艾伦脱口秀EllenShow:熊孩子上学了

This is still our big season premiere week.And ... so we're back to work and kids are back at school.Do any of you have kids? Kids?And kids who just started college?Andbody?
今天仍是我们首映周 我们都上班了 孩子也上学了 你们谁有孩子呢 有没有谁的孩子上大学呢

Yeah. You're the happy ones,huh?They're gone. They are gone.I just read an article about kids who started college this year.
最开心的是你们吧 他们终于走了 走了 我刚看到篇关于新生入学的文章

They are the class of 2017,which by the way is insance.The class of 2017.i graduated high school in 1976. And...thank you.
他们是2017届 太让人难以接受了 2017届啊 我高中毕业的时候还是1976年呢 谢谢啊

I graduated college in the...I didn't.But that's not the point.Doesn't matter.
我大学毕业的时候也才 好像没毕业过 但不是重点啦 可以忽略

Sometimes I don't think we realize how different our perspectives are from younger generations.These kids were born in 1995.
有时候我们都意识不到 这些熊孩子们的三观和我们有多不同 他们1995年出生

And they're part of generation why.As in why you take so many pictures of yourselves.A question I have.
他们是“为啥”的一代 为啥一天到晚都在自拍 这是个我不能解的迷

Their world is so different than the world that I grew up in. You know, the news crawl, at the bottom of most of the news networks.They have never watched TV without that being there.
他们的世界和我成长的世界如此不同 就比如说在新闻台下面的新闻滚条 打从他们看电视 这玩意儿就一直在

To put that in perspective, when I was growing up,the only thing that crawled along my TV was a dust bunny,I named Kyle and referred to as my soul mate.
相比而言 我小的时候 能滚过我家电视屏幕的唯有灰尘因子 灰尘因子凯尔 我的灵魂伴侣

Kids...I was lonely.Kids starting college have always had internet and email.And they've always had GPS.
而现在的孩子们 我当年还真是寂寞啊 孩子们上大学都有网络和邮箱

SAnd they've always had GPS.Can you imagine that? They've always had GPS.So they've never had to pull into a gas station to ask for directions.How crazy is that?
而且他们入手一个定位系统 你敢想么 人手一只定位器 于是他们从不用去加油站问路 多疯狂啊

I mean, if I never had to do that，I never would have met my first slim jim.Not the food.He was a drifter I met in Texaco.It was my first one.Means there were many.
真的 如果我也这样的话 我就不会遇到我的第一只大麻 不是吃的啦 是我在加油站遇到的一个流浪哥 好吧 是我的第一支 说明以后有很多

And I just realized,if they were born in 1995.That means basically for their entire lives I've been gay.That's what I realize.So...it's crazy.
我突然意识到 如果他们是在95年出生 那打从他们记事起我就已经出轨了 我刚刚意识到呢 所以 多无厘头啊

They...they text, they tweet, they twerk,they have names like Twitch,who is my guest DJ today.So,I say it to you, Twitch,make me twerk.
他们发短信 推特 跳抖臀舞 还有诸如Twitch这样神奇的名字 他是我今天的代班DJ 那么 Twitch 让我扭起来吧