationship. They promote commitment. 'Being appreciative of your partner makes you want to hold on to your relationship,' says Amie Gordon, a postdoctoral scholar at the Institute of Personality and Social Research at the University of California, Berkeley, who studies gratitude in relationships. 'It helps you realize you have something great.' When one spouse shows appreciation, she says, it can start a cycle that makes the other spouse more appreciative and committed, too.
上述几种回应方式都不能给你的感情带来任何益处。研究显示，无论现在或者将来，如果你想要婚姻越来越甜蜜，那么正确的回应方式应该是“主动积极型”，即展现出自己的热情。做一名体贴的聆听者。提出问题。表现出你的兴趣和热情。显示出你对伴侣真切的理解，指出为什么他/她的好消息如此重要。“我知道为了得到这次晋升，你付出了很多努力。你会成为一名出色的领导者。让我们出去吃晚餐来庆祝一下吧。”研究显示，这种回应方式可以增进三个方面的积极效果—亲密关系、信任和对婚姻的满意度—对伴侣双方都是如此。

Still, there's a hidden and surprising danger in showing appreciation for your spouse. Do it too often and it might lose its positive impact. 'Appreciation is tied up with expectations,' Dr. Gordon says. 'The more you expect something, the less you appreciate it.' Her advice: Change it up. Bring your beloved coffee one morning; make a nightcap another day.
专家表示，除了庆祝欢乐时光之外，定期—比如每天—向伴侣表示感谢也至关重要。盖布尔称：“为了让两人的关系历久弥新，你需要努力地经营它。”

And what if you are the one who needs the extra love? 'If you want to see good behavior, model it,' says Paul Hokemeyer, a licensed marriage and family therapist in New York and Boca Raton, Fla. 'You need to set the standard you want to receive.'
当写作这篇专栏文章时，我向一些人询问了他们向伴侣表达关心的方法。我听到有些丈夫会为他们的妻子奉上床边咖啡、在寒冷的早晨帮她们热车并且把最后一块巧克力留给她们。而这些妻子则是那些每天早晨为丈夫准备早餐，向朋友们吹嘘自己的丈夫有多棒（并且让丈夫听到）的人。

To avoid feeling self-conscious, start each day with one small act of generosity, Dr. Hokemeyer says. Make the bed for her. Tuck a love note in his suitcase before a business trip. Mail a card or handwritten note to your spouse at home.
研究显示，这些小举动对感情具有重大影响。它们能够提升忠诚度。加州大学伯克利分校(University of California, Berkeley)人格和社会研究所(Institute of Personality and Social Research)的博士后埃米·戈登(Amie Gordon)表示：“对伴侣心怀感激会使你努力维系感情。”戈登曾对伴侣关系中的感激之情进行过研究。她称：“这些小举动有助于你认识到自己拥有的宝贵财富。”她还称，当伴侣中的一方表达感激之情时，良性循环会由此开启，伴侣中的另一方也会更加感恩、更加忠诚。

Keep up your efforts for 30 days, Dr. Hokemeyer says. Hopefully, by then your spouse will notice and reciprocate. If that doesn't happen, it's time for a conversation.
然而，当你向伴侣表达感激之情时，有一个隐秘且意外的风险也同时存在着。太频繁地表达感激之情可能或失去其积极的影响。戈登称：“感激是与期望紧密相联的。你越是期待某件事情，你对它的感激之情就越不强烈。”她的建议是：做些调整。为你的爱人在某天清早端上一杯咖啡；在另一天端上一杯睡前饮品。

One year, Leon Lewandowski, a third-grade teacher in Santa Barbara, Calif., and his wife, Mary, created an 'appreciation box.' They kept a shoebox on the living room mantel with slips of paper and a pen alongside it. During the week, when they each noticed and appreciated something nice the other had done, they wrote it down and slipped the note into the box. 'Thanks for letting me sleep in on Saturday morning.' 'You made me laugh so hard.' 'Your haircut makes you look great.'
如果你是那个需要额外关爱的人怎么办？在纽约和佛罗里达州博卡拉顿执业的注册婚姻家庭治疗师保罗·霍克迈尔(Paul Hokemeyer)表示：“如果你期待某种良好行为，那么请你率先做到。”“你需要为自己想要得到的关系设立标准。”

On Sunday night, after the children went to sleep, the two sat down, opened the box and read the appreciation slips out loud. Sometimes the notes would lead to further explanation, stories about that day or even more compliments. Always, they made the spouses feel good. 'We looked forward to this time each week,' Mr. Baxter says.
霍克迈尔表示，为了避免尴尬，你可以每天从一件体贴的小事情做起。为妻子铺床。在丈夫出差前，在他的行李箱里塞进爱的便签。向家中的地址给伴侣邮寄一张卡片或手写的便签。 霍克迈尔表示，坚持努力30天。希望到时你的伴侣会注意到这些变化并回报给你同样的体贴。如果他/她没有这么做，那么是时候好好谈谈了。