国内外毒舌女王大PK

凭借《金星秀》中的“口无遮拦”迅速走红的金星号称“毒舌女王”，殊不知国外也有和金姐一样犀利的“毒舌教母”琼·里弗斯（Joan Rivers），在这里我们分别摘选了她们的十句名言，看看谁的毒舌功力更强。

*琼·里弗斯语录*

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
我做了这么多整容手术，等我死了以后他们可以把我的遗体捐给特百惠（家用塑料制品公司）。

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
我从不锻炼。如果上帝想让我弯弯腰，那他必须在地上铺满钻石。

The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are 'age appropriate.' For me that would be a shroud.
时尚杂志建议女人穿适合自己年龄的衣服。如果是这样我岂不是要穿裹尸布。

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
我的产科医师太蠢了，在我生孩子的时候他居然忘记剪断脐带。结果那个孩子足足跟了我一年，我走到哪她跟到哪，简直像是牵了一条狗。

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
我希望我能有个双胞胎姐妹，这样我就能知道没有整容的我是个什么样子。

I'm grateful for every day I'm still alive. Everything is still working. I attribute it to eating a lot of processed foods. I think it's the preservatives that keep me going.
我每一天都为自己能活着而感恩，所有的器官都能正常运转，我把这归功于吃了很多加工食品。我认为这都是防腐剂的功劳。

My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.
我的丈夫希望死后被火化。我告诉他我会把他的骨灰撒在尼曼商场，这样我才能每天都去看他。

Look at Gwyneth Paltrow being named the most beautiful this year. She got Helen Keller and Stevie Wonder to vote.
格温妮丝•帕特洛居然被评为最美女性，给她投票的一定是海伦•凯勒和史蒂夫•汪德。（两个人都是盲人）

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese. Most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.
我的爱情生活就像一块瑞士奶酪。大部分是空洞的，剩下的是臭的。

I said to my mother-in-law, “My house is your house.” She said, “Get the hell off my property.”
我对我的婆婆说：“我的房子就是你的房子。”我婆婆说：“滚出我的房子。”

*金星语录*

等我女儿长大了，我会告诉她！如果一个男人心疼你挤公交，埋怨你不按时吃饭，一直提醒你少喝酒伤身体，阴雨天嘱咐你下班回家注意安全，生病时发搞笑短信哄你……请不要理他！然后跟那个可以开车送你、生病陪你、吃饭带你、下班接你的人在一起……嘴上说的再好不如干一件实事！我们都已经过了耳听爱情的年纪。
When my daughter grows up, I will tell her this: If a man says he feels bad because you commute in a crowded bus, complains that you don’t have meals regularly, keeps reminding you that drinking too much is bad for health, tells you to be careful on your way home on a rainy day, sends funny messages to you when you are sick in bed...Just ignore him! Stay with the man who drives you to work, accompanies you when you are sick, takes you to dinner, picks you up after work...A thousand sweet words are nothing against a real thing. We all have passed the age that takes words for love.

人要贵，衣服再贵没有用。
Expensive clothes are useless if the person wearing them is not noble.

女人，该给你的都会给你，还没给你的，等着。等待是一门学问。
Woman, everything meant for you will come to you. If they have not come, just wait. Waiting is a skill that is learned.

像咱们靠谱一点的端午节中秋节是好的，西方节日你那么激动干什么，你看现在什么都是节日了，烦不烦啊？什么父亲节，母亲节，光棍节，平安夜，真是瞎折腾，孝敬你妈还分日子的啊？
Some festivals in our country, such as Dragon Boat Festival and Mid-Autumn Festival are good enough. Why are you so excited about western festivals? It is tiresome to have so many festivals—Father’s Day, Mother’s Day, Singles’ Day, Silent Night...which are indeed a waste of time and energy, who needs a special date to give presents to his/her mother?

一个女人，物质上不依赖你，精神上不依赖你，那么请问你，要你干什么？对女人不要要求太高了。又美又会做饭的，那是美的电饭煲。又可爱又永远不会老的，那是樱桃小丸子。又经济独立又以你为中心的，那是你妈。又美又可爱又会做饭又永远不会老又经济独立又以你为中心的，那是你妈正用着美的电饭煲给你煮樱桃小丸子。
If a woman does not depend on you for material or emotional support, then why does she have you? Don’t be too demanding on women. Who can be beautiful and good at cooking? Midea electric cooker. Who can be cute and never grow old? Chibi Maruko. Who is economically independent and put you first? Your mum. And who is both beautiful and cute, good at cooking and never grow old, economically independent and put you first? It’s your mum using Midea electric cooker to stew Chibi Maruko for you.

人不犯我，我不犯人，人若犯我，礼让三分，人若再犯，赶尽杀绝。
I will never attack others if they leave me alone. If other people attack me, I will respond with politeness. If they attack me again, I will chase them to the end of the world.

30岁的女人穿衣服不必重款式，要重视面料，30岁的女人要是没有男人爱，那么一定要找面料好的衣服来庇护自己。
A 30-something woman should care less about the style but care more about the fabric when she buys clothes. If a 30-something woman has no man to love her, at least she has clothes of good fabric to protect her.

高贵的女人看她的鞋。精致的女人看她的指甲。性感的女人看她的香水。气质的女人看她的手表。拜金的女人看她的包包。感性的女人看她的文章。贤惠的女人看她的拿手菜。浪漫的女人看她的睡衣。小资的女人看她的化妆包……我看完发现我好像不是女人！赶紧掏出身份证一看，性别：女。心里才踏实了些。太不容易了，一样没占，活的还挺带劲的！
Judging a noble woman by her shoes, an exquisite woman by her nails, a sexy woman by her perfume, an elegant woman by her watch, a money-worshipping woman by her bag, an emotional woman by her writings, a virtuous woman by her specialty dish, a romantic woman by her pajamas, a woman with petty bourgeoisie sentiments by her makeup bag…Upon reading this it suddenly dawns on me that I may not be a woman! I take out my identity card and it comforts me to see the gender is “woman”. It’s so rare for me to be a woman who is none of those and still live a great life!

欲望迅速膨胀，自我的内核却越来越弱。我看得太多，很多所谓的名女人都是“国际物流”，背后就拖着几大箱集装箱，里面什么都没有，就是“装”着。她们被抬得很高，可是经不起晃。我只想踏踏实实地走，对真实的坚持会成为我的保护伞。
As the desire swells rapidly, the inner self is weaker and weaker. I have seen too many famous women who are “international logistics” essentially. They are towed with a number of big containers, which are all empty but they pretend they are not. They are carried so high but cannot stand a little shaking. As for me, I want to walk on real ground, and protect myself by sticking to reality.

以前韩剧三宝车祸癌症治不好，现在是长腿欧巴爱洗澡。
The magic weapons of Korean TV series in the past are car crashes and cancer which is incurable, nowadays the magic weapons are handsome young man with long legs who enjoy bathing.