名师点评网友BEC初级作文(1)

本期作文题目：
　　You are the office manager at an insurance company. You have arranged for contractors to upgrade your computer system. This means the system will be shut down for a full day.
　　Write a memo of 40-50 words:
　　informing staff of the shutdown
　　 telling them when it will happen
　　asking them to prepare alternative work for the day.
　　
老师提示：
　　商务写作中遵循的原则是：简洁，精确，礼貌。在考试中或者工作中，格式基本已经给出，所以只需要我们写正文即可。正文中我们写作要做到选词精当，一针见血，语法正确，不出低级错误的句子。备忘录属于半正式的文体写作，所以在句子选择上可以适当放宽，不必太正式。
　　
网友作文一：
　　MEMORANDUM
　　from : Tom TO : all staff
　　date : 25/8
　　Because our computor system will be upgraded by the contractors on 28 AUGUEST, so the system will be shut down for a full day on that day[1], i ask for you prepare alternative work for the[2] day. and the work don't use computer system .
　　I think you can give a good performance to me to pass the accident. [3]
　　TOM

名师修改意见：　
[1]Business writing 中尽量少使用because....so... 这样的结构，看起来不够专业，改为：As we plan to upgrade.....
[2]有中式英文的痕迹：我要求你们。。。。改为：please prepare alternative work if you have to use the computer.
[3]这不能算作accident, 既然已经计划好了。整句去掉。换成thank you.