翁帆的"骈体英文"情书

Cold here, icy cold there. You belong to neither, leaves have withered. Your face is pale and blue, a tearful smile. Something in your eyes,whispers words of last good-bye. My heart sinks down, tears surge out.
此处冷，彼处更冷。枯叶凋零，君属何人。君面惨淡忧郁，含泪而笑。君热泪盈眶，喃喃自语，难言再见。妾心沉落，泪涌似涛。

小编注：icy cold用法不是很妥当，这里可以改成ice cold。You belong to neither, leaves have withered一句，用逗号连接也不妥，可以改成两个独立的句子，或者加一个连接词如and，不然在语法上是错误的。最后两句同理，两个主语不一致的句子不能用逗号连接。

Hot summer. Cheerful Cocktail. You took my hand. We fled into another world. You sat by my side, long hair tied behind, cool and killing. Smile floating on the lemonade, soft and smooth. How I was? amazed. Your face looked like the cover of the magazine. My head spin. You led my hand, danced along the crazy theme.
酷夏。仍忆鸡尾酒会。君执妾手，共享二人世界。君坐妾之侧，长发束于脑后，英姿勃发。笑容荡漾。妾讶君面尤类杂志封面。旋转，君执妾手，疯狂舞曲。

小编注：或许是原文在流传过程中有误，这里的How I was应该是How was I；后面amazed应该首字母大写；My head spin时态错误，应该是my head was spinning或者my head spun。

Light vied with wine, elegance mixed with fragrance, laughing covered by greetings, the crowed was busy at handshaking. You stood there, eyes on me. I trembled at the sparkles, brighter than the light. A　masterpiece from God, I felt dizzy. We were not near, yet we were together.
灯酒相辉，芳雅相应，祝辞笑声此起彼伏，芸芸皆劳碌于握手。君站立一旁，美目探妾。妾莹灯下颤颤而立。此必上帝之杰作，使晕眩。虽妾与君相隔甚远，然心相近。

小编注：这里有一处单词拼写错误，crowed应该是crowd；另外we were not near一句，如果要表达“相隔甚远”的意思，near用的不妥，应该用close。

Days ended. You said, you would wait for me at the Alps side. We would ski against snowflakes dancing in the sky. I gave no answer but a good-bye to accompany your flight. Gone was the plane, I suddenly tasted my pain. I knew I had been silly and stupid, you were in my heart, I shouldn’t have hidden in the dark. I tried to forget your disappointment. I made believe sometime someday, I would tell you, I feel all the same.
往日已去。君云君将于阿尔卑斯山畔待妾，滑雪于雪花飞舞之天空下。妾欲说还休，但嘱祝福。飞机渐逝，妾心将苦。妾深知妾之愚蠹，君已窃妾心，妾当不可漠然于暗中彷徨。妾尝试忘君之失，然无可善终。妾信某日某时，妾将告君妾心永驻。

小编注：最后一句中make believe是“假装”的意思，这里似乎和文章原意不符，应该是believe。仍然存在标点问题，I knew I had been silly and stupid, you were in my heart, I shouldn’t have hidden in the dark.这三个句子都是独立的，中间的逗号应全部改为句号。

My thought struggled at confessing, somehow hesitation ended in flinching. I continued my role of a fool, clinched to my maiden pride, yet secretly indulged in your promise of the white land -- snow measuring down to us, in your arms I am lifted up. The chiming of Christmas bell!
妾于忏悔中挣扎，不时退缩，犹豫。妾愚于处子之婚，然潜纵于君之诺。白雪皑皑，君挽妾身，妾意甚欢，共听圣诞钟声。

小编注：第一句，thought应该不能用来做struggle的主语，而且一般情况下这里的thought应该用复数形式；此外，struggle其实没有中文里表示犹豫不定的“挣扎”含义，这里应该表述成I hesitated at confessing。倒数第二句中snow measuring down to us，measure down这个词组是不存在的，用于此处也很不自然。maiden pride的翻译“处子之婚”值得商榷，这里英文原意是身为少女的矜持。

The bell died in the patter of rain, from hell came the laughing of Satan at my brain. Tearful smile, swallowed by the darkness. How could I trace your hair to wipe your tears? My hands reached out, catching nothing but a raindrop, on a leaf that had withered.
钟声忽止于急雨，乃听撒旦之笑声。含泪微笑，黑暗相伴。妾欲寻君之发擦君之泪而不可。妾伸手欲触，无他，但枯叶一雨滴耳。

小编注：How could I trace your hair to wipe your tears?这句的翻译有些不妥，这里不是说用头发擦眼泪，而是指手穿过头发，擦去眼泪。Tearful smile, swallowed by the darkness.语法亦有待商讨，添加一个助动词was比较好。

Snowflakes have melted into water, we are no more together.
雪花渐融，妾与君仍天各一方。

小编注：两句中的逗号还是要改成句号。

综述：网友们的翻译精致典雅，而且已经比原文更加强大，值得大家细心揣摩。倒是英文原文并非如大家吹捧的那样高雅精深，其实称不上是“骈体英文”，多出地方带有明显的中式英语痕迹，还有些地方存在疑问，如果英文不是出自翁帆之手，这更像是从中文版本翻译回的英文，这点还需要大家自己判断，不要一味盲从，或者受到中文翻译的影响，无形中抬高了英文的水准。这里的中文翻译在文采上无疑是超过英文许多的，在翻译实践中，这样偶为游戏可以，但是不要一味学习这种花哨的译法而不考虑原文实际。译文如果高出原文的话，也是不符合翻译要求的。