名师点评网友BEC初级作文(1)

　　网友作文二：
　　From: office manager
　　To: all staff
　　Subject: the company system
　　I would like to notify you that [1]the computer system of our company's will be shut down on this Tuesday for a whole day long [2]on account of the system needs a upgrade.[3]Therefore, please taking notice of this event in advance, in case of some potential inconveniences and troubles on Tuesday, yet prepare alternative work for that day. [4]
　　Thank you.[5]

名师修改意见：　　
[1]去掉这个开头，直接用被动语态开头。
[2]去掉，多余了。
[3]如果你不能保证用长复句可以表达清楚，那么建议换成短句吧。拆成几个短句也许表达更贴切呢。
[4]这句话看起来非常不清楚，主语在哪里?please 的后面是吗?改成：please make sure that you have prepared alternative work.
[5]另换一行